Well, it’s almost here. Tomorrow I leave for my trip to Europe. An entire month to focus on myself…wow! I’m excited to finally find out what I’ll discover, see, eat and drink, where I’ll go, who I’ll meet, and who I’ll become.
This is my last entry until the first week of August (unless I post one tomorrow). Even though I’m letting my online journal fall to the wayside for July, I plan on having my written with me at all times. I hope I document the journey and changes I’ll be undertaking in full detail, I have a feeling this is a big moment for me and don’t want to forget anything.
Until then, thanks again to all of you who continue to check in. Thanks for putting up with me, for listening and everything else wonderful that you’ve done.
xoxo
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Me, Myself and I
Well that’s it. Group is over. The rest of this journey will be done without my girls. The ones who know, without explanation. You can say you feel stupid around them and they get why, where that comes from. Maybe I wasn't ready to let them go yet but the time is here.
When I was in with them last night it there was a storm outside; slashing rain, fierce winds. Group ended and I drove away from my support system. I looked back and there were two rainbows; where I was made them appear as though they came from that building. I know you can find your own meaning out of whatever, but I felt as though being at that spot in that moment was for me. As though this was confirmation that I was on the right path. I smiled and continued on my way home.
I begin a new chapter next week. One I will write by myself. There will be no one over there to comfort me when I feel as though I can’t take another step. No one to make my decisions for me. Just me, myself and I. This is truly the largest journey I have ever been on; will it change who I am? Who will I be when I get back? I’d like to be a pillar of strength. I’d like to verse an opinion without nerves. I’d like to be a better person, in every possible way. Maybe even softer and more trusting. I’d like to be a better friend. More devoted to good causes, to myself, to those I love, like and appreciate. I want to be unashamed for putting myself first; if I can’t be the best for me, who can I be for you?
Maybe my days of sorrow aren’t over yet, maybe they are. Either way I’d like to say goodbye to the girl he made me into and hello to the real me. I’ll get around to that at another time, once I feel like I did really let her go.
I guess the big question now is: Where will I go after Paris?
When I was in with them last night it there was a storm outside; slashing rain, fierce winds. Group ended and I drove away from my support system. I looked back and there were two rainbows; where I was made them appear as though they came from that building. I know you can find your own meaning out of whatever, but I felt as though being at that spot in that moment was for me. As though this was confirmation that I was on the right path. I smiled and continued on my way home.
I begin a new chapter next week. One I will write by myself. There will be no one over there to comfort me when I feel as though I can’t take another step. No one to make my decisions for me. Just me, myself and I. This is truly the largest journey I have ever been on; will it change who I am? Who will I be when I get back? I’d like to be a pillar of strength. I’d like to verse an opinion without nerves. I’d like to be a better person, in every possible way. Maybe even softer and more trusting. I’d like to be a better friend. More devoted to good causes, to myself, to those I love, like and appreciate. I want to be unashamed for putting myself first; if I can’t be the best for me, who can I be for you?
Maybe my days of sorrow aren’t over yet, maybe they are. Either way I’d like to say goodbye to the girl he made me into and hello to the real me. I’ll get around to that at another time, once I feel like I did really let her go.
I guess the big question now is: Where will I go after Paris?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Such is Life
Mini mistake on the weekend, whoops. Next time I’ll, uh, stay in the cab…yes. Or just not get so pissed up! Lord, I still can’t recall what I told him. Well at least it’ll be the last time it happens for over a month, right. Hopefully I’ll straighten myself up in Europe and it just won’t happen again at all.
Tonight is my last group session. Wow. I don’t think I’m done with them but I’ll have to be. They threw the trainers on, now it’s my responsibility to take them off and make it on my own. I got most of what I was looking for out of group, just knowing I wasn’t alone. That someone else shared my plight and I knew who they were. Now I know many of them, now I remember I have less than 4000 weekends left. Everyday means something, is a chance to do, be and make something of yourself.
I am sure I’ll slip up in this thinking, c’est la vie. Such is life. Thankfully I’ve got more positive days than negative ones, essentially I am getting my life back. Ahh, it makes me feel pretty serene knowing this.
I’ll say farewell next Wednesday for a month! Holy crap, a whole month! When I get time to head to an internet café I’ll post pics, check ‘em out on Flickr. I still don’t know everywhere I’ll go to but it’s just a trip about me, so I don’t have to plan it until I feel like it. Yay!
Last group tonight. I can’t believe I did it (survived the last 8 months) but I did. Thanks for all your support along the way.
Much love.
Tonight is my last group session. Wow. I don’t think I’m done with them but I’ll have to be. They threw the trainers on, now it’s my responsibility to take them off and make it on my own. I got most of what I was looking for out of group, just knowing I wasn’t alone. That someone else shared my plight and I knew who they were. Now I know many of them, now I remember I have less than 4000 weekends left. Everyday means something, is a chance to do, be and make something of yourself.
I am sure I’ll slip up in this thinking, c’est la vie. Such is life. Thankfully I’ve got more positive days than negative ones, essentially I am getting my life back. Ahh, it makes me feel pretty serene knowing this.
I’ll say farewell next Wednesday for a month! Holy crap, a whole month! When I get time to head to an internet café I’ll post pics, check ‘em out on Flickr. I still don’t know everywhere I’ll go to but it’s just a trip about me, so I don’t have to plan it until I feel like it. Yay!
Last group tonight. I can’t believe I did it (survived the last 8 months) but I did. Thanks for all your support along the way.
Much love.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Me Time
What an off day yesterday. Glad that one’s over. Windy nights = too little sleep = off behavior the next day. Wasn’t watching where I threw the bat after I hit the ball and, all Mafia like, almost took the catcher’s legs out…ha-ha. Whoops.
Two more weeks until I leave for my trip. My flight is booked, as are some hotels. I’m still up in arms over a couple destinations, hoping travel is down somewhat so I can get hotels/hostels on a whim at those places.
I guess I’m kind of nervous. I would not consider myself a naïve person, I’m aware of the dangers of a single traveling woman. I’ll pay attention and listen to my intuition. However…
I am getting hugely excited. Oh my gosh, think of the food! Yum. I’ll begin in France with essentially only wine, seafood, bread, cheese and butter to fill me. Take off to Spain where I’ll indulge in sangrias, paella and tapas. Next it’s a hop over to Italy for more wine, heaps of pasta, authentic pizza and bowlfuls of gelato! Lastly on to Greece, the land of souvlaki, dolmades, vegetables (finally…maybe), more seafood, wine and a few glasses of ouzo. Wow! Thankfully I’ll be doing a lot of swimming, tanning, walking, intermixed with some hiking, or I’d have to book two seats to get back.
Only a few minor items to buy, will get them tonight and pretend pack to figure out the weight of my bag. Only allowed 20 kilos, however shall I keep it down to 20 kilos for my whole trip? Think I’ll have to get a lighter bag.
Two weeks. Two more blessed weeks until I am out of here. Ahhhhh, two weeks. Not 10 years anymore. This is my time, Me Time.
Two more weeks until I leave for my trip. My flight is booked, as are some hotels. I’m still up in arms over a couple destinations, hoping travel is down somewhat so I can get hotels/hostels on a whim at those places.
I guess I’m kind of nervous. I would not consider myself a naïve person, I’m aware of the dangers of a single traveling woman. I’ll pay attention and listen to my intuition. However…
I am getting hugely excited. Oh my gosh, think of the food! Yum. I’ll begin in France with essentially only wine, seafood, bread, cheese and butter to fill me. Take off to Spain where I’ll indulge in sangrias, paella and tapas. Next it’s a hop over to Italy for more wine, heaps of pasta, authentic pizza and bowlfuls of gelato! Lastly on to Greece, the land of souvlaki, dolmades, vegetables (finally…maybe), more seafood, wine and a few glasses of ouzo. Wow! Thankfully I’ll be doing a lot of swimming, tanning, walking, intermixed with some hiking, or I’d have to book two seats to get back.
Only a few minor items to buy, will get them tonight and pretend pack to figure out the weight of my bag. Only allowed 20 kilos, however shall I keep it down to 20 kilos for my whole trip? Think I’ll have to get a lighter bag.
Two weeks. Two more blessed weeks until I am out of here. Ahhhhh, two weeks. Not 10 years anymore. This is my time, Me Time.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
I breathed. I cleaned. I did it...alone
The worst, the moment which broke me in group, the moment when I struggled to believe it could be true, the incident which led to you sitting outside of my shower while I cried and pleaded with myself to just breathe, happened again last night. I couldn’t be them. I believe in my own strength but the amounts these women have astounds me. I would have hunted him down and done bad, bad things if I were in their situation. Horrendous, unspeakable things. I’m sure of it. There’s no way he could hurt one of mine like that, no way I would trust the system to inflict the proper amount of justice.
I did breathe, though. I did make it home to clean the fridge. I did not cry because the tears which have amounted in me are too much for an alone cry. I would like to ball your shirt in my fists, lay my forehead upon your chest, and cry with all the might and passion I am able to muster. Cry for myself, the parts of myself I lost, the things and people I have lost this year and the years before, cry for my family and friends for their own woes they face, cry for the other women in my group and their families, cry for the women of the world who are in this every day, cry for the children who are byproducts of these relationships, cry for the damage it’s done to them and is doing to them, cry for the anger I have to the men (and women) who can’t be stopped, cry because we have all lost something sometime and it is simply unjust. Unjust and unfair. I would also like to cry for the months and years I have wasted on F.G. Cry for what I’ve been through and the successes I made.
I know “life isn’t fair” but sometimes it is just downright cruelly so.
Just breathe.
I did breathe, though. I did make it home to clean the fridge. I did not cry because the tears which have amounted in me are too much for an alone cry. I would like to ball your shirt in my fists, lay my forehead upon your chest, and cry with all the might and passion I am able to muster. Cry for myself, the parts of myself I lost, the things and people I have lost this year and the years before, cry for my family and friends for their own woes they face, cry for the other women in my group and their families, cry for the women of the world who are in this every day, cry for the children who are byproducts of these relationships, cry for the damage it’s done to them and is doing to them, cry for the anger I have to the men (and women) who can’t be stopped, cry because we have all lost something sometime and it is simply unjust. Unjust and unfair. I would also like to cry for the months and years I have wasted on F.G. Cry for what I’ve been through and the successes I made.
I know “life isn’t fair” but sometimes it is just downright cruelly so.
Just breathe.
I am done shopping for my trip, just have to book things now. Like my flights…yah, I may have left that a bit too late. Whoopsies! Ah well. 3 weeks. OH MY GOD, 3 weeks until I can run to (because I am running to now and not away) somewhere and something more than here. OMG, 3 weeks until I have my break, the one I have been waiting and waiting for. I am not yet excited for the trip itself, still seems unreal, but excited for the time, the moments, the experiences, the discovering. 3 more weeks.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
I can. I will.
I accept that I’ll still have bad days, hours or moments, but I do just want them to go away. It’s hard when the loneliness returns or the thoughts of never fully recovering from this become fierce.
Franco, you fucking son of a bitch, I will not be taking you to Europe with me. You do not belong in my thoughts and memories over there. This is my time. My moment to find out what I really like and want from myself, others and life in general. So fuck off and leave me be. I hope to only see you again in the obits - and soon at that if you could.
People confide things in me before they do to others. Sometimes it’s simply a slipup and they didn’t mean to, however I’m usually the one. Probably it is because I had the strength for this, but right now I don’t. I only got part of the story and I would like to know the whole thing so I can silence the negative thoughts over this, put my worries aside and help you. Both to understand what this is, and to make a plan as to what we’ll do to get rid of it. You’re my ___ and I want you healthy. There will be no illnesses here, not in my _____. When I get back I will do what I can for you, even if that means I have to hit the gym daily. Just not at 5:00 am.
I would like my life to be calm for ½ a year. Not in the positive things - throw all the parties, dinner plans, daring activities, and other craziness my way - but in the negative things. Take away all of it, all of the drama, the hurt, the pain of whatever and give me some peace. Maybe my one month away will be enough of a break so I can have just one thing to deal with, myself. I will create all the positivity I can for me in July. I will spend every last dime on myself if my heart so desires. Should I feel whole again at the end I will buy myself something that’ll last forever, something that says (to me) strength and perseverance. Hope and unity. Love and wholeness. Confidence and clarity. Something that reminds me that no matter what I go through I will make it out in the end, not just as myself but an improved version of myself.
I can do this. I can let him go. I can. I will.
Franco, you fucking son of a bitch, I will not be taking you to Europe with me. You do not belong in my thoughts and memories over there. This is my time. My moment to find out what I really like and want from myself, others and life in general. So fuck off and leave me be. I hope to only see you again in the obits - and soon at that if you could.
People confide things in me before they do to others. Sometimes it’s simply a slipup and they didn’t mean to, however I’m usually the one. Probably it is because I had the strength for this, but right now I don’t. I only got part of the story and I would like to know the whole thing so I can silence the negative thoughts over this, put my worries aside and help you. Both to understand what this is, and to make a plan as to what we’ll do to get rid of it. You’re my ___ and I want you healthy. There will be no illnesses here, not in my _____. When I get back I will do what I can for you, even if that means I have to hit the gym daily. Just not at 5:00 am.
I would like my life to be calm for ½ a year. Not in the positive things - throw all the parties, dinner plans, daring activities, and other craziness my way - but in the negative things. Take away all of it, all of the drama, the hurt, the pain of whatever and give me some peace. Maybe my one month away will be enough of a break so I can have just one thing to deal with, myself. I will create all the positivity I can for me in July. I will spend every last dime on myself if my heart so desires. Should I feel whole again at the end I will buy myself something that’ll last forever, something that says (to me) strength and perseverance. Hope and unity. Love and wholeness. Confidence and clarity. Something that reminds me that no matter what I go through I will make it out in the end, not just as myself but an improved version of myself.
I can do this. I can let him go. I can. I will.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Time = Healing Wounds
If I was a cat I would hiss at others sometimes. I consider myself a protector of those who matter to me. I would’ve had my claws out this weekend but I’ll let him have one more chance. If he’s cruel to her once more I will step in and put a stop to it. She deserves better. What an ass.
I feel more like me today, noticeably so. I don’t know what it is but I’ve finally opened the doors to positivity again. Before I was just letting it slip past the cracks others created for me, now I did it. Makes me smile.
I like my hair. Okay, a random thing to say but I do. I didn’t like much about myself for so long that today I’ll say I like my hair.
Just a mere 3.5 weeks left to a trip that I’ve been planning for a decade. Holy shat! Finally getting excited but it still seems like it’s not really happening. I guess I should buys shoes, a backpack and something else. I desire to do this trip in style.
Ooh, my birthday celebrations are early this year. Dinner with friends and family…two different dinners of course (as is totally how I do it). Something a bit more low key, just a chance to bring my people together and strengthen my bonds with them. Fun.
I know you read this and you’d probably rather I say this to you but this is still my forum, my place to write it down. See how it feels and reads back to me. My place to pick apart my own thoughts and find the reality of my feelings.
When I talk to you still I get the impression it’s hard for you, that’s okay. You don’t have to talk to me often if you can’t do it because when you seem disinterested or distracted on the phone it hurts a little. Kind of like what I’m saying isn't intersting…maybe I’m not explaining that right. I like talking to you, really. I want to stay in touch but I don’t want to hurt you. Some days I feel like my being happy on the phone and showing excitement for whatever it is I’ve been doing is just causing you (hmmm, what’s the word I’m looking for…) to wonder why I was never like that with you. Whatever, I’m sure you know what I mean. I really like having you in my life and I don’t want you to go anywhere, but I also want you to be happy. I don't know what to do to enable this for you.
One-on-one last week was great for me. She made me feel like all of my decisions lately have been the best for me at this time. Maybe not the greatest for others, but I’ve got too much repair to do to try and keep everyone happy. I’m okay with that for now. When I’m back to me maybe people can forgive me for the errors I’ve made in the past while. Should they not be able to I’ll be okay with that as well. Time heals all wounds. Time has done me a great justice, I’m finally happy to have more of it.
I feel more like me today, noticeably so. I don’t know what it is but I’ve finally opened the doors to positivity again. Before I was just letting it slip past the cracks others created for me, now I did it. Makes me smile.
I like my hair. Okay, a random thing to say but I do. I didn’t like much about myself for so long that today I’ll say I like my hair.
Just a mere 3.5 weeks left to a trip that I’ve been planning for a decade. Holy shat! Finally getting excited but it still seems like it’s not really happening. I guess I should buys shoes, a backpack and something else. I desire to do this trip in style.
Ooh, my birthday celebrations are early this year. Dinner with friends and family…two different dinners of course (as is totally how I do it). Something a bit more low key, just a chance to bring my people together and strengthen my bonds with them. Fun.
I know you read this and you’d probably rather I say this to you but this is still my forum, my place to write it down. See how it feels and reads back to me. My place to pick apart my own thoughts and find the reality of my feelings.
When I talk to you still I get the impression it’s hard for you, that’s okay. You don’t have to talk to me often if you can’t do it because when you seem disinterested or distracted on the phone it hurts a little. Kind of like what I’m saying isn't intersting…maybe I’m not explaining that right. I like talking to you, really. I want to stay in touch but I don’t want to hurt you. Some days I feel like my being happy on the phone and showing excitement for whatever it is I’ve been doing is just causing you (hmmm, what’s the word I’m looking for…) to wonder why I was never like that with you. Whatever, I’m sure you know what I mean. I really like having you in my life and I don’t want you to go anywhere, but I also want you to be happy. I don't know what to do to enable this for you.
One-on-one last week was great for me. She made me feel like all of my decisions lately have been the best for me at this time. Maybe not the greatest for others, but I’ve got too much repair to do to try and keep everyone happy. I’m okay with that for now. When I’m back to me maybe people can forgive me for the errors I’ve made in the past while. Should they not be able to I’ll be okay with that as well. Time heals all wounds. Time has done me a great justice, I’m finally happy to have more of it.
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