PinkFawn Is Just Saying

(100th Post) And So, My Friends, The Journey Begins

2010-06-29T15:25:00.001-07:00

Well, it’s almost here. Tomorrow I leave for my trip to Europe. An entire month to focus on myself…wow! I’m excited to finally find out what I’ll discover, see, eat and drink, where I’ll go, who I’ll meet, and who I’ll become.

This is my last entry until the first week of August (unless I post one tomorrow). Even though I’m letting my online journal fall to the wayside for July, I plan on having my written with me at all times. I hope I document the journey and changes I’ll be undertaking in full detail, I have a feeling this is a big moment for me and don’t want to forget anything.

Until then, thanks again to all of you who continue to check in. Thanks for putting up with me, for listening and everything else wonderful that you’ve done.

xoxo

Me, Myself and I

2010-06-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

Well that’s it. Group is over. The rest of this journey will be done without my girls. The ones who know, without explanation. You can say you feel stupid around them and they get why, where that comes from. Maybe I wasn't ready to let them go yet but the time is here.

When I was in with them last night it there was a storm outside; slashing rain, fierce winds. Group ended and I drove away from my support system. I looked back and there were two rainbows; where I was made them appear as though they came from that building. I know you can find your own meaning out of whatever, but I felt as though being at that spot in that moment was for me. As though this was confirmation that I was on the right path. I smiled and continued on my way home.

I begin a new chapter next week. One I will write by myself. There will be no one over there to comfort me when I feel as though I can’t take another step. No one to make my decisions for me. Just me, myself and I. This is truly the largest journey I have ever been on; will it change who I am? Who will I be when I get back? I’d like to be a pillar of strength. I’d like to verse an opinion without nerves. I’d like to be a better person, in every possible way. Maybe even softer and more trusting. I’d like to be a better friend. More devoted to good causes, to myself, to those I love, like and appreciate. I want to be unashamed for putting myself first; if I can’t be the best for me, who can I be for you?

Maybe my days of sorrow aren’t over yet, maybe they are. Either way I’d like to say goodbye to the girl he made me into and hello to the real me. I’ll get around to that at another time, once I feel like I did really let her go.

I guess the big question now is: Where will I go after Paris?

Such is Life

2010-06-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

Mini mistake on the weekend, whoops. Next time I’ll, uh, stay in the cab…yes. Or just not get so pissed up! Lord, I still can’t recall what I told him. Well at least it’ll be the last time it happens for over a month, right. Hopefully I’ll straighten myself up in Europe and it just won’t happen again at all.

Tonight is my last group session. Wow. I don’t think I’m done with them but I’ll have to be. They threw the trainers on, now it’s my responsibility to take them off and make it on my own. I got most of what I was looking for out of group, just knowing I wasn’t alone. That someone else shared my plight and I knew who they were. Now I know many of them, now I remember I have less than 4000 weekends left. Everyday means something, is a chance to do, be and make something of yourself.

I am sure I’ll slip up in this thinking, c’est la vie. Such is life. Thankfully I’ve got more positive days than negative ones, essentially I am getting my life back. Ahh, it makes me feel pretty serene knowing this.

I’ll say farewell next Wednesday for a month! Holy crap, a whole month! When I get time to head to an internet café I’ll post pics, check ‘em out on Flickr. I still don’t know everywhere I’ll go to but it’s just a trip about me, so I don’t have to plan it until I feel like it. Yay!

Last group tonight. I can’t believe I did it (survived the last 8 months) but I did. Thanks for all your support along the way.

Much love.

Me Time

2010-06-15T09:52:00.001-07:00

What an off day yesterday. Glad that one’s over. Windy nights = too little sleep = off behavior the next day. Wasn’t watching where I threw the bat after I hit the ball and, all Mafia like, almost took the catcher’s legs out…ha-ha. Whoops.

Two more weeks until I leave for my trip. My flight is booked, as are some hotels. I’m still up in arms over a couple destinations, hoping travel is down somewhat so I can get hotels/hostels on a whim at those places.

I guess I’m kind of nervous. I would not consider myself a naïve person, I’m aware of the dangers of a single traveling woman. I’ll pay attention and listen to my intuition. However…

I am getting hugely excited. Oh my gosh, think of the food! Yum. I’ll begin in France with essentially only wine, seafood, bread, cheese and butter to fill me. Take off to Spain where I’ll indulge in sangrias, paella and tapas. Next it’s a hop over to Italy for more wine, heaps of pasta, authentic pizza and bowlfuls of gelato! Lastly on to Greece, the land of souvlaki, dolmades, vegetables (finally…maybe), more seafood, wine and a few glasses of ouzo. Wow! Thankfully I’ll be doing a lot of swimming, tanning, walking, intermixed with some hiking, or I’d have to book two seats to get back.

Only a few minor items to buy, will get them tonight and pretend pack to figure out the weight of my bag. Only allowed 20 kilos, however shall I keep it down to 20 kilos for my whole trip? Think I’ll have to get a lighter bag.

Two weeks. Two more blessed weeks until I am out of here. Ahhhhh, two weeks. Not 10 years anymore. This is my time, Me Time.

I breathed. I cleaned. I did it...alone

2010-06-10T13:49:00.000-07:00

The worst, the moment which broke me in group, the moment when I struggled to believe it could be true, the incident which led to you sitting outside of my shower while I cried and pleaded with myself to just breathe, happened again last night. I couldn’t be them. I believe in my own strength but the amounts these women have astounds me. I would have hunted him down and done bad, bad things if I were in their situation. Horrendous, unspeakable things. I’m sure of it. There’s no way he could hurt one of mine like that, no way I would trust the system to inflict the proper amount of justice.

I did breathe, though. I did make it home to clean the fridge. I did not cry because the tears which have amounted in me are too much for an alone cry. I would like to ball your shirt in my fists, lay my forehead upon your chest, and cry with all the might and passion I am able to muster. Cry for myself, the parts of myself I lost, the things and people I have lost this year and the years before, cry for my family and friends for their own woes they face, cry for the other women in my group and their families, cry for the women of the world who are in this every day, cry for the children who are byproducts of these relationships, cry for the damage it’s done to them and is doing to them, cry for the anger I have to the men (and women) who can’t be stopped, cry because we have all lost something sometime and it is simply unjust. Unjust and unfair. I would also like to cry for the months and years I have wasted on F.G. Cry for what I’ve been through and the successes I made.

I know “life isn’t fair” but sometimes it is just downright cruelly so.

Just breathe.

I am done shopping for my trip, just have to book things now. Like my flights…yah, I may have left that a bit too late. Whoopsies! Ah well. 3 weeks. OH MY GOD, 3 weeks until I can run to (because I am running to now and not away) somewhere and something more than here. OMG, 3 weeks until I have my break, the one I have been waiting and waiting for. I am not yet excited for the trip itself, still seems unreal, but excited for the time, the moments, the experiences, the discovering. 3 more weeks.

I can. I will.

2010-06-08T14:40:00.000-07:00

I accept that I’ll still have bad days, hours or moments, but I do just want them to go away. It’s hard when the loneliness returns or the thoughts of never fully recovering from this become fierce.

Franco, you fucking son of a bitch, I will not be taking you to Europe with me. You do not belong in my thoughts and memories over there. This is my time. My moment to find out what I really like and want from myself, others and life in general. So fuck off and leave me be. I hope to only see you again in the obits - and soon at that if you could.

People confide things in me before they do to others. Sometimes it’s simply a slipup and they didn’t mean to, however I’m usually the one. Probably it is because I had the strength for this, but right now I don’t. I only got part of the story and I would like to know the whole thing so I can silence the negative thoughts over this, put my worries aside and help you. Both to understand what this is, and to make a plan as to what we’ll do to get rid of it. You’re my ___ and I want you healthy. There will be no illnesses here, not in my _____. When I get back I will do what I can for you, even if that means I have to hit the gym daily. Just not at 5:00 am.

I would like my life to be calm for ½ a year. Not in the positive things - throw all the parties, dinner plans, daring activities, and other craziness my way - but in the negative things. Take away all of it, all of the drama, the hurt, the pain of whatever and give me some peace. Maybe my one month away will be enough of a break so I can have just one thing to deal with, myself. I will create all the positivity I can for me in July. I will spend every last dime on myself if my heart so desires. Should I feel whole again at the end I will buy myself something that’ll last forever, something that says (to me) strength and perseverance. Hope and unity. Love and wholeness. Confidence and clarity. Something that reminds me that no matter what I go through I will make it out in the end, not just as myself but an improved version of myself.

I can do this. I can let him go. I can. I will.

Time = Healing Wounds

2010-06-07T15:21:00.000-07:00

If I was a cat I would hiss at others sometimes. I consider myself a protector of those who matter to me. I would’ve had my claws out this weekend but I’ll let him have one more chance. If he’s cruel to her once more I will step in and put a stop to it. She deserves better. What an ass.

I feel more like me today, noticeably so. I don’t know what it is but I’ve finally opened the doors to positivity again. Before I was just letting it slip past the cracks others created for me, now I did it. Makes me smile.

I like my hair. Okay, a random thing to say but I do. I didn’t like much about myself for so long that today I’ll say I like my hair.

Just a mere 3.5 weeks left to a trip that I’ve been planning for a decade. Holy shat! Finally getting excited but it still seems like it’s not really happening. I guess I should buys shoes, a backpack and something else. I desire to do this trip in style.

Ooh, my birthday celebrations are early this year. Dinner with friends and family…two different dinners of course (as is totally how I do it). Something a bit more low key, just a chance to bring my people together and strengthen my bonds with them. Fun.

I know you read this and you’d probably rather I say this to you but this is still my forum, my place to write it down. See how it feels and reads back to me. My place to pick apart my own thoughts and find the reality of my feelings.

When I talk to you still I get the impression it’s hard for you, that’s okay. You don’t have to talk to me often if you can’t do it because when you seem disinterested or distracted on the phone it hurts a little. Kind of like what I’m saying isn't intersting…maybe I’m not explaining that right. I like talking to you, really. I want to stay in touch but I don’t want to hurt you. Some days I feel like my being happy on the phone and showing excitement for whatever it is I’ve been doing is just causing you (hmmm, what’s the word I’m looking for…) to wonder why I was never like that with you. Whatever, I’m sure you know what I mean. I really like having you in my life and I don’t want you to go anywhere, but I also want you to be happy. I don't know what to do to enable this for you.

One-on-one last week was great for me. She made me feel like all of my decisions lately have been the best for me at this time. Maybe not the greatest for others, but I’ve got too much repair to do to try and keep everyone happy. I’m okay with that for now. When I’m back to me maybe people can forgive me for the errors I’ve made in the past while. Should they not be able to I’ll be okay with that as well. Time heals all wounds. Time has done me a great justice, I’m finally happy to have more of it.

Mmm. Cookies.

2010-05-31T11:27:00.001-07:00

I think last night was the first time in many nights I feel asleep without crying. I did stay up until 1, keeping my mind occupied by reading. And I still haven’t slept through a night but at least I didn’t cry.

Tried to keep calm when driving in to work this morning, but then some jerkface cut me off when I was doing 70 and him 30. WTF, how can I not get mad when someone drives like a complete douche? Can’t help it. I flipped him the bird, he waved and I felt heaps better.

Broke my necklace when I got into the office, dunno how. Let’s just say this Monday did not start off so smooth. So I ate a cookie for breakfast. Love my baking coworkers who desire to fatten us up!

Going back to one-on-one tonight. Need to get the neutral advice, say it all out loud, put perspective on things and talk about my concerns…mostly regarding my self-preservation when traveling. How do I learn to care about myself again before I take off? I can make mistakes at home, but abroad would just be abundantly reckless.

I still feel like I’m living someone else’s life. Is what I’m doing meant for me? It’s as though I’ve misplaced something and as much as I search I cannot find it. There’s got to be something more. I feel like one of those “You’re doing it wrong” emails. I’m not looking for the meaning of life here, I just want to feel like I’m contributing something. Not just waking up, going to work at a regular ol’ company, keeping the house nice, the yard presentable, friends and family satisfied, etc. I want passion for something, I want to do it right. I want to leave an imprint, begin a change.

Maybe Europe will tell me. I’ll just have to listen…and keep calm.

Fine, I Admit It

2010-05-28T23:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, so fine I have good days. But I can't stop crying. I wanted to drive my car into the concrete barrier on my way home. But I could only think that my dog had to pee.

I'm so tired of feeling the loss. I don't want to do this alone. Everyone has someone and I let my someone go because I couldn't be his someone. Gawd, just take me somewhere, anywhere I can find my breath and my heart, my soul. Somewhere where I don't want someone to kill me because...please. I just want someone to care. I can't do this tonight. I can't go to bed alone...I know he's waiting for me in my dreams because I've seen him all week. Please. I'm all alone, with no one to hold my hand. No heartbeat, no chest to lay my head upon.

Please. Not tonight. I wish you were here. I can't do this.

At this moment I just want to give up. Never wake. I wish I didn't tell anyone because maybe I'd still have everyone.

I hate you! I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you. I hate me. I hate me. For tonight...I give up on me. If I wasn't so tired I'd stay awake, drinking until the wee hours, until the sun rose, until tomorrow came. Until someone but me was here. Until I could crawl into your arms; why do I have no arms?

Why?

All About Me

2010-05-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

He let me go with the acceptance that I still must have him around; he knows the most intimate and truthful details of the recent. He’s recognized that I require my space to grow and discover while needing the same someone to tell the ugly truth to. How does he do it? I admire his personal strength and his faith in me. I am thankful.

I painted my nails hot pink, I haven’t worn a bright nail color in at least 10 years. I left my house without mascara on, an extremely rare occurrence and yet I still felt like me. I wear skinny jeans now, and am able to embrace my hips and behind. I smiled at myself in the mirror while thinking there’s a way over this. I finally feel like I am beginning to fit back together. I still have a long way to go but instead of saying it, I feel it.

I called you to go out, instead of you calling me. I accepted a lunch invitation. I want to go canoeing, see how we work as a team. I am ready to get things together for my trip. I want to go to a friends’ house and hang out instead of insisting they come to mine. I’m learning to calm down when I drive - it’s the journey, not the speed (although the speed is still fun).

I am ready to do what I want and allow myself to think if it is REALLY what I want. I am remembering that there is one life to live, one life to love. There has to be more good than bad in my future. I am at a place where I will allow it to happen one moment at a time.

I like my pink lipstick and my smile. I like how my face and my soul feel when I smile. I also like the feeling of tears coming from the heart; only because I can feel it now and not think it’s the middle of the pain.

Cooking has become a small pleasure, I enjoy creating things for myself and being successful at a dish.

Mostly, this path of self-discovery has become a positive one. It’s about me, I’m okay with that. I am okay that I need these months or a full year of selfishness; to grieve over the loss of part of myself and to find the new me.

I love pink, pearls, diamonds, French décor, home cooked meals, getting pissed with girlfriends (even if we get in trouble or drunken arguments (haha)), my family, my friends, my dog, most dogs, only a couple of cats, the feeling of giving back, being counted on, being great at something, my independency, adventure, traveling, a great book, finishing a book, basking in the sun as it streams through the window, hotel rooms, team sports, doing my makeup, a perfect outfit, love, new beginnings, memorable endings, salt and vinegar chips with a slice of cheese, laughing, a good cry, hot showers, rainy days with nowhere to be, holding hands, a solid hug, especially when my head lies right on his shoulder or up against his chest, the sound of a heartbeat, the smell of freshly cut grass or someone doing laundry, a clean home, game nights, seeing the mess after a great party and knowing how it got like that, cartwheels, high heels, sushi, sunny days, being outside, smiling.

I love so many more things than I hate. Therefore I love.

The Breakup

2010-05-26T09:48:00.000-07:00

MP and I talked last night, I broke up with him. From talking with him I realized, and he didn’t say much, that everything which began to frustrate me about him was my own doing. I wanted him to have confidence but I took that from him. I wanted him to quit asking for hugs and kisses but when, ever, in the last few months have I just given them to him. I want him to be happy but how can you be happy when you’re constantly around someone like me.

I realized, shit I’m going to cry, that I ♥ him and could have fallen in love with him. I immensely care about him. So much. I didn’t stop liking him but, instead, I began to dislike myself for what I was doing to him. I always wanted him to leave me because I could see it happening, I told him a lot which probably made him feel less secure in this relationship. I knew that I made him feel unwanted and disliked by my crying and ability to pull away. I warned him at the beginning that we may not make it past the six month mark because of my history…guess what the 8th of June would’ve been. Missed six months by two weeks. Again. Again my past won.

I need him to be happy so I can stop feeling guilty about taking that away from him. I feel like I’m doing to him what Franco did to me. I never made him feel like a better person, like a wanted person or a happier for being with me person. But I wouldn’t have made it, I know this, through the last almost six months without him. He never gave up on me and always encouraged me, even when I gave up on myself. Because I did, for a really long time. Months. But he was still there.

He said he did so much for me, like make me coffee, pick me up from the bar, etc. I told him that he could’ve done that a 100 times over but none of it would have compared to the night he sat outside the shower while I cried because of the things I heard in group, the things I confessed and the things I remembered.

I need him to be happy. Be confident. Be whole. If he were to stay with me until I fix myself I only would’ve ruined him more.

I’m an asshole. I fucking ♥ him.

No Room For Doubt

2010-05-20T13:44:00.001-07:00

Single or not. Single or not. I don’t know where to start. Try not to judge me based on this entry.

I miss the single life. Not having to worry about how your actions are affecting another person. Feeling content with sleeping alone. One less person who has the ability to cause you hurt and disappointment.

I took him back and I feel…not the greatest about that decision. I haven’t forgiven him for walking out. I’m worried because he walked out so easily that I don’t know when it’ll happen again because, let’s face it, if it’s that simple it’ll probably happen again. I feel as though he’s put less effort in since I took him back and now I’m questioning my position in this relationship.

What am I waiting for that will let me know which step to take with him next? Essentially it has to be a step forward because I’ve already got one foot out. Do I accept being content and not wildly happy with my man?

The song I can’t shake out of my head, and which causes me to reflect on my “now”, is by Lace - I Want a Man.

Singledom doesn’t scare me. In fact I embrace it. If and when the man who I can’t live without comes along I’ll happily take on life with him.

I know what to do, I just don’t want to and you can’t make me until I’m ready.

Clouds Are No Match for a Fire

2010-05-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

I’ll let you back once. Last time I ended it again two days later. I find it almost embarrassing to accept someone back. I don’t know if that’s weird or normal, but it’s how I feel.

Sometimes I don’t think we can have normal conversations. I want to have conversations with you, about whatever. I’m just getting tired of the negative. Now I am worried and threatened by you. You walked out so easily last time that I doubt your intentions and feelings. You say you want a future with me, sometimes I think you just want a future with what I represent or represented. A house, a backyard and a car. A good job. Great family and friends. Independent. (I can’t recall what any more of my good qualities were.)

I don’t think you want a future with me. My reality. My person. I am not only independent, but fiercely so. I’ll only ask for help with fixing something because I know it’ll make you feel good about yourself; needed. I like my alone time. I am turning into a liberal feminist. I want positivity in my life, like I used to have and be. I don’t support racism, sexism or any other “ism”. I don’t like complainers or people who have a constant need to put others down…even people on t.v. It’s tiring to be around. And annoying. Be concerned with yourself and not others. Unless they’re wearing really bad pants or shoes.

I require more of a balance. Between you, my friends and my family. In no particular order. I enjoy sleeping alone equally as much as I enjoy sleeping with you. I like a glass of wine at night. I love walking when I’m drunk…enjoy the adventure of it.

Speaking of adventures: I love a good adventure. Doing something new. Even something out of character. If I could afford more, bet your ass I would do more. Like fencing, skydiving, bungee-jumping. Random road trips. Crazy/weird invitation acceptions.

When I’m wealthier I will entertain my friends in fun and/or strange ways.

As I make more of an effort to go out, and after you initially left me, I can see more of me peeking through all of the clouds I’ve been living under. Just you wait until I’m back. Watch out because I promise to rarely be at home or a home…unless it’s outside with a fire pit.

Failed. Again.

2010-05-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

MOG, I am so tired of taking one step forward and two back. I can’t believe it didn’t work out again. Again. More nights alone. No guaranteed embraces at the end of a trying day. No one to protect me from the dreams. No one to confess how hard it was to. No one who understands. Now I have to go at it alone again. Figure out how to console myself when I just feel broken and terrified. I don’t want to do this anymore.

But at least now I can run away, should the opportunity arise, and not think about hurting someone else. I can pack up and go. I can stay away. I can grow into myself knowing it is myself and not someone else. I can refocus. I should lean on my strength, learn how to covet that first. Maybe I was just using people too much, using their kindness until they got too close. This is what I deserve.

I’m not afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of always feeling the hurt and misery of the past.

Next time I do not want to bring this cruelty of FG into the next relationship.

I shouldn’t have done this now. Not to anyone. I really need the comfort, but I can’t stop thinking of FG and relating him to every guy. I need to let FG go, I need to move on. I need something new for myself, and not a person.

What do I do now? How do I get through this evening after group, knowing the emptiness I’ll feel, the memories that may surface, the fear of sleeping tonight, the pain that’ll come after, the hurt for the other women. Who’s arms will I cry into?

I need to cry, I shouldn’t be at work.

The Time is Wrong

2010-05-10T15:08:00.001-07:00

I know that in my relationships, both past and present, there is consistency and not the good kind. You say I’ll end up lonely, I reply with that’s not a fear of mine. Well, not yet and not for a while. My fears are much different than yours. I prefer “loneliness” to pain.

I’m sure someday I’ll want a family and all that kind of shit, but right now I just want to make it through the days and focus on restoring myself.

I do not think of a future, I think of the present. Why do I have to see the future, who’s in it or what I’ll be doing? I’m not a psychic.

I do not need a void filled, I only seek friendship and maybe one who I’m lucky enough to “fall in love” with. I want a companion, someone to share laughs and life with. Someone who will complement me and agrees that being negative isn’t worth the effort (a quality and thought I used to have and am fighting to get back).

I do not want to have serious conversations in bed, that is not the place for them. My bed is where I relax and try to let go of my day and thoughts.

I feel as though I have this all wrong. Am doing it wrong. The time is wrong.

You all want feelings, when right now I am protecting myself by not feeling.

"Will I Live?"

2010-05-06T10:50:00.001-07:00

It started off big. There was no undercutting of my confidence or my person before. Six months of a regular relationship; dating, flirting and generally getting to know one another. Then the momentous moment which forever changed who I am. A knife to my throat and a moment of wondering “Will I live?”. “Will I live through tonight?”

Those were my admissions last night in group.

They asked what I did in the moment (1). They asked how I excused his behavior the next day (2). Here are my answers to both:

(1) I hid. I hid in the washroom. I hid within myself. I curled into a naked ball against a couch. I hoped. I hoped I would make it. I hoped it would end. I ran. I ran upstairs and not out. I ran away from him. I ran into the arms of his friend when someone finally came home. I hid. I hid in his friends room, in his friends clothes for the rest of the evening. Until sunlight rose, I hid.

(2) I do not remember excusing his behavior. I recall him apologizing and looking chastised for days. I believe now that I mentally and emotionally got through it by being in shock and staying in shock for 7 years. By not remembering and choosing to let it go. Could the trauma of someone you “love” having the power to kill you be too much for a girl at my age then? So much that you just let it go and carry on?

More and more comes back. I did not remember until last night thinking, during that moment, of whether or not I would live. Seeing it written down was shameful, I blushed when I said it because I was embarrassed. I looked at it once during group and never again for the rest of the evening. I could not.

I now need someone to come back with a story similar to mine. I need one of them to admit they wondered if they’d live. I crave it. In a weird way I feel it would complete me, though it probably would not. There’s an emptiness in my soul that I somehow need to fill. I just haven’t found with what yet.

I think that’s all you need to know for now. I think that’s all I can write without disappearing for today.

Reclaim the Lost

2010-05-05T09:07:00.001-07:00

Last weekend started off with feeling like I no longer belonged to something I loved. Still love I guess. The rest of the weekend I fought to make my place again, I don’t think I 100% found it but I started to look at least. I, for once, knew what I was doing and even though the friendships/relationships have fallen to the wayside I’d got the conversations started again.

I worked myself to exhaustion. I hurt all over. I had a sense of accomplishment.

Now we’re back to Wednesday and MP asked me this morning if I thought the group was good for me because it has left me ragged after. I don’t know yet. It’s hard, it hurts and it’s scary. I dread Wednesdays more than Mondays. Wednesdays make me tired and nervous. Being in that room with the others takes me back to a place I’d rather never go again physically; which isn’t to say it’s less callous on my psyche.

I was watching Biggest Loser last night. This girl hugged her dad and I wept for a friend. KS, there is nothing anyone can do to bring your dad back but you know he will never really leave you. Every word, shared moment and memory are for you and him now. When you need to hug him just take a bit to remember anything about him until the corner(s) of your lips turn upward instead of down. I wish you a healed heart. xoxo

I want to wake up on Sunday

2010-04-29T09:34:00.000-07:00

Hard. It’s so fucking hard to hear other people’s stories. It’s hard to believe I belong in the same room as them. It’s hard to toss out the shame and embarrassment even though I don’t think they should feel it.

It’s so fucking hard to hear my own voice over his. Mine is a whisper compared to his roar which demands to remind me that I’m a worthless-unlovable-whore.

It isn’t easy by any means. They look at me, quickly and surprised, when I talk. Which, for those who knew me before, it wasn’t shocking when I talked…I loved talking. He writes down what I say, like it means something, or he hasn’t heard it before/in a while. I am angry for the other women. I want to take them all in, let them and their little ones stay with me. House them and protect them all from the bad, as I have done for myself for so many years.

I still can only admit to them what happened, in a much more delicate way than I would tell most of you. I feel as though they relate to me and yet I am having a hard time accepting the ONE thing I wanted for so long. I want to heal them, why can’t I find the want to do the same for myself?

The image that stuck in my mind last night was his red cheek and my hand. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. Disbelief that I hit back. Knowing I had to get out before I became an abuser, instead of just the ****ee.

I cried until the water ran cold. I shut off my alarm. I want an endless supply of warm water and tears. A glass of wine and an embrace. I want to let go of today, tomorrow. And the day after. I want to wake up on Sunday.

Losing My Self-Identity

2010-04-28T14:36:00.000-07:00

Group again tonight. What it did to me the last time…not looking forward to that. The dreams haven’t stopped, he pops into them whenever. Fuck his face.

As I was reflecting on the things I have done over the past week I am not too sure if I am ~~proud~~ impressed with myself for doing things that I normally would have anyways. Forced myself to do so many things, but didn’t find any excitement in the usual. I went to my first ball games, double-header on Monday, made the usual funny comments they all expected of me but I was dying to go home. I stuck it out though, didn’t play my best but ah well. I am still taken aback by how uncomfortable I can be around those I’ve known for years and years.

This week is the big volunteering week. The one I am normally so into; the one I have spent months ramping up for…not this year. Imagine all those fucking people, thousands of them. Once you get thrown in that red committee shirt there is no hiding, oh god that is scary. For over 23 hours in 2 days I will have to suppress everything, put a smile on my face and be “on” the whole time. For co-committee members, co-volunteers, attendees, VIPs, friends, adults, children, baaah.

This year I wish I could be sad that I couldn’t invest more time into this event but I’m just not feeling it…or much of anything these days. I’ve passed on all the committee meetings, backed out of all my responsibilities so far, I really don’t want to lose this one though. Passed on my stuff that I’m supposed to do for it tonight (because of the group) to a friend and I’m jealous it’s not me there. And the retarded, insecure part is afraid she’ll outshine/outdo/out-everything me and take my place next year. Will they like her more than me? Think she’s more dedicated? Kinder? More caring? Everything I’m not? I mean, what am I right now? I feel like a lying piece of shit. Fake. Scared. Incapable. Stupid. Dumbass. Bitch. FUCK YOU Franco. How do I take my power and self back from you?

What do I have right now that I can call mine and enjoy? Not much of anything. Whatever.

This group thing depresses me. I don’t want to do this. I could cry now. Go home, hide in bed and cry.

Lessons Learned - Fuck That

2010-04-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like you can't get a fucking thing right? No breaks are offered to you. You make one little mistake that ends up costing you much, much, much more? Lessons learned and all that shit won't save me a few thousand dollars now; won't take back the memories; won't reimburse me with my old self.

Fuck you Lessons Learned. Who the fuck needs to learn a lesson by yourself when someone could've just told you or warned you? Don't sign a contract until you have all the material, information, etc. covered 100% percent. Until it's all in front of you. Don't stay in a relationship with someone who breaks you apart piece by piece without you noticing - find your "red flag" words or situtations and stick to them.

How do you not relate your past to your present? Fuck me it's hard.

I can barely, barely, almost not, function today without crying. If I even think just a little about everything that's going on, needs to be done or fixed I may just fucking lose it. I couldn't give a shit about my plans this weekend, if I feel like doing it when it approaches I will. But probably not, there is just too much going on for me to process at the moment. I can't handle this, I cannot do it. I can't.

i HATE the world today

2010-04-16T08:03:00.001-07:00

Talking to JL on Sunday. I don’t really feel like formally talking, not too sure what I want/have to say. Part of me questions whether or not she should even know what’s going on, it isn’t like she has shown an interest in being around. Plus, when I tell her I feel abandoned/left out by her she proceeds to tell me she has to meet early on Sunday because she has dinner plans with another friend. HOLY FUCK, are you not LISTENING. It’s kind of like she’s rubbing it in. Kind of like she’s saying this:

“Hey (insert my name), you’re not important enough to me to include in anything, or to talk to unless you get upset with me. I would much rather ignore what you are actually saying and just make you feel like shit. I will never listen to a fucking word that comes out of your mouth because it isn’t important and doesn’t matter. I only want to get drunk with you so you so shut the fuck up and call me when you’re better and want to party.”

MP said I was selfish last night because I’m not one to give shoulder rubs, or give foot massages, and get all touchy-feely like that. I have never been one to do this. You know when girls in elementary school would want you to play with their hair while you sat in assembly or something…I couldn’t be bothered. It never interested me to have mine played with or to touch someone else’s. I was never the hairdresser or doctor while playing make-believe. I think all that touching is too unnecessary. If I really need someone to rub my head, shoulders, back or feet I’ll friggin’ pay a professional to do it. It’s not selfish, just not a part of who I am. It’s not like I miraculously changed into this person who wasn’t interested in this. I never have been. I don’t need to be touched and coddled all the time, therefore I’m not interested in doing it too much for someone else.

Is it totally fucking twisted that I don’t even like when someone asks me for a hug or kiss. If you want to hug or kiss me just do it, don’t ask. Do it.
Ah fuck it. I’m in a bad mood. I hate the world today. The world. Don’t tell me I’m selfish. Don’t all of the sudden want to talk but ignore what I say. FUCK.

Ne Me Quitte Pas

2010-04-13T12:49:00.000-07:00

Here’s a whole bunch of shit just running through my head today:

- Another day, more plans made that I really don’t know if I can carry through with.

- I do not relate you to him, I do not think you are him. But when you act out, albeit by throwing something or just getting upset, it scares me. Worries me. Makes me nervous. I do not want to tell you for worry of making you feel guilty about being human. Sometimes I want to ask, so much, if you have ever hit a woman. From the type of man you are, and have proven yourself to be, I am confident the answer would be no. But still. I am scared. That someday instead of throwing it at the ground, you’ll throw it at me. You’ll raise a fist, a hand, or a knife to me.

- Your FB update showed up on my home page. It said you were having a bad day: “fml”. I could not reach out or even bother to question why; how do you do that when you’re at your lowest and this person has yet to do that for you. But then you thanked people for all the “love, hugs and support”. Still you didn’t call. Still you didn’t write. Still. Nothing. Even after learning, again, that “love, hugs and support” can help, you continue to desert me. Why, what is so hard about you taking some step to reach out to me the way others have/had/are for you?

- Tomorrow is another session. I’m scared because she wants to really delve into the past, the moments that caused this. MP won’t be here for me after, no one will. I can’t breathe.

- I can literally feel myself breaking apart right now. Lump in my throat. Weight on my chest. Hard hitting heart beats. No focus. No direction. No feeling. I could give up today.

Misunderstood and Unknown

2010-04-12T14:46:00.000-07:00

On Friday I met up with JL and KC, as well as KC’s other friends. Originally JL was going to come over but KC was sweetly pestering me (in a good way) to get out for at least an hour. So I asked JL if we could switch plans and she was okay with that. Met up with her at the pub and right away she wanted me to meet this old guy (you know the creepy kind who sit at the wood, are over 60, greasy, and just want to meet younger girls?). I really think she does not understand who am I right now. I barely have the energy to converse with my friends, and when I do I can’t hear myself in the words because it sounds fake and forced still. Let alone want to talk to some old fool who I don’t know.

Then this girl wants JL and I to do this song and dance we used to do all the time for her birthday. KC is egging me on so I agreed to do it. Felt really uncomfortable, for the first time, on stage and was immediately exhausted after from pretending to be so fucking happy. So I paid for me drinks, finished the last little bit and took off.

Meanwhile, during the rest of the time JL is texting and will barely talk to me. Albeit she may be able to sense that I don’t have much to say to her right now. She’s been so distant for the last few months that I find it increasingly difficult to be around her, talk/relate to her, etc. I wish she understood, and that I had the want to make her understand.

I think she still expects me to be a version of myself that I'm not anymore.

If she’d been around, bothered to call or stop by, she would have seen and noticed that. Maybe if I am mean to her, like stupid whore-monkey BB was, I would get some fucking attention or advice or words of kindness, a moment to sit and reflect. Whatever, more than the next to nothing I get now.

Whew, I sound mad. I am. Kind of. But more, I feel a loss over how our friendship used to be. Who I thought she was/would be. Who I was and am not anymore.

Side note: Have the time off for my trip in July! Woah, so excited about that!

Sealed. Trapped.

2010-04-08T10:10:00.000-07:00

I have lost my voice. Well, maybe that’s not the right way to explain it. I am physically drained because of Tuesday night. Going to the game with clients took every ounce of pretending out of me. Now starting any movements, be it brushing my teeth, drinking water, typing, talking takes a lot of effort. Once I have started I better just keep going.

I want to say things but it feels as though my lips are sealed, my jaw won’t work and my words are trapped in me.

Could not even get out of bed for work this morning. I so wanted more time with MP but he had to go. I just wanted company, a warm arm, an embrace, anything but loneliness. He wanted me to say something, anything, even “bye” and I couldn’t get it out from my lips. Was not able to form my tongue into anything useful for talking. My lungs did not want to gather any energy for things other than breathing.

I can cry though.

Even now I am trying not to see anyone who would want to talk to me. All communication is hard.

Understand

2010-04-07T11:01:00.001-07:00

People use the phrase "I understand" too liberally, too often and without actual understanding of the situation, feelings or thoughts. It would be difficult but tons more honest and acceptable if someone just said I don’t understand, but if you would like to explain I will listen.

MP's gone this weekend, again. Will I get used to this? When? Partly I'm jealous that he's always going away and it's never with me. I'd like to spend a weekend with him instead of a few hours here and there. Again I'm left behind to continue on my currently pathetic existence alone. Wondering if I'll get the energy to leave my house.

I don't feel free to live and be happy. Some minutes, here and there, I would like to make plans for the weekends but after I've started I give up on the desire to do anything.

Still not excited about the trip. I just need the damn thing in writing so I can actually plan it. Maybe it'll be therapeutic for me, reinstate the old me.

The Rescuer? The Hero? The Victim.

2010-04-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

Last night, in my session, we talked a lot about MP. She thinks I am trying to be the “rescuer” with him, essentially saving him from myself. Actually I don’t want to discuss this. Not today.

I continually battle with myself about wanting to do things. Whether it be reaching out to others, staying in a relationship, leaving my house, or even attending a hockey game with work. Some I win and others I lose, those are the days when I give in to myself and the solitude I so hugely crave…even though it feeds my loneliness.

Still haven’t told my work that I have to leave once a week early. I just don’t know what to say or reveal. However, I supposedly have the time off of work to go on my trip. *sigh* How will I find the energy to plan the main parts of it?

I’m tired today and wish I didn’t have to go to the hockey game tonight, the last thing I want to do right now is try and converse with people I don’t know.

Apparently I’m on the right path and am doing a lot of good things. I disagree, I fail myself constantly and I have no patience for this. I am frustrated.

Once this starts to get better my dreams are supposed to cede from my sleeping state. Time will tell.

2010-04-05T13:39:00.000-07:00

*Exhale*

I don't know where to start today. I have to somehow tell my boss that I am going to need to leave early once a week for a while. What questions will he ask, if any? Haven't even told him I am leaving early today.

I spent a lot of time with my family this weekend, they have an unknowing way of making me feel better for a while. Maybe it's the unconditional acceptance and love, or that they don't know so I don't have to talk about it or see them thinking about it.

MP's mom was in town and his sister lives here. He wanted me to go with him to spend time with them this weekend, I couldn't do it. Maybe it's because talking to people I do not know so well is trying to say the least. Staying engaged in conversations still proves difficult without the whole "disassocation" thing, and that happens so fast now I barely notice it.

Another session tonight. I am nervous because I do not know this woman or how far into my past she'll want to take me.

2010-04-03T02:51:00.000-07:00

it ain't no use to sit and wonder why.

I am so desperate for comfort but cannot find it anywhere. I keep thinking how I could possibly tell my family. Mom, Dad, Sis, Bro...I have PTSD. Most days now I cannot find a reason to carry on.

MP lies in my bed. It's after 3:30 am, I should be there with him but I don't want to hear him sleeping when I'm so tortured. I'm laying on my ground, main floor, drinking wine instead. Listening to Vonda and wondering why I am who I am. WHY. Why do I have to have my past? Why can't I just be there person I was? Fun, confident, exciting. Normal. Someone ppl called to invite out. Called to be with. Now it's just...solitude.

All the time.

Made It

2010-03-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

Whew, did I cook up a storm last night. I wouldn't say it was theraputic, so much as it forced me to focus on something other than my thoughts. What a relief. I am tired of sitting and thinking.

Once I stopped it was like I couldn't feel anymore. Nothing. I couldn't even laugh or sympathize. Nor could I sleep. I kept dreaming that someone was pestering me with questions.

It is Tuesday today, I made it. Is this the beginning of the end? I guess I'll find out later.

Falling (or Fallen?) Apart

2010-03-29T09:32:00.000-07:00

Most days I just wish someone would be there for me. This weekend I had no one. Just myself and my sorrow.

I saw my family last night but they were all wrapped up in too serious of a conversation to bother jumping into it. So I ate dinner, cleaned up after everyone and left. I wanted someone to ask how I was doing instead of what was new.

MP said he would be home all weekend. He was not. Out of town on Friday, I did not see him until late on Saturday…which the rational and normal part of me would be okay with because he had family in town too. But the selfish, down-in-the-dumps part just really wanted him to be with me. So I got up Saturday and decided I would try drinking all day, see if it would make me feel better (I just needed to know). It did not; I would say I will not do it again but I may…who knows, who cares. By the time he got to my house I was a few beers, wines, vodkas and pina coladas into my day/evening all ready. Even though I was not drunk until late that night I spent my day and evening crying, playing video games, watching movies, whatever. See what took the pain away the best…video games btw. Wondering why there were so many broken promises made (phone calls never received, plans never followed through with) when those people know what I am going through. Wondering where I can escape to next, where can I move to and be alone with new surroundings.

MP asked me if I even wanted him to come over. I hid my face in my hands and let the tears flow until he put his arms around me. I was, and always am, so desperate for a hug I cannot even being to explain the relief of finally having someone there to give it to me…especially after over 24 hours of seclusion.

He left really early the next morning, about 7. Alone again Sunday except for the family dinner. Slept alone too. Currently deciding if I want to be alone tonight.

Maybe I am poison to others right now. Too difficult and taxing to be around. Is it cruel of me to ask for company when I am so terrible at keeping it? Maybe.

I think MP should leave me. Not only do I now hate what is happening to me, what I am doing to myself, but I feel guilty for bringing someone along for the ride. I would like him back after I have dealt with this and got through it.

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday

2010-03-26T10:07:00.001-07:00

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. I will make it to Tuesday. Probably not without falling apart some more but I will make it.

I am screwing this up with MP. I know I barely show him I want to be in this and have made him to feel like a comfort to me only. I guess I just do not know how to give emotionally when I can barely muster the energy to live my life. The will to leave my house and carry on. The strength to get my job done. And how could I possibly want to be intimate when I feel like a fucking whale. Superbly ugly. Like a failure and a total loser. Angry, ashamed, completely and terribly heartbroken.

Getting into any type of relationship as I am going through this now seems extraordinarily selfish and I feel guilty. He keeps telling me that he wants to be with me but I do not know what I expect from him right now, or what I can give. I want someone to be there for me. To understand everything, all of it. To listen and support, yet provide me with space when I need it most. To hug me when all I can visualize is ways to end this and the cause of it. To stay awake with me until I am sure my sleep will not be haunted by memories…at least for a couple hours as I cannot make it through the night.

What can I give? Nothing right now. Nothing. I should not be doing this. If I cannot be happy why am I stopping someone else from being just that?

What do I do? What DO I do?

I want him around and do not want to give up on the possibilities but the timing is all off. I wish someone would just tell me what to do. Tell me if I am doing this wrong or what the right way to carry on is.

I don’t know how to explain this anymore. Who to count on or turn to. Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. I don’t know how to continue on with the fake happiness without getting extremely tired by 8 pm. I don’t know how to close my eyes without seeing him. Or how to not visualize horrible things. Not wish on hurt and pain for myself.

The end of this has to be near. It has to.

Why is he with me? Who would want to be with this girl, with these thoughts?

Turn It Off

2010-03-25T08:46:00.001-07:00

They called me and my appointment is Tuesday. Only four nights of forced happiness to get through. One night of not having to pretend. Of those four nights I plan to stay out no longer than required. I have not given a response to either of my ball teams as to whether or not I will participate this summer. I am not feeling enthused about the two charitable committees I’m sitting on; one I do not even go to the meetings, the other I must because it is at work.

I could use some sleep again, an entire unbroken evening of it. I would also like to feel like being alive again. I sometimes reminisce on the days I used to go out with friends because I would rather be with them, having fun, than at home. This has obviously changed.

I think others are judging me, for a plentitude of things. Sometimes I get it, I understand why people hide the dirty things about them. Even if others think there is something going on, if they cannot see it, for the most part, they will not ask about it. Better to avoid, right? Who wants to know the truth, the uncomfortable truth.

If I come out of this, I do not think I will be afraid to ask the more blunt questions. Better to temporarily piss someone off than to make the feel…forgotten.

My phone rang a couple times last night and my hopes soared that it was someone calling to see how I was doing. Instead it was a friend who’s phone was accidentally calling me. So I turned my cell off. I keep it turned off a lot lately.

I would turn myself off too - my thoughts, my memories, my feelings - if I could.

Chantal Kreviazuk - Invincible

2010-03-23T09:42:00.001-07:00

In a John-Cusack-brooding-about-my-life-kind-of-way-without-actually-doing-anything-about-it: I know how I would do it. I have no plans to, for the most part I like living, but I know what I would choose.

I know it is cowardly to consider it, you can get over anything, blah blah blah. It has already been 5 months of internal turmoil – how long can I expect myself to do this for? I have asked for understanding, support and for my friends to reach out to me…but here I am. Miserable. Alone. Thinking maybe I have fucked up so many friendships it is no longer worth trying to piece them together again. When was the last time someone called to ask me how I was dealing with this? I know, I know precisely. Only one person has and I was a total douche to him. The others – not once. Not one time. What quality of friendships have I lacked to foster to not even provide me with that? To not help me stand and see the end of this. To not provide me with reminders of what was/is possible. To tell me how much fun they’re having, how they have figured out how meaningful life is. LIFE DOESN’T MEAN SHIIIIIIIIIIIT. FUCK. Get over it.

I keep thinking of ways that I could at least get a break from life, and NOT in a give-me-attention kind of way. Rehab…but it would take ages to get there. Car accident…but I do not want any lasting effects. Eating disorder…but puking makes me cry and I enjoy food. Maybe if I continue to speed excessively and a cop finally stops me and asks why I was going so fast I could finally admit, out loud, that I don’t care about my life so much. Probably I am a danger on the road. I fantasize about car accidents. Put me away for a while and give me something that will make me sleep, sweet dreamless sleeps.

Went to bed last night at 7:30 because I could not stop crying on and off. I did not want to be awake but I could not sleep for most of the night. Irony? Now I am out of bed and cannot wait to get back in it after work. But I will probably be alone. Alone to think, cry and wish I was anywhere, anything, anyone but who I am.

It seems the pills did do something but I will not go back on them because yesterday I called out for help. Someone grabbed my hand. But it was none of you. A stranger who will give me a break, in a non-judgmental setting. She will give me someone to talk to, someone to relate to. Possibly a lifeline. Something to glean hope from.

Now I will silently suffer through the day. Cry at my desk while trying hard not to. Counting down the minutes until one more day is gone and over with. Until I don’t have to “laugh” and be fake.

My boss told me he is pushing for my month time off in June/July to go to Europe..some new shit initiative about work/life balance. I don’t care about the trip anymore.

Bad Start to a Week

2010-03-22T09:11:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with the fading memories of my dreams. It’s finally starting to leave me now but it did seem too real at first. Instead of waking up with MP, it was Franco. We had a lengthy conversation in which began in bed, then he put me in a car, drove me to an unfamiliar place and made me call his sister who gave me shit for hurting him. Ha.

When I did actually wake up I laid stock still for a couple minutes until MP spoke. I was immediately thankful he did because I wasn’t yet awake enough to realize he wasn’t the man in my dreams.

On to another topic: I feel fugly. I’m not one to whinge when I’m having a bad day, but this isn’t just a bad day it’s been a few weeks. My self-esteem is lingering on a precariously thin edge. I can’t look at myself in the mirror without being completely unimpressed; and when I look down I see nothing but…fat. My skin is revolting against me (this first time since I was 15 or 16) and I can only see bags under my eyes.

When MP tells me I am beautiful it feels like a lie. In no way am I doubting his sincerity, maybe he does see that. I don’t.

I think it’s time to hit up a gym regularly. Maybe that’ll help.

Is all this a leftover from Franco? Are my insecurities strengthening as I remember more and more of the hate?

Today, I swear I will do it today, I am going to call another place for therapy. I can’t put it off anymore because I know I am not doing myself any favours.

Wants

2010-03-19T09:35:00.001-07:00

I feel like I’m screwing this all up, failing at living my life. I am thoroughly sick of myself and the crap with which I am dealing with. Sick of talking about it, thinking about it, typing about it…everything. Faking being okay is easy, much easier than…fuck it. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing or how to deal with this to most effectively forget about it. I am infinitely lost.

I want to be alone but I am lonely.
I want to talk but I don’t want anyone to remember this.
I want to feel happier but I don’t want it to be manufactured by pills.
I want to get better but do I deserve happiness?
I want to be the old me but I am losing the strength to get back to that.

Talked last night about going/being off the pills. Part of me thinks it is a good idea, being in a bad place at least gave me motivation to get out of it. The other part thinks I should keep on them – but when I’m on them I do not deal with anything.

Today I will try and reach out. I will make a phone call, attempt to reach the next step. But this weekend I think I am giving up again, maybe I will focus on organizing my house…it is at least better than thinking.

2010-03-18T10:25:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have been happier lately; maybe that does have to do with the pills...it probably does. But I don't feel like it is true happiness because it is almost like a blanket has been thrown over top of what I am going through; just covering it up for the time being. The hurt and pain - they are trying to make themselves known with me all the time.

Is it better this way? Not really. I haven't taken any more steps to solve my situation; in fact I have been avoiding it more and more. This is not what I want.

Maybe I'm just tired today. Maybe it's the time change.

I haven't shared as much lately because nothing was changing. Just want to forget about this but nothing helps.

Carry On

2010-03-12T10:50:00.000-08:00

I lost the want to help myself sometime during the last few days, or was it last week...I don't remember.

MP had to work yesterday and ended up not being able to come back until today. When did I become so reliant on comfort from someone else? It is not like me, I am a self-soother. Anyways, we talked for a while last night, he told me things. I wish I could see a sliver in myself of what he sees. Instead I can barely lift my head when walking, I am not impressed by my own accomplishments, and I don't like facing myself in the mirror.

My drive and motivation have yet to return. Instead I continue to crave solitude and I want to cancel every plan I have made. Leaving my house for pleasure, and not just work, has become a feat in and of itself.

Most of the time I worry that I will never overcome this; but there is a little voice in the back of my mind which reminds me of the possibilities. I'd like to return to the girl I was in October. I think it is her calling out to remind me of the strength I once possessed.

Time To Think

2010-03-10T07:35:00.000-08:00

In school last night everything seemed repetitive of what I've learned in the last year. Consequently I zoned out and started thinking...I wish I didn't have time to do that. Reflecting is not good for me right now.

I feel bad because MP got back last night after being away for a few days and I am pretty down. Haven't been sleeping well for the last two nights which probably isn't helping. Today I feel depressed; I wish my coworkers knew so I could tell them I do not have the energy to face the day. I want my bed.

Had a dream last night that FG was sleeping with me, I said his name in my dream and woke up startled and afraid. Turned around and I thought for a split second that MP was him. Not so easy to fall back asleep after that.

I feel absolutely defeated; want to give up on today. My thoughts are occasionally darker than they used to be; I need absolution.

Breakeven

2010-03-05T08:35:00.000-08:00

I know I have neglected to write and figure out what has been happening this week; I have been happy and did not intend to ruin it with exploration of my "feelings".

Finding a place for group therapy has proven difficult. As I continue to look the worries of not finding solace in these groups grows. Time will tell; I hope to find one soon.

Shoot, I knew it. Typing about this is making me feel it again, so I will stop. Spend some more time next week figuring out where I am at.

If Only

2010-02-26T10:58:00.000-08:00

Stand up, get pushed down.
Stand up again, get pushed back down.
Try that again:
Stand up, get pushed down once more.

I am going to sit for a while,
So weary from standing.

Standing in the shower?
Too much effort.
Standing up for myself,
By myself.
What for?

I will sit and recollect.
Regain my strength,
My will.

It is only me who can help myself.
If only something would
Take this all away.

A word.
A hug.
An understanding.
A pill.
I do not care,
Just want it gone.

At a Crosswalk

2010-02-25T09:03:00.001-08:00

This week I have given in to myself and been reclusive. Cancelled plans and have not really left my house, except to go to work and take my dog for a walk. Am cancelling again tonight, just do not feel up for it; going out and pretending.

When I took my dog for a walk last night we were crossing the road in a cross walk. My dog was ahead of me, almost on the other sidewalk (in no danger at all, I swear it!) when another car came down the street and was turning the corner, maybe doing 30 or 40 kmph. I didn’t run out of the car’s path, instead I stayed rooted to my spot and forced him to slam on his breaks. Less than two feet from hitting me I could clearly see the fear in his eyes, while I was only angry. Angry at what though? Him for not seeing me, being another one not to notice me, or for not hitting me? Me because I did not think that getting hit by a car would be a bad thing, for challenging him, for NOT FUCKING CARING about myself again?

I cannot believe I made the choice to not move; in a split second I decided the physical pain would be better than the emotional. I need help.

This morning I emailed another counseling center. One who will set me up with a group of people who will maybe, finally, understand what I am going through. I am so incredibly tired of feeling alone. I am tired of not giving a shit what I am putting in my body. I am FUCKING TIRED of not caring about myself anymore. My relationships, my friendships. I am tired of continually challenging people, constantly pushing you all away.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah. How much longer?!!! How much longer until someone holds my hand, looks into my eyes and says “I get it, I understand, it happened to me too”. HOW MUCH LONGER?! How much longer until I can forgive myself? How much longer until I can feel as though I want to be in this relationship?! HOW MUCH LONGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

I am angry today. I am worn-out. I am deeply miserable.

De-Everything

2010-02-24T09:13:00.000-08:00

I just cannot be bothered today. I do not feel like being social and going out this evening yet I made plans a couple weeks ago. What do I do; give in to despair and stay home, or make an effort to fight it off and go out?

Having a glass of wine and holding up my end of the conversation seems like a draining evening. WTF is wrong with me?

I am having the most difficult time shaking these feelings of misery, anguish, failure, dejection, loneliness, misunderstood, anger, distance, detachment. I can honestly say I just do not care. I don’t.

Tired, but can’t sleep. Lonely, yet push people away. Failure, of most relationships/friendships. Misery, feel as though I have let others down. Detachment, know I am not paying attention to others when I should but I have no energy to try. Misunderstood…for all of it.

I want time off of work to heal but would I actually get out of bed? Yes, probably; but I doubt I would find the ambition to leave my house.

Got pissed off at the time last night because it was only 7:30 and not late enough for sleep. Skipped school as I had no desire to be around other people. Cannot say I care about missing a class, I only wish I did not have to go next week.

I am the creator of my own gloom. Wish I had someone neutral to turn to for advice.

Talking + Today = X

2010-02-23T12:42:00.000-08:00

Fuck it. The more I open my mouth today the more I think I am pissing people off. Trying so hard over here to keep it light and joke around but maybe I am not doing it right today...possibly it is so fake it is coming off wrong.

Whatever, I'm not talking anymore today unless it is business related. Same goes for all other types of correspondence.

I'm done. I wish I had a hug.

Skip It

2010-02-23T08:43:00.001-08:00

Not having a great day today. I am so tired and cranky. Did not sleep so well again last night.

Have school this evening and kind of feel like skipping it. May go and just say I am not feeling too hot and leave early.

Don’t really feel like talking to anyone today but they all want to chat with me. And I know why I feel this way, I just don’t really want to talk/write about it right now…not even to myself. I cannot figure out if it is because of what I am going through or if I would normally think this.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. I am beyond tired and frustrated with what I am going through. I am so done with it affecting my life all the time, how do I stop it?

One Less Hour

2010-02-18T10:30:00.000-08:00

Woah, last night I slept from 5 am until 6 am this morning, tossed and turned the rest of the time. I can barely focus at work. I keep looking under my desk, knowing there's enough room for me to sleep there and most people walking by won't see. I keep getting a burst of energy right before bed time.

I'm putting off getting into details about last weekend until I get more sleep and can be bothered to continue typing.

My coworker suggested working out before bed. I don't even feel like walking to get food at lunch. Probably my loss of appetite has not helped my lack of energy. Have lunch and dinner plans today, this is good...will force me to eat something.

No Sleep

2010-02-17T08:33:00.000-08:00

I don’t really feel like writing today. Slept like shat last night, maybe got two hours in there. The night before was no better. Me neeeeeed sleep. Would like to splay across my desk, stretch out, curl back in to a ball, and pass out. There’s enough room if I just clean everything off.

Can’t stop yawning.

Damn FG for creeping in my dreams. How much longer until he disappears from them?

I'll tell about my weekend tomorrow maybe.

What to do This Long Weekend?

2010-02-12T10:41:00.000-08:00

I guess what we’ll see what changes take place in the next few weeks, one day, one med at a time. Ack, I feel as though I’ve failed myself.

Received an invitation to go to Invermere for Sunday and Monday. A part of me really, really wants to accept, pack up and take off. However, what if I cannot be happy the whole time? I do not want to be the sad girl, the one who is going through a rough time. It will not be the same as it was before, I cannot drink this time. Maybe I should say no; for them and for me.

Valentine’s Day is in a couple days. It does not directly remind me of FG or anything (except for the pink book and the letter) but it is not a day worth celebrating. Thank you for creating it Hallmark, reminding people of their loneliness and troubles is really a day for celebration. You cold, thoughtless bastards.
Shit, I am cynical today.

I cried first thing in the morning. Maybe that gives me a pass to be cynical all I want for the day. Probably not, but I’m using it.

What to do this weekend? What to do? Tonight…staying in, watching movies. Tomorrow…I have nothing booked. How shall I find the motivation to leave my house if I have nothing to do? I probably won’t. Sunday, Monday maybe I will go. I wish I could truly look forward to going away with friends, just like I used to a few months ago. The emptiness still resides in me (if you have emptiness inside of you, are you truly empty?), it has replaced my motivation and happiness.

It's a BIG One Today

2010-02-11T10:33:00.000-08:00

My very last covered session for 2010 was last night. We talked about why the last few weeks were good and what happened 1.5 weeks ago to take me to where I am now. I said I couldn’t pin it on anything specific but the flashbacks and nightmares are getting worse, strengthening. I can associate so many things – smells, sights, words, actions, touches - to FG that it becomes overwhelming at times. My biggest thing to work on now, so she said, is to find new associations for those memories. Yes, sounds great but not easy.

It would mean that I would have to have a fun and memorable conversations about Chile or Harley Davidsons. I don’t really want to. Maybe I should start off with other words, like Laundromat…could I do laundry at another one and have fun with it? Yes I could, but how long until the memories after start to fade too?

She told me I need to learn to better communicate what I’m going through, thinking maybe it may help others to understand why I need them SO much right now. What I really wished is that they’d just comprehend through my unspoken words. But that isn’t really possible, is it?

For practice, here goes: I feel lonely, ashamed, embarrassed, misunderstood, guilty, un-forgiven. I cannot forgive myself for the past, so when I feel guilty for something now (be it as small as being late for dinner) I cannot forgive myself for that either. My greatest wants are to know someone who has been where I am today, so they can feel what I am feeling; also to learn to better get the words out so my friends can see why I need them, and to have them just stop by some days. Just call to see how I’m doing but not to make me feel like a broken record by saying, again and again, I am so incredibly unhappy. Please don’t leave me or stop talking to me; but I cannot pretend many times like I am okay. I do not have the strength.

She has recommended going to group meetings, to meet others who have been where I was. Where I am.

She asked me if I have ever thought about ending my life or felt hopeless. I said no to the first one, but some moments to the second. I do little things (like drive fast and recklessly) to remind myself of what feeling alive is like.

She recommended taking something to help me sleep. To help me get through the day without the fear. To assist me in making new memories that will someday overshadow those that belong with FG.

I cannot explain to you the grief I feel for the part of me I have lost. The terror which overcomes me when I close my eyes or have reminders.

I want my life back and some days cannot see that happening.

I told MP I needed to slow things down, way down. I think he gets why but I feel guilty about it. If my past didn’t happen he wouldn’t have to go through this with me now. If I didn’t have to go through this with me I wouldn’t, I’d leave myself in a heartbeat. So I don’t get why he wants to be with me so much, maybe someday I will.

I am staying home tonight because I can’t see myself smiling.

Forget

2010-02-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

I am tired of being forgotten about, I do not know what it is about me that people feel it is necessary to not extend invitations to anymore. More so, why tell me about it again and again knowing how it makes me feel? I get it, I know I am not at the happiest moment right now. I may be down, sometimes I cry and can't control it. But being forgotten about...it only pushes me farther down, farther away, farther into darkness, into lonliness, into dismay, and leaves me with less want to get up again.

Just forget about me, don't worry about it. Happens all the time.

That's all I have to say for now.

Time to Slow Down

2010-02-08T09:09:00.000-08:00

Stress. I am extremely stressed today. Lack of sleep. Stupid mistakes. Effin’ bank screw-up. Bad dreams. Paper due for school.

I had a dream last night in which I told MP that he reminded me of FG. It was real and I was sure we had the conversation until I was awake for a few minutes. It is true though and I think I will have to tell him I need to cool things down for a while, until I can get myself back under control. He does/likes too many things which set off huge triggers for me, this is not his fault at all because he does not know. I did not know what those were until they happened. How can you blame someone for being themselves?

Who knew talking about Harleys would make me panic? Or kissing in the car? Being backed up against the counter? A hand twitching on my upper arm?

So many things to get over. Where do I even start? I can let them go, pretend they do not affect me too much. But at what point do you just say “F It” and realize you do not belong with people until you are okay?

I know he has strong feelings for me but I am still too scared. I want him to be around but I need more space and time. I was enjoying the speed of which things were moving along, but now it is too much too fast. It has only been one month, I need at least 6.

No Title Necessary

2010-02-05T10:15:00.000-08:00

Last night. Whenever I closed my eyes he was there. Writhed in fear.

I am tired today; of today and everything. I am feeling the same as before - down. Cannot think of many other words I need to describe it anymore.

Went to a memorial for someone's son. Another ache which makes me feel as though mine is less than and undeserved.

Tonight I am going out. Girls Night. I really want to stay home. Be home.

Today's Painful Progress

2010-02-03T13:32:00.000-08:00

It's two thirty in the afternoon. A couple more hours and I am out of here. I can barely concentrate on work anymore. My throat has a big lump in it making breathing and swallowing a chore. Eating lunch seemed like it would have taken too much effort, so I had a couple crackers instead.

The memories surrounding me are causing me to feel ill and tired.

Pretending that I am okay is getting old, so today I have barely left my desk. This way I do not have to face many people, or fake conversations about doing good and being busy.

I would really like to crawl into bed and hide under the covers.

Red Balloon

2010-02-03T07:35:00.000-08:00

On my way to work this morning I watched as a red balloon skipped across the road, fearlessly. Red balloons are supposed to symbolize a release, letting go of memories, giving yourself over to passion.

Quite poignant.

I confessed to my lie with MP, the one about the breathing. As well as the difficulty of the past four days, five now. He reassured me that he is not going anywhere. But he has not seen the worst of it yet; will the worst of it happen again? MP also said there is no shame is what I am going through, no shame in talking to someone about it. So, my last confession of the evening was that I am talking to someone about it. My last covered appointment is next week. Where will I go from there? Pay the fees myself or find an alternative type of therapy…maybe it is time to move on to the group meetings.

Shame courses through me every hour. Thinking about the group meetings makes it thicker. How do you tell women who have been through much worse than you that some days you can barely move, get out of bed, lift your head, or eat? Will they think I am unworthy of this too?

It is coming back, without a doubt. This morning I could have called in sick, just to waste away the day watching monotonous tv. Thinking about nothing at all.

PF – I miss you. The girl you used to be. Please come back and help me through this. Please.

Eyes

2010-02-02T10:16:00.001-08:00

Ugh, I know I have issues and I am really trying to suppress them as much as I can still. This relationship is new and I am lost as to what I should or should not share. As this seems to be coming back again, after a bit of a break, I am trying not to scare him off.

Last night I lied, when I promised him I would not. He asked if I was shivering because I was cold, so I said "mmmhmm". When, in reality, I could not form words because I was shaking with fear of what images were passing before my eyes. When he breathed I thought it sounded like FG moving behind me, and I remembered the rustling of the sheets as he crawled behind me with the knife in his hands.

It takes a lot of strength to continue writing and plow through what I am feeling right now. I would like to freeze up with the thought again, but could you imagine how I would look to others - staring blankly at my computer screen, my lips parted ever so slightly, a glint of fear in my eyes, my neck muscles and shoulders tensed up.

When I closed my eyes I remembered again. I was running. Again. Shit. In an almost sleep, my legs jerked with the incredible instinct to get away, find somewhere safe away from FG. I became fully alert at once, with the freeze frame of him in a sprinting stance with his eyes staring directly into mine. Oh, those eyes. I loathe those eyes.

What do I do, tell him the whole truth now or wait? Am I telling him to challenge his valor, his commitment? Or just because I need to unload the secrets I carry, share the weight of it? Am I trying to scare him off, see how far I can push him before he tumbles away?

Will he think, like I do, that I am losing it?

Again. Really!?

2010-02-01T09:27:00.000-08:00

Shit. Shit shit shit. Shit. Another thing to forgive myself for, when I already cannot forgive myself for anything else I have done. I still am not able to get drunk. How embarrassing this past Friday. Plus I think I made the guy I am seeing look bad when I was crying, like it was his fault or something. But it totally was not. He said I tried to push him away (not in the physical sense), I am thankful I warned him.

Having guys around when I am upset, unless they know everything about the problem, adds to my anxiety. Shit. SHIIIIIIIT.

He assured me it was not a big deal, a few of you did. No one at my office saw. How could he still want to be with me? I am absolutely perplexed as to how anyone would want to be with me. Especially now. Do not get me wrong, I definitely want to be with him but…look at me. I am a complete mess, even when I put on the front of being happy and okay we all know what lies beneath the surface. I know I will get over this but how long can I expect someone to go through it with me?

I am scared that I am saying goodbye to happiness and welcoming back the downward spiral again. This is the third morning in a row I awoke feeling guilty, heartbroken, ashamed, empty, undeserving, and utterly terrible about myself in general. Completely worthless of anything good that has come my way.

When I closed my eyes last night, even with MP keeping me safe, I saw FG’s eyes again. My heart skips beats remembering it again today. How much longer can I endure these kinds of days? Why am I doubting MPs want to stick around when everything he has done, said or shown me proves exactly otherwise?

I can barely keep my head up today. Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be better.

New Beginnings?

2010-01-28T10:20:00.000-08:00

I delivered some news to one person yesterday, went pretty well however I am still sorry about it. Now that they know I feel more comfortable on being open again about what is going on in my life.

I started seeing someone a few weeks ago, known him for a while but never in this much depth. It has moved so fast, yet I am completely comfortable with it.

- Week 1 - Spent the weekend with him in Kelowna and met his parents.
- Week 2 - I miss him when he’s gone for the weekend.
- Week 3 - We have shared everything good and bad about ourselves and, more miraculous for me, we have not walked away from each other.

Entering week 4 I have no idea what to expect. Time has flown by with him and he has given me reprieve from thinking about FG, except for one pair of his jeans. He (MP) has yet to let a morning go by without telling me I am beautiful and it has been years since I have begun to feel like this, about myself or someone else. MP has not pressed for more information regarding FG, ensuring me he will not until I am ready to talk more about it.

I never expected this or saw it coming; a healthy relationship was one thing I had little faith in happening for me. It is still early so I am not yet counting my blessings; however this is one thing I will try to protect, not push away and let it blossom on its’ own time.

Wish me luck!

Deservedness

2010-01-27T08:23:00.000-08:00

One more person who knows. It’s not so bad. I mean, there’s always the element of shame and nervousness. Will it change the way they behave around me? Think less of me or question my psyche? Will they leave because of a lack of understanding or it is too much to deal with? But it is too late, I told him, he knows. I left out a lot, do not think I am ready to confess to it all yet.

He did call me out on one thing and got it right; I will have to work on it if it is so apparent. He said it is obvious I do not think a lot about myself. Wait, it is not like I have low self-esteem…right? Yeah, I don’t. However, he did say I do not believe I deserve much. Like being told good things about myself, having someone care about me or care for me, anything else that is good really. He hit the nail on the head.

I do not deserve a lot. And how can I feel that I do if I cannot even forgive myself for the past? If something good happens to me I always have to pay it forward because others deserve much more than I do. Hence all the volunteering.

I deserve to forgive myself.
I deserve…well, one step at a time. I will take care of that one first, maybe I can see more of what I am worthy of after that.

P.S. I opened with something like "I have something serious to tell you. Are we at the point where you'd want to know?" He said he knew, saw a flicker if it in my eyes when he asked about my past.

How To Start?

2010-01-26T08:16:00.000-08:00

How do you tell someone the worst thing that has ever happened to you? How do you open the conversation?

1) If I confess to the skeleton in my closet will you stick around after knowing?
2) I have something serious to tell you, can we sit down?
3) Sometimes you remind me of someone I wish to never remember, someone I cannot forget, someone who scares me. Can we talk about him?
4) You think I am perfect but I need to tell you something that will disprove that.

With some of you I just said it, I was able to then. But now I want to hide it all over again and not confess to anyone else. She said it was part of my healing process, however it is one of the most difficult conversations. Admitting to your greatest flaw (She probably wouldn’t like that use of words)…admitting to your most raw moments, your only memories that haunt you. The one thing you still cannot forgive yourself for, even though it really was not your own doing.

How do you just come out and say it? I am waiting for a ‘moment’ but, in reality, I am stalling. I do not want to lose anyone else because of this.

Face Value

2010-01-25T10:06:00.000-08:00

If someone warns you by saying they are not a good person, do you accept it? Sometimes I forewarn people when I think I may hurt them eventually. It is not fun knowing you are capable of doing this but…no excuses. I cannot be good and proper all the time. I cannot always offer others what they want me to, feel what they feel, or expect the same in return.

I took from others when I needed healing. I took your time everything else you had to offer, and only gave you my sorrow in return.

I thank you for being there when I needed you. For helping me get through this and learn to deal with it. At the same time, should you have been caught in my path I sincerely apologize. Should you ever be, please know I’m sorry in advance.

I make mistakes. I’m human. I made more mistakes during the last couple months than is normal for me. There is a lot of cleaning up to do.

Every day I think about FG, it is still constant. I have not felt the heart crushing ache in a couple weeks though. Is that part over?

There is still a list to compile of fears I need to face, work up to, to prove to myself I am over him. Should probably spend time doing that this week.

Back to face value though. Always accept what people say of themselves. Never has someone proven me wrong when listing a negative attribute about themselves.

In retrospect (which is where I spend a lot of time these days), if I had listened to FG when he said he wasn’t a good person and didn’t deserve me I would never have gotten into that mess.

Worse Off? Same Off?

2010-01-24T14:21:00.000-08:00

I am pretty sure I will soon let someone down. I am sure I will hurt someone someday. I know others pain has nothing to do with me and I can do little about it. But I am back to wanting to help others and not wanting to hurt others.

I questioned if I was becoming an alcoholic a while ago. I know I am not. However I am concerned about another friend, I see the pain she is causing those who love her. I don't think she knows what she's doing yet. I wish her family strength.

I do not want to put the same on my family, though together they have the strength to help me with this. They deserve...anything but knowing. At least until I am over it so they don't have to hurt with me.

Tonight, or tomorrow, I will tell someone else who matters to me. I wonder if he'll stick around, I cannot blame him if he doesn't want to.

We all have a past. Is mine worse, same or different off? Different, few people deserve to say theirs' was worse. We are all entitled to our pain, our past.

I wish her family strength. I wish you all self-forgiveness.

Easy to Say

2010-01-23T15:27:00.000-08:00

Whew, sigh of relief. The week of all day meetings and workshops is over. My presentations have been presented and now I can get back to regular work on Monday. Just a bit of stress is gone.

I can also get back to regular life and focusing on me instead of work again. Need to sell my car, talk to my cousin/roomie about responsibilities, make a list of my fears regarding FG, figure out how to stop making other people look like him.

Easy to say. I guess one of my top fears right now is that I will end up with a guy who looks like him. I can't stop worrying about this or making it happen. God, he wasn't even attractive. Just short, fat and mean. Dark hair and eyes. Squishy face. Short neck. Jeans, t-shirts and ball caps. Levi's. Feck me, I don't like Levi's. Faded front jeans. Dark hair and dark eyes.

(Warning - this paragraph is...adult) He had a freckle on his...ahh..."area". He used to tell me, and take may opportunities to remind me, that I would always be able to identify his you-know-what in a lineup. WHO wants to leave someone with that thought and why can I not forget it. I even remember the shape his lips took when saying that sentence because he uttered it so many times. He was a vile, mean, short, fat man. Ruthless in reminding me that I would never be able to forget him. This was just another tactic, he used to point it out after a fight...god knows why.

I'm not attracted to men with blond hair but dark hair reminds me of FG. WTF, that's messed up. How do I get around that one?

I will figure this out. I CAN and I WILL stop him from coming through in the features of others. I CAN and I WILL.

There is so much to get over, so much to do to move on successfully. I guess I am just a bit overwhelmed by it today, being so busy in the last week...I feel like I've pushed everything back by a few days and now I have to catch up. I seem to have forgotten my mantra of one day at a time.

When to Tell?

2010-01-19T19:06:00.001-08:00

How long do I have to know someone for before I confess what is going on, especially when I can't even tell my parents? Will it be a feeling? A moment? A knowing that'll tell me when it's time?

It probably is necessary to get it out because one of my fears is that the new person will catch me in a moment. Completely naked, stripped down and bare. I'm not saying I have to tell them everything at first. But at least inform them so when I am immobilized with fear, probably from something they've done, it's only fair if they don't think my reaction is to or because of them.

Am I telling them for me or for them? I...crap, fine I'll admit it. (It could be logically wrong to all of you, maybe someday it will be to me.) I'd rather they know sooner in case they get weirded out by it and think I'm crazy. Offer them a way out before we get to know eachother too much. In case their reaction hurts. I mean, how much more can one person go through?

I am constantly heavy hearted around those who I'm hiding it from. It's a big weight to carry around and it tires me out.

Saturday, When Will You Get Here?

2010-01-19T11:34:00.000-08:00

I am too tired today to feel much of anything. This is going to be a very taxing week and by the end of it I'll be wiped.

Thinking of spending my weekend sleeping, watching movies...generally a whole bunch of nothing. Probably some alone time after all of the events of this week; all the coworkers, meetings, dinners, etc.

I'm hungry but don't have the energy to get any food. I need a food runner like they have in restaurants. Just a few more days until Saturday, this is the Saturday I've been waiting for since November!

If I Just...Forgive Myself. If I just.

2010-01-18T18:31:00.000-08:00

I wrapped up another session tonight. Did a lot of talking this time, rationalizing and giving credit to others for where I am at today. I, apparently, need to take more of the credit for getting back up and out again. Trying to put myself back together.

We talked some about forgiving FG and how thinking about it just isn't hitting home. She asked if I have forgiven myself yet. I cried. Which means 'no', I haven't forgiven myself for what I went through. I do a lot of "If I just" statements.

If I just never met him.
If I just left after the first incident.
If I just kept on forgetting.
If I just never ran into him.
If I just.
If I just.
If I just.

I feel like three entirely separate people, honestly. If I have ever talked to you about this face to face you may have heard me say I miss the girl before, I am not the girl during, I am me - the post-FG girl. I have the hardest time putting those three together, they don't belong...three very stubborn puzzle pieces. Do you have these versions of yourself? What is your "If I just" statement?

How do you forgive yourself? Think of it, your biggest regret. Now what do you do to forgive yourself? You can say it over and over: I forgive you, I forgive you. But there's no light feeling after, no ah-ha moment, nothing. "I forgive you" will not resonate with me. I need more. I want to let go of this and move on, I want to feel it gone.

I cannot stop punishing myself for those years. I will give it my best shot though, because so-fucking-help-me if I have to go through all of this again.

Two weeks ago I didn't care about my safety. I didn't care about eating. I didn't care. Now I am trying to give this my best shot, but I keep going back to denial and self-protection. My appetite isn't fully back, I remind myself of what I do have that's worth all of this.

If you have any ideas of how I can possibly forgive myself please share them, because I can't think of one. It could be something I need to do, something I need to say or admit. I don't know.

One Day at a Time

2010-01-17T18:11:00.000-08:00

One day at a time. It is impossible to live more then that. You can plan ahead, think you know what's coming next. Put it all in your calendar, write it in pen. Then BAM, things or people come along and mess it all up. Sometimes for the better.

One day at a time. Another great weekend, happier days. I am most likely not dealing with everything head-on, but she did say to take chances and be more social. I have achieved that, even spent hours with people I didn't know and struck up conversations like the old me.

One day at a time. My eyes still play tricks on me. I turn every man I possibly can into FG. His toes, his legs, his stomach, his chest, his face, his hair, his clothes. I will accidentally find one thing on a guy and let it evolve into a different person - FG. I deny it to myself, accept it for myself. I cannot figure out why I am doing this or how to stop it. I only know how to continue on after I have done it.

One day at a time.

Permission

2010-01-14T08:07:00.001-08:00

It has been an incredibly busy week, and a lot has happened. I love my car, just want to drive for absolutely no reason. JL, I see why you adore yours and giggle when you're behind the wheel...it's precisely what I do now. I opened the sunroof this morning just because I could and cranked the heat, only where we live will someone do that.

Other things have happened which I am not ready to share yet, publicly. Soon I just may.

Last night I had another 'incident'; at least I had a few days without any! And REALLY great days those were. I saw a guy bend down to pick something up, he was wearing sweatpants and a baseball cap. I was so sure when he stood up it was FG, one foot shorter and with a menacing (I think it's a suiting word) smile on his face. I stood there in shock for a few moments, probably closer to a minute, staring at the place where this guy once stood. It was fear which kept me rooted in place at first, then it was shame and realization. It was not him, didn't look like him...but what if?

*Deep breathing* What if I let someone in and they hurt me? What if I don't take the chance to be hurt again? What if I run into him again, what will I do or say?

With bated breath, do I dare to turn over a new page in my life? Accept the things I cannot control?

When others begin to matter to me, when does it become necessary that I share all of this with them? I know I cannot hide it forever because it attacks at the oddest and least predictable of moments.

I will conquer this. I can leave it behind.

I give myself permission to move on, yet still accept what happened and feel it when I need to. But not alone. No. I cannot do it alone anymore.

Mates

2010-01-12T11:44:00.000-08:00

Here's what I do know. Events happen, some leave a stronger imprint than others.

I think some people are given to you at the exact moment you need them. JL, KC, NL, JJ, MW, I am happy to have met you ages ago, and the support and love you have always provided me is astounding. I would say undeserving, however that's what friends are for. MP, DH, T, you are my moment people. Just when I needed someone with your personality, style and outlook you 'pounced' into my life and gave me what I needed.

I am thankful to each and all of you. And to many others I have most likely forgot to list. If I should be grateful for something which has happened to me during the last few rough months, moments, days and nights, it is for your understanding, embraces, phone calls, quiet moments, and the ability to just put up with me.

While these few days have been much happier then some others as of late, I can feel my past lurking beneath it all...waiting. I am completely aware I cannot outrun it now, but a few days of reprieve has possibly been what I required to remind me. Remind me of everything you've all done for me, and that I have the strength and will to face this.

I was approaching a very dark time, without a doubt the worst I can recall. I hope to never go back there. Maybe 2010 is my year. Maybe not. But in case I fail to tell you all enough:

Thank you, I love you, and you have NO idea how much I appreciate you all.

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A Good Mood Monday?

2010-01-11T08:04:00.001-08:00

I am in a surprisingly fantastic mood today, probably the best it has been since November. I really want it to last! Am thinking of doing cartwheels up and down the hallways at the office, but I'm wearing a skirt...which could pose a slight issue. I'll just stick with smiling like a dork.

The Laundromat

2010-01-08T12:45:00.001-08:00

I was at lunch today with some of my colleagues. We started talking about how luxurious living in a hotel would be. Then someone brought up having to go to a Laundromat.

I flashed back to doing laundry with FG there, in Australia, and driving to and from the Laundromat in his old, light blue car. Which took me to watching him practice some shit juditso, or whatever the f it was, and the power in his arms and hands. I remembered again.

I was staring at the t.v., apparently, as they questioned what was happening and I stammered through it.

Thank you TV.

Fair Phantom

2010-01-08T09:54:00.000-08:00

Well. I am drawing a blank right now. I would like to pour my heart out but I think its drained. So I will go for fact statement:

Last night I could not drive, not because of impairment , but because I failed to care about my own safety.

The risks I am taking right now are careless and absurd. I will not list them. I need something to make me feel alive again, a shock of rejuvenation. I am a drone in this world. I mostly feel anger and intense pain.

My name doesn’t suit me anymore. “Heaven”, “small bird”. Somewhere I read it also means “fair phantom”, sounds about right in that sense but not if you say “fair spirit”.

This morning when it hurt to think of having to get out of bed, I recited countries full of people who are worse off.

Tonight I will do nothing…again. I know the feeling of loneliness will wash over and consume me. Tomorrow I will sleep the day away as much as I can and only wake to get my car detailed. I will go out Saturday and try for regularity, but go home early because I know I can’t fake it that long.

I am already tired. I want to be home.

Humpty Dumpty

2010-01-07T10:57:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning and thought "today I am Humpty Dumpty". Oh, that's right. I fell off my wall, broke into

Shit, I just remembered how that ended. "All the Kings' horses and all the King's men, couldn't put Humpty together again". Do you think if it was "All the King's women and all the Kings'..." they could've put him together? Who is putting me together. Me. I have to, even though most days I don't want to bother.

I am perpetually feeling as though my heart is broken. Worse than that. I just can't explain it. This is the feeling I woke up with. Feeling broken and, again, not wanting to face the day or get out of bed. I think I need a break. Maybe next week I'll be sick for a day.

Now I am at work, giving it my all, talking about the car I bought...anything normal. But I still feel it, under this façade.

My cousin got home last night. First thing he said to me was something like "I noticed you haven't shoveled." WHAT THE FUCK?! FUCK YOUUU. I really dislike living with him. My house was so clean when he was gone, without any of his doing of course. He couldn't even wash a dish before he left. I’m sure I'll get back to a dirty house after work tonight.

Besides that, he can't do shit. Couldn't even call a fucking company to estimate some damages. This is what I live with and go home to. Anger, resentment, finality.

Oh Life, some days I loathe you and what you make me deal with.

Ay Dios Mio

2010-01-06T12:30:00.000-08:00

Last night was difficult, I spent the majority of it in the fetal position on the couch. I have lost most of my appetite. I usually eat to keep up the front and fit in, and to avoid getting sick. I do enjoy comfort food, though that is losing its appeal as well.

Keeping my eyes open seems like a feat in itself; I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I can stare at anything for ages and forget what I am really seeing.

Good news, I did make it in to work on time. So getting up today was not as hard as yesterday.

The things I used to do which made me happy aren’t working so well anymore either. Like car shopping. You think it’d be an exciting purchase, right? Instead I feel scared, anxious, unsure, and do not believe I am making the right decision or I am going too fast. I have mulled for days over the colour, the effin’ colour, and asked for countless opinions. I did not used to be like that; I would just choose the colour already because I knew what I wanted. I shop by colour, it’s what I do.

I will probably make the wrong decision and feel remorse about it later.

Ay dios mio. I am frustrated by the extent of time this is taking to get over it. I just want to be done with it already.

Buy It On eBay

2010-01-05T07:37:00.000-08:00

I wrote this last night. My dreams were terrible when I did sleep and I woke up this morning with an utter lack of want to go to work. It was a struggle not to call in sick and I reminded myself that once I was here I could just focus on work. I cried when a song came on about being lonely:

I am on a slippery slope. I know I am isolating myself and withdrawing but I cannot gather the effort to give a shit. I also know I need to. I need to stay connected to what was normal for me before this.

What happens when you start downhill skiing? You just go, let it happen. Have you ever tried to ski uphill? Back to the top of your mountain so you can look upon the path ahead of you from a bird's eye view?

I don't want to cry but I want to feel connected with what I am, who I am, the now. If I connect, I will cry. Open the gates, let the flood begin.

I just heard a line, right now: "You'd better be home soon." It broke my heart because I do not feel like I am home. Like I am where I should be.

Even though the isolation is my own doing, the lonliness I feel is all-encompassing. My heart, my soul are totally detached from me. I just want to be understood, not alone.

I want someone to show up at my house if for no other reason than to sit with me through the evening. I want understanding and open arms. I want someone to just get that even though I am not making contact, pushing you all away, finding reasons to delete you from my phone/facebook, treating you less than I normally would and caring less about what you are going through, to just get it. Somewhere, deep down, the regular me is screaming to get out, ski up that hill, and tell you I fucking care about you too, I want to go out and leave my house being fully comfortable with others who aren't my family. I want to be your friend too. Please just understand how by myself I feel. Please. Just understand. Just think if it was you. Just get it, if for just one half of a split second. Feel what I feel.

She said I am on my way to depression if I don't make more of a concerted effort to live. I said I just thought I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic. She replied that I am beating myself up.

Great. He beat me. I beat me. I am lonely. I want someone like me. Being happy, faking it, makes me tired.

It was a "happy" day. I need sleep. Where is my break from faking it? eBay?

Back to Life, Back to Reality

2010-01-04T11:43:00.000-08:00

Do you remember that song by En Vogue, Back to Life, Back to Reality? Ahh, that hit me last night. My family has departed from the city, the ones who are here are back at work. I am at the office along with the regular amount of coworkers. My workload has increased as deadlines near. Back to reality.

Christmas and NYE were both relaxing and fun. I didn’t spend much time away from my family, as my family home was my solace. A place where I did not have to worry or run into people I wasn’t up to facing.

I am down a friend. I will soon be up a new car. They probably should not be in the same paragraph, one is materialistic while the other scores as the top two in my most important list. However, they are considering what he said. He did call last night, to wish me a happy new year. Pfff. I know I was in the wrong as well, but right now I fail to care so much as I tried to reach out and apologize for it with no reciprocation. I believe Frankie said it best: “That’s Life”.

“Need a change, a positive change
Look it’s me writing on the wall”

I did alright through the holidays and was able to suppress much of it. My roommate is back sometime this week, could have been last night…not sure yet. It stresses me out as I know I am back to cleaning for two, nagging, and not wanting to go home again after work because he is there, he’s always there. In a perfect world I would make enough to buy him out and live on my own in this house. I really like this house.

I do not have a 2010 resolution. If I ever did believe in doing them it would be: I resolve to find happiness and freedom. I resolve to move on and put the past firmly in the past.

A new year. I think the rollover from one year to the next only serves to remind us of time passing. What now? What does tomorrow have that today will not bring?

Why does the end of the holidays bring me such a heavy hearted feeling? I am again feeling like I have been pushed down, or shrunken so I always look up to see what could’ve been. What happiness I could’ve had should I not have ever met FG.

Actually, I just realized the exact word for how I feel now - Condemned. As though I will never recover from this. It will just get worse.

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Dear ______, Give Me Freedom.

2009-12-29T22:08:00.000-08:00

I wrote this letter last night. I was hoping it would help. I was told it would be therapeutic. I can tell you I don’t really feel much from it. I could not picture him as I wrote this, I do not know why because I tried. It did not make me raw, or break down. I wanted that so bad. I wanted it out.

Maybe I’ll try again. This is the beginning of my letter to him. What am I missing? What is the key?

Dear FG,

I’m sitting here on my red couch, three days after Christmas, listening to Boys 2 Men and drinking wine. I currently own my own house and have taken many steps to grow up and be a different girl than I was with you. I have worked on developing my inner strength, my worth and my confidence.

The other day I saw you in the parking lot by Starbucks in Inglewood. Never has one moment been so devastating to me. In that split second of meeting your eyes, I lost everything I have worked so hard to build. A glimpse into your soulless eyes threw me back five to seven years ago. Now I find myself in an endless downward spiral with little to keep me in the moment.

I have once again let you control me, and you didn’t even have to say a word. I lost myself again. I am alienating my friends. I am staying holed up in my house. I am keeping silent on my pain, my past. I thought I was over you. Done with you.

But your damn eyes took me back. I now have to reclaim myself,. Over the years you have cost me an untold amount of friends and relationships for fear of those who got too close. I need that to stop. I have to move on.

Everything I see now, and feel or smell, reminds me of you and the hurt, pain, shame. A glint of light off a knife that another’s holding, my head on a pillow, a touch of the leg, a word, a parking lot, someone with your height, hair, nose or eyes. A place, a street, a song, a bottle, an unexpected picture, moment, person. Anything. A movie. A feeling. An erratic heartbeat. A voice.

I don’t want you to ever forget that I HATE YOU. I wish you pain with every moment the rest of your miserable life continues on for. I wish you loneliness. I wish you hatred. Fear. Everything I’ve gone through but for the rest of your life. I wish another woman never ends up with you. No one deserves it.

I hate you with every fiber of my being. Every breath I take. Every blink. Every drop of water on my skin. Every snowflake. Every waking moment. Every dream. Every restless night. I hate you.

I hate you for what you have cost me. For the secrets I have to keep. I hate you for making me afraid, for teaching me fear. I hate you for every minute we were together. For the innocence you stole from me. For taking my love of life. My trust in others. My pride. My sense of self worth. I hate you for leaving me broken. I hate you for everything I’m unable to think of or list at this exact moment.

I hate you for taking my sense of safety. I hate you for all the years I was unaware of this. I hate you for making me question my drinking. I hate you for causing me to consider if I am who I am because of you. I hate you for stealing me from myself.

I don’t want to be a PinkFawn created by FG. I want to be a PinkFawn who comes from a wonderfully loving family. Incredible friends, and self-realization that comes from an abuse-free past.

But the girl I am since I have seen you is not. Was I ever in these past five years?! I hate you. I wish I could look into your eyes and make you understand how deeply rooted my hate is for you. You blinded me with fake love. I don’t ever want you to do that to someone again.

Do you remember holding the knife against my throat and asking me if I was scared for my life? Can you recall throwing me naked against the wall again and again, when I was only saved from your abuse when your friend came home and found me naked, curled up in a ball and crying? What about the bruises? The hateful word and phrases; you’re an idiot, no one will ever love you again, you are lucky you have me, bitch, dumbass, stupid, immature, worthless, whore? How about the two broken doors? The slap?

Well, I cannot forget it. No matter how hard I try I can’t. I hate you for those memories and for making me feel empty and worthless again.

I walk around day in and day out, protecting who I am, putting on a front. When in reality I am an empty shell. One who feels dizzy and physically sick with the effort of this front. Exhausted, used, abused, broken. Always on the brink of giving up but assuring other and myself that I WILL get through this. I will overcome the terribly spiteful things you did to me. You, FG, are a worthless loser. Not me.

All those things I have done to you over the past five years, the email reminders, the Facebook altering, was to try to cause you some of the pain you inflicted on me.

Why did you choose me to abuse, say hateful things to and throw around? What was it about me you thought deserved it?

Why did I let you, and why does my heart stop when I think about our past?

Why can I now not get over you? Why did I let you cause me to have PTSD? Why can I not forgive you, even if the forgiveness if for myself? I hate you, in case you forget since the last time I wrote it.

I need to let you go, but these memories are alive within me. This hate has been ignited. It is like a glorious and devastating fire. I want my life back.

I let you cause me to fear men and the terrible, unconscionable things they are capable of. I want a successful relationship, one which lasts past six months because that is when you turned on me. I want a healthy life, with very minimal self doubt and loads of confidence and strength.

But I am scared, full of fear. I hate you.

There is so much more I should tell you about but I do not know where to end this tonight.

I hate you. I loathe you. I wish you pain. Your memories still scare me.

Dear God,

It’s me again. I am so far from where I could have been.

If you are real, out there and listening:
Please give me strength, forgiveness and freedom. Let me love freely. Love myself, love others.

God, don’t forget about me.

PinkFawn

Confession

2009-12-28T15:38:00.000-08:00

I'm not loving life today.

I'm have realized I've changed the dynamic of quite a few friendships through these admissions. Those who I thought would be there for me haven't been, and those who I weren't sure would stick around have and in a much more invovled way.

Actually I am disappointed in two of you in particular. The aforementioned "you know who you are" and now another one of you. It's not like I need you, I'm not crying out for attention here. But you both claimed you're always (and I say this with dripping sarcasm) there for your friends. Pff, ha. Where are you now? I sure as shit haven't seen you.

I'm alone. I'm not. I keep going back and forth on whether or not I am valued as a friend by the both of you. Today, my not loving life day, I don't think I am.

I think, my apologies if I'm wrong, we're doing things together this holiday season because of habit. However, I've already kicked one major habit. What's not to say I should toss these one's out as well.

This confession/realization has made me feel ill. I'm back in the midst of all of this again.

Goodbye Holidays. Hello life...a shitty, until this is conquered, life.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-28T09:21:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.

I spent the last five days repressing everything and keeping it from my family. I have succeeded because I do not feel it again. It has still haunted me in my dreams, I have yet to sleep through the night but what can you do.

I need to get around to writing FG that cursed letter. I just do not want to face or own up to it. Subduing it is easier. Less painful…for a while.

The Christmas celebration was quite fun. Great company and food. Why ruin it with thinking about him? Maybe I should just let the holidays go on and I’ll attack all this again in the new year.

And as to You, and you KNOW who you are: What gives you the right to tell me what I should be feeling, and how I should be dealing with this? You’re an insensitive shithead. Oh but it’s not you, right? You constantly cross the line. Cry all you want over spilled milk, Wednesday was minor. I’m done with you. Don’t need your shit over and over. I don’t really care if I lose a ‘friend’ while I go through this, shows who you really are. I thought you had more substance, proved me wrong.

Kick yourself in the shin for me.

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Heartbreak Warfare (JM)

2009-12-23T08:00:00.000-08:00

Today is a coma day. An I-wish-I-wasn’t-awake day. I do not believe I’ll make it through in one piece. I feel as if I could break right now, and putting on a front of happiness…well, I just couldn’t give a shit to carry through with that.

Last night was, by far, the most difficult for sleep yet. I may have got a couple hours in there. The rest was acute restlessness brought on by a fear of sleeping. I do not want to dream of FG anymore and see his face. I gave in last night to those fears, I’ll pay the price today.

I am angry at and about so many things. My annoyance with people has already shown in a few ways at work.

Life goes on, so for a lighter note: Happy Birthday PAL. I hope this next year brings you adventures you’ve yet to dream of.

Alice In Chains - I Stay Away

2009-12-22T08:21:00.000-08:00

I think it’s easier if you just stayed away from me. The thing is, I really don’t want you to. I just believe it’d be simpler/better/healthier for you. This is painful, it’s rough, and I doubt myself all the time. You don’t deserve to ride it out with me.

Plus, I have to apologize a lot. Right?

I question if I’m using alcohol to keep the hurt tolerable. Okay, I question it now that you said it this morning. I am aware of my intake, I have to be because I think if I slip just a little bit and don’t pay attention I’ll wind up a drunk too. One thing at a time, though. I will not become an alcoholic. Last night was a celebration, a not-having-dinner, lay-it-on-the-table kind of night. It was a busy night. I cleaned my house for F sakes. It’s clean, SO GOD DAMN CLEAN. So why don’t I feel it? How FUKING come I don’t feel better, cleaner?

I told you everything but you still stayed. I don’t deserve that. I’m not worth that. And not in a pity party kind of way. Truthfully, I’m just not. I’m broken and you deserve togetherness.

Crap, my life sucks. I want to, at times (just sometimes), not deal with this anymore. Even if it’s for 1 day. I think I could really go for an induced coma soon…I could probably get one if drove recklessly. Got super, re-f’in-diculously sick. What else? I’m not going to, I’m mean really, but I do enjoy thinking about it. You consider it. One day of nothing, not having to be awake and face your life nothing. NOTHING. FUK.

I am not enjoying today. it started off pretty great, but now, now I’m done with today. Aaah, 8 hours until I can go home. Shit.

Okay, back to you though. I’m going to need you to really think about what’s happening with me and be damn sure you want to stick around for this. If the tables were turned I don’t know if I would. I’m merely not a good person.

Not a good person.

Part 1 - Dear Ex,

2009-12-21T11:02:00.000-08:00

Dear FG,

I wanna be free.
Wind in my hair.
Sand under my toes.
Sun in my eyes.
Skin upon skin.
Fingers entwined.
I want to feel love.
I will let you go.
Relieve myself of this pain.
This is the beginning.
I will write you more.
I want to be free.
I want to feel love.

Screw you,

PinkFawn

Destinations

2009-12-21T10:54:00.000-08:00

I played the game of avoidance this weekend, sorry friends. I avoided social situations as much as possible. Stayed in Friday, and most of Saturday and Sunday. Felt I simply needed to be a recluse.

However, I did finally come clean to MW what’s been happening with me. I really should’ve told him years ago, I know. When shame overtook the reality of the situation it became harder and harder. Plus he lived out of town for most of the years after I returned from abroad. Really no need to confess to someone who I didn’t have to face all the time, right?

It was a relief to know he understood. Plus I think he’s the first person I’ve told who actually, for real, without a doubt, got it. MW, you are my bff…with an extra f :)

I also *ahem* spent some time in someone else’s’ bed. Awkward. Anyways, moving on. I couldn’t help but feel fear even though he’s a genuinely decent guy. I kept having this feeling I was laying next to “him”. All of my muscles were exceptionally tense and I had the most difficult time relaxing. Would say it was damn near impossible. Couldn’t breathe, or concentrate on the now. If I closed my eyes I saw “his” room, “his” eyes. Yet neither of these men look, breathe, smell, walk, talk, or hold alike. What’s the common denominator which causes me to panic? They are both men. That simple. AHHHHHH. I loathe the simplicity of it and my current inability to fully conquer this fear.

I fear sleep. Why sleep when he’s waiting? My dreams are consumed by “him” now (let’s refer to "him" as FG). I run past him while looking in his eyes. I can feel FG following me even though there’s no one behind me. To sum up my recent dreams: I just keep running. When will I ever effin’ get to my destination? What is my destination?

No, really, what is my destination. What am I looking to achieve here? I guess I’ve just said things and not spent a lot of time considering the meaning. Here’s the beginning of what I want, hope and wish for.

I want, hope and wish to:
- Be free of thinking of him, free of the constant reminders.
- Be me without considering if this me is his creation.
- Be able to doubt myself without thinking I’m doubting because of him.
- Hear criticism without feeling belittled.
- Give to others without losing a part of myself.
- Lay in bed and accept that I am alone. He is not behind me and will never be again.
- Smile from the inside out.
- Close my eyes and see nothing.
- Be touched and without awaiting the pain.
- Love wholeheartedly and uninhibitedly.
- Love without anticipating potential harm.
- Accept that I am worth being loved.

I am sure this list will grow as more of my fears, doubts, etc., surface. For now, this is it. What I want.

Proceed With Caution

2009-12-17T14:31:00.000-08:00

So last night, in my session (sounds better than “therapy”), we talked about what I needed to do to heal and what’s been happening over the past week. Quick overview of the last 7 days: stayed holed up in my house; went to a party, freaked out; saw his cologne, freaked out; saw his friend, freaked out. Do we see a pattern here? Oh I’m also easily aggravated and if you say one word, which I’m not too sure which word(s) that could/would be, I will sob for minutes. Sob, not cry.

She asked me to visualize him and tell him what I need to say. I cried. No, I mascara-running-down-my-face sobbed. I can’t picture him without the pain. I want to scream at him and tell him “I HAAAATE YOU. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!!!!!” a million times over. I want to hit him, I want to hurt him. I WANT to hate him in every way possible.

I don’t hate anything. Dislike, yes. Extremely dislike…sure, sometimes. But hate, it’s a strong and meaningful word. A Proceed With Caution word.

So over the next two weeks, in order to overcome this, I need to write a letter to him (only for myself of course, will never actually send it) stating everything I want to say to him. *Exhale* This task will take a lot of thinking and heartache, I’m incredibly scared and overwhelmed by it.

I also need to share what I’m going through with another great friend. This person has been in the dark about my situation for 7 years. I don’t think I’ve ever told him much about it, maybe nothing at all. He has no idea what I’m going through right now or why I’ve exhausted so much energy into pushing him away for the last couple/few years, depending on how you look at it. Shamefully, until last night, I was unaware of my own disgrace at having him near me. I’ve always been too embarrassed to tell him about it, too meek to tell him not to jokingly call me names, too weak to tell him it hurts. It’s not his fault, he doesn’t know. It’s my own for not sharing my pain with my oldest friend.

I have asked myself many times if I think he’ll understand, how I think he’ll treat me after, and what will the changes in our friendship be after I share my story. I currently have no answers for this. I just know if I don’t tell him soon, someday, because of my own doing and his lack of knowledge, I will walk out of his life. I will offer no reason as to why, I just will. I need to find the internal strength to face him soon. If I trace my emotions inside me through my esophagus, past my heart, and into my gut, where my strength lies, I cannot feel it, I cannot find my strength. Not today. Not yesterday. Maybe tomorrow, or within the tomorrows to come.

I must also work on my ability to disassociate myself from others and situations happening around me. This disassociation happens so quickly I’m not aware of it until I, quite literally, feel myself struggling to get back to the moment. It kind of feels like the moment you realize you can’t hold your breath any longer under water and it’s time to surface; but you know you must surface quickly or you risk drowning. Yes, that’s the feeling, only instead it’s my thoughts. If I don’t concentrate back on the moment I’m in asap, will I get back there? Or will I be forever stuck in a state of an inability to care, to feel, to move on, and to be whole?

In order to come out of this it requires physical feeling. Pressing of nails into my palm. Feeling my toes touching my socks. Feeling the air escape my lungs. Feel. I’d rather not, thank you.

Sorry. No Wheels.

2009-12-17T07:22:00.000-08:00

What man would want me?

My ‘baggage’ is heavy, awkward

and doesn’t have wheels.

They may look at me, see me

out with friends having a good time and

Think this is what they want.

Most likely,

after they take a bit of time,

they’ll see it really truly is not.

Not yet anyways.

Not until I can learn how to pack

Lighter.

Cologne

2009-12-16T11:25:00.000-08:00

Today is one of those days when I feel like nothing happened. I never saw him again, I was never in that relationship. Which is especially odd because last night I went Christmas shopping and I had a few “triggers” to set off my anxiety:
1) Large crowds
2) Saw his type of cologne
3) Ran into a friend of his

I’ll admit that when I saw the bottle for his cologne I quickly backed away, it’s almost like the bottle was him. The reminders which came from just seeing it was incredible. Not all bad, just moments. Like when we lived together and it would be on the counter in the bathroom. Then being in the bathroom getting ready to go out and he’d yell at me. Damn, I’m thinking about it again…

I slept like crap last night, couldn’t stop thinking about it and remembering. Maybe I’m not feeling it today because of exhaustion?? Huh, tiredness = relaxation?

I’m sure we’ll explore this tonight in, ugh I hate admitting this, therapy. *shudder*

It's MY Mountain

2009-12-15T11:26:00.000-08:00

Okay, let’s figure this out. Am I scared of my friends because when I was with him I did so much avoidance to ensure I never spoke the truth about what was happening to anyone? Is that all just replaying again but now I’m just scared to admit that and what’s happening now? Was it that deeply rooted?

It is easier if I just don’t talk to anyone to not say anything. My insides are SCREAMING to get it out, but my brain says no. Not now. Not ever. It’s too embarrassing, the whole situation.

Spending time with people I know right now is a guarantee that I’ll start panicking.

My mantra before I go out: “Deep breathing, it’s going to be okay. You know them; they are your friends, they are your family.”

But, I’ll admit, it barely helps. My anxiety increases the closer I get to the party, event, or whatever. It’s so much easier if one other person there knows what I’m going through. Maybe because I’m hoping they’ll divert others attention if it becomes obvious. Or if I break they’ll try to hold me together without asking any questions.

You know them.

I feel increasingly crazy. With every minute that passes I question my own sanity because of him. Because I denied it and never allowed myself to feel it, I am paying now.

I know someday I’ll get back to me, the person I was. If I can just keep remembering who she was, if I can just remember I’ll get back to her, I can survive this.

This obstacle that looks incredibly similar to a mountain.

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Should've Stayed Home

2009-12-14T09:39:00.000-08:00

Today/Monday:

I shouldn’t have gone but I did. Now someone else knows. I can’t tell them the truth because I don’t feel worth the label. I can’t tell them the truth because I still don’t believe it was me. I feel crazy. That sucks. Am I crazy?

When will I come to terms with it? I can’t concentrate at work because I need to know more about getting over it. I need validation that it happened and that I’ll be okay. I need validation that I’m worth what I’m going through. Do I need it from someone who’s been there too?

How long can I hide this? Christmas is coming in 10 days, there’s going to be a lot of people at dinner. Those people are my family. Will they be able to tell? Will I be able to hold it together?

Then it’s New Years Eve; 17 days until NYE. No big parties this year, no foreign places, nowhere that I can’t hide. A couple friends, literally, and no more.

Typing about this increases my anxiety. Thinking about it is twofold.

The Ugly Sweater

2009-12-14T09:37:00.000-08:00

Saturday:

I think I can party with you all I want. But I am panicking. I can't. There are so many of you. Standing behind be. In front of me. Beside me. How do I control you? How?

I can still here the music. But I don't have to face you. I hear the interaction and the words, but I don’t have to partake. You came in the room, but I can only falsely comply to what you want.

I am wearing my ugly sweater. I am my ugly sweater.

Where is the person who will love me someday? The guy who will not hurt me? WHERE? I can only wait so long before I give up.

Maybe I won't find you. If I don't, does it matter? Really? Does it? It does. I want to love.

My War Within

2009-12-11T15:34:00.000-08:00

Hmmm…what did she call it? What…oh right: “Disassociation”. Let’s reflect on what that word means before I continue on.

Disassociation: the denial of any connection or involvement with somebody or something else.

That’s pretty heavy. Right? Right. Keywords would be “denial of any connection”. I try so hard to focus on what you’re saying but I can’t sometimes. When an attack of my past occurs, I can’t stay with the present. You know when in movies, the camera zooms in and out in a weird way, like when the character is under the influence of drugs. That’s exactly what I see. Exactly.

Disassociation. Woah. I know you’re talking to me, I know I’m here. Hellooooo, I’m standing right HERE! Can’t you SEE me?! But I don’t feel it, I can only feel who I was so long ago. So much so, I can feel the weight of my past pressing down on my chest. What’d she call that? Anxiety attack.

I can suffer immensely right in front of your eyes, WHILE you’re talking to me, and you will never know.

Disassociation. PTSD. Anxiety. Anger. Shame. Pain. Fear.

Fear.

I try to feel my past, to let it surface but it usually won’t. If you push down feelings for 5 years, how far down do they go? I even sometimes try to cry on purpose about it. But I’ve become so distant I can’t. Literally. I’m afraid to cry in front of you because…because…? Why am I afraid? It's too vulnerable probably.

In fact, I’d rather take 1.5 hours to drive a regular 15 minute drive home, and pull over because I can no longer breathe. Think about this: I’d rather have a panic attack while I’m driving, sob until my insides break apart, until the river has run dry. I’d rather. Because than, than I am alone. No shame alone. No vulnerability if no one sees you. But sometimes, I wish someone would. But not someone I know.

The more this goes on, the more you, my friends, feel like distant creatures to me. I know, I KNOW, you’re not. But I can’t stay in the now with you. I can pretend, oh I’ll pretend (I should be an actress…expect for the not being able to cry on cue thing). But you’re all moving on in your day, in your life; whilst I’m stuck in my past. It’s like when we locked eyes, “he” hit Rewind on my life.

She said it will get worse before it gets better. I have a feeling she’ll say more. She should shut the F up. SHUT UP! F!! F U PTSD. F U “HIM”. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!

My war within has started.

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PTSD

2009-12-10T08:16:00.000-08:00

I have ptsd. I, me, this girl, has PTSD. Even after being told that I still don't feel worthy of this hurt, shame and...and...anything else it's caused me to feel. Really? Me? It was only abuse. It was so long ago. So long. Can't I just carry on? Without the memories, without the past?

Can't I just sleep, think, work, socialize, drive or even (yes, I'm saying it) pee without having those flashbacks? I can't believe I cry when I pee now. Ha, ridiculous. But I do, and even typing that makes me cry again.

How long until I can hold my head up, join a conversation and really pay attention to what everyone is saying? How about how much longer until I can trust a guy, relationship wise, to not abuse me after 6 months? How much longer until I can give an opinion freely, without feeling like a fool or an idiot? How much longer do I have to hurt alone? And hide it? How much longer until I can fall asleep without having flashbacks? And (pause for thought collection) not confess to those that I'm pushing away for self protection?

That's right friends, even you I can't trust right now. What happens if I tell you too much? What happens if you can't understand? What happens if I keep talking to you and you jokingly call me stupid, bitch, slut, idiot, whore, immature? Yes, I can't handle when you call me those things because 'he' used to. Those words broke me, not once 5 to 7 years ago, but again one month ago when I saw him, it all came racing back. It wrecks me every time I hear you say those words.

Do not apologize, just don't do it again.

I love you all, no matter how far I push you in the next while to come. No matter the mistakes I make. No matter the neglect I deal out. No matter the self-destructive path I am on, that you may get caught up in. I love you, my family and friends. Thank you (for the times I won't or don't say it) for your understanding, support, space and love.

Me. PTSD. Really

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I Am Not Me

2009-12-07T08:23:00.000-08:00

As time goes by from when I saw him again, my mistakes get more out of control. My actions become less like something I would have done. My emotions become increasingly unpredictable.

I feel like I need to apologize to everyone for whatever I have done recently. I am not me. Not right now and not for a while.

I do know I’m on a crazy path of self-destruction. My reputation, my health, my relationships, all going downhill. I could control it if I wanted to, I know that. I just don’t have the energy right now but to let the past live in my thoughts.

Every night, before I fall asleep, still images of the worst times with him flash past my tired eyes. My only reprieve is reading a book until I can’t anymore, or giving all of my attention and focus at work.

I can’t socialize like I did before, it’s awkward and conversation is stilted. It’s difficult to think of anything to say, I am afraid I will tell you what happened. You don’t want to know what happened. I don’t want to know what happened.

Example - this guy I’d be interested in told me he wants to get to know me more. I panicked, I quickly steered the conversation to another topic and had someone else join the conversation. I'm not able do it yet. I can’t trust him, or any other guy, not to put me through hell again. It's one of the things I hope (a word I use a lot...along with wish. I wish and I hope.) to be able to get over it soon.

Maybe someday I’ll tell you, my friends. I hope I can forget. I wish I never saw him again, never glimpsed into his soulless eyes.

Job + House = Happiness?

2009-12-02T08:28:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine asked me how could I be unhappy when I own a house and have a great job. I'm unaware of anyone who's happiness lies within their walls, flooring, appliances and computer. My happiness lives, moves and dies within me. Wherever I go, I bring it with me; it's not left at the office or at my house.

I don't care how many material things I accrue during my lifetime, there's no way an item can make me permanently happier...temporarily, yes.

What does make me happy? I’m sure if I sat and thought about it I could come up with quite the list, however my four top requirements are pretty basic:
- Relationships with family
- Quality of friendships
- Self-confidence / self-realization
- Taking time to give back to those I love and the community

I require all four equally, and I’ve lost one which has thrown off the balance with the others.

So no, my house and what I do for a living do not significantly affect my happiness. If those two items make it to your top four list I feel pretty bad for you, you’re missing out on a lot more in life.

Was It Me?

2009-11-27T10:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I remember the past I think it couldn't have been me, and I tear up for the girl it happened to. Have you ever had that with situations you've been in? I logically know I'm not alone on this one, but it doesn't feel that way and I can't grasp the reality of it.

DAMN you Blog! I thought it was such a great idea. You know, get it all out there. As I continued to write, I discovered where all of my anger and inability to be who I really am stems from. It hurts and I feel so many emotions over it; anger, resentment, dissapointment, hate, pain, hopelessness.

It actually physically feels as though my ribs are only there, and currenlty contracting, to hold all of this in. I can literally feel as if they want to explode.

The pain and other feelings have turned physical. I can't do this on my own anymore, but I thought I already conquered it. I was so sure.

I don't know how to move on.

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Have I Healed?

2009-11-25T11:10:00.000-08:00

Since I've seen him, I can't stop considering if I'm not actually over it yet. I'm not one to cry often and yet at random moments lately, like finding a Christmas tree, watching a commercial, I've cried and cried. Moments of elated "I'M OVER IT" and dancing through the house, to a tear streaked face and thoughts of "I'LL NEVER BE", and other times when I think I've broke my own heart by not letting go.

It's been 5 years. 5 years since verbal assualts; "you're dumb", "you're an idiot", "you're worthless", "no one else will ever love you", "you won't find anyone after me". 5 years since the grabbing, pushing and threatening. 5 years since he put his head through a door. 6 years since the knife to the throat. That's a long time to heal, to get over it and move on.

Why, since then, am I still looking for the guy who I know it won't work out with? Why am I not yet able to freely speak my mind like I could before?

I'm tired now; of thinking about it at random moments, letting it keep me from exploring another relationship, holding back my thoughts in meetings. I WANT to be me, I want to break free and run back to myself - the person before him.

What now? So I've realized it, how do you move on and trust another guy. How do you begin to look for, and accept there is, a great and kind guy? What am I even looking for? I think I'll start with this:

Not violent, even when he's been drinking. Doesn't do drugs. Doesn't put others down. Thinks of women as equal. Gets along with his family and cherishes them. Has wonderful friends. Stable job which he enjoys. A love of life.

Not too much to ask, right? Well, if not, where is he?

He still harms me, even though it's been 5 years. F&#!, I can't believe I just realized it's still affecting me and that I let it.

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Milestone

2009-11-25T11:09:00.001-08:00

Today marks my 3 months. Yay me!

Married. Really?

2009-11-19T10:19:00.001-08:00

Everywhere!! >:O
There are married guys everywhere.
Confident with wandering eyes,
Who lack faithfulness.
Is that the prequalification to being a
Young married male?
Well, don’t bother with me.
The &^#%ing-fabulous-single-female.
Here's what I hope:
Should my man have wandering eyes
Let them wander over me.
And should he stray,
Let him stray home early,
Into my arms, into bed.
Yet until him, I'm staying
Single and Sexy!

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The Ex. The Ax.

2009-11-19T08:32:00.000-08:00

I saw him on Sunday,
My ex that is.
10 Feet away from each other, and
We even made eye contact.
*Exhale*
In my head, maybe my heart,
I have forgiven him.
Is this something he ought to hear?
Don’t think I want to tell him.
So what did I do instead?
Ducked my head and
Ran across the street.
Seriously.
Maybe when you others
Have hurt you so much
They never deserve
your attention again.
Not even a word, or sentence.
But if you have forgiven them…
Do they deserve to know?
Would it make you feel better telling them?

No Eraser in Life.

2009-11-19T08:30:00.000-08:00

Did you ever___?
But than you wish you just___?
Yet it's too late.
Happened to me too.
I forgive you.

Single and Happy?

2009-11-16T15:47:00.000-08:00

I enjoy being single, but
I sometimes lie about this fact.
I do not want to be
The third wheel. Who does?
Don’t invite me out if
I will be the extra.
I do not want to see
Your PDAs.
I do not want your
Happy relationship thrown
In my face.
Over and over and
Over.
Do not tell me:
“You’ll find someone someday”
“He wasn’t worth it”
“You’re better than him”.
All I hear is:
“Blah, blah, blah, blah,
BLAH.”
You relationship-people easily
Forget what being single is about.
You’re in your glorious
Relationship-drugged world.
Oh, and don’t set me up with
“The Perfect Guy for You”. Ugh.
HE’S NOT PERFECT.
Back off and let my
Singledom be!
Let ME be.
Don’t make me lie about being
Single and Happy.

My Walk Home

2009-11-16T15:43:00.000-08:00

I saw a person walking down the street.
I could tell they were
Feeling pretty down.
Do you know what I did for them?
Nothing.
I just kept walking,
Walked all the way home.
I went to bed and
Cried myself to sleep.
Turns out I passed by
A Mirror.