A Good Mood Monday?

I am in a surprisingly fantastic mood today, probably the best it has been since November. I really want it to last! Am thinking of doing cartwheels up and down the hallways at the office, but I'm wearing a skirt...which could pose a slight issue. I'll just stick with smiling like a dork.

The Laundromat

I was at lunch today with some of my colleagues. We started talking about how luxurious living in a hotel would be. Then someone brought up having to go to a Laundromat.

I flashed back to doing laundry with FG there, in Australia, and driving to and from the Laundromat in his old, light blue car. Which took me to watching him practice some shit juditso, or whatever the f it was, and the power in his arms and hands. I remembered again.

I was staring at the t.v., apparently, as they questioned what was happening and I stammered through it.

Thank you TV.

Fair Phantom

Well. I am drawing a blank right now. I would like to pour my heart out but I think its drained. So I will go for fact statement:

Last night I could not drive, not because of impairment , but because I failed to care about my own safety.

The risks I am taking right now are careless and absurd. I will not list them. I need something to make me feel alive again, a shock of rejuvenation. I am a drone in this world. I mostly feel anger and intense pain.

My name doesn’t suit me anymore. “Heaven”, “small bird”. Somewhere I read it also means “fair phantom”, sounds about right in that sense but not if you say “fair spirit”.

This morning when it hurt to think of having to get out of bed, I recited countries full of people who are worse off.

Tonight I will do nothing…again. I know the feeling of loneliness will wash over and consume me. Tomorrow I will sleep the day away as much as I can and only wake to get my car detailed. I will go out Saturday and try for regularity, but go home early because I know I can’t fake it that long.

I am already tired. I want to be home.

Humpty Dumpty

I woke up this morning and thought "today I am Humpty Dumpty". Oh, that's right. I fell off my wall, broke into

Shit, I just remembered how that ended. "All the Kings' horses and all the King's men, couldn't put Humpty together again". Do you think if it was "All the King's women and all the Kings'..." they could've put him together? Who is putting me together. Me. I have to, even though most days I don't want to bother.

I am perpetually feeling as though my heart is broken. Worse than that. I just can't explain it. This is the feeling I woke up with. Feeling broken and, again, not wanting to face the day or get out of bed. I think I need a break. Maybe next week I'll be sick for a day.

Now I am at work, giving it my all, talking about the car I bought...anything normal. But I still feel it, under this façade.

My cousin got home last night. First thing he said to me was something like "I noticed you haven't shoveled." WHAT THE FUCK?! FUCK YOUUU. I really dislike living with him. My house was so clean when he was gone, without any of his doing of course. He couldn't even wash a dish before he left. I’m sure I'll get back to a dirty house after work tonight.

Besides that, he can't do shit. Couldn't even call a fucking company to estimate some damages. This is what I live with and go home to. Anger, resentment, finality.

Oh Life, some days I loathe you and what you make me deal with.

Ay Dios Mio

Last night was difficult, I spent the majority of it in the fetal position on the couch. I have lost most of my appetite. I usually eat to keep up the front and fit in, and to avoid getting sick. I do enjoy comfort food, though that is losing its appeal as well.

Keeping my eyes open seems like a feat in itself; I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I can stare at anything for ages and forget what I am really seeing.

Good news, I did make it in to work on time. So getting up today was not as hard as yesterday.

The things I used to do which made me happy aren’t working so well anymore either. Like car shopping. You think it’d be an exciting purchase, right? Instead I feel scared, anxious, unsure, and do not believe I am making the right decision or I am going too fast. I have mulled for days over the colour, the effin’ colour, and asked for countless opinions. I did not used to be like that; I would just choose the colour already because I knew what I wanted. I shop by colour, it’s what I do.

I will probably make the wrong decision and feel remorse about it later.

Ay dios mio. I am frustrated by the extent of time this is taking to get over it. I just want to be done with it already.

Buy It On eBay

I wrote this last night. My dreams were terrible when I did sleep and I woke up this morning with an utter lack of want to go to work. It was a struggle not to call in sick and I reminded myself that once I was here I could just focus on work. I cried when a song came on about being lonely:

I am on a slippery slope. I know I am isolating myself and withdrawing but I cannot gather the effort to give a shit. I also know I need to. I need to stay connected to what was normal for me before this.

What happens when you start downhill skiing? You just go, let it happen. Have you ever tried to ski uphill? Back to the top of your mountain so you can look upon the path ahead of you from a bird's eye view?

I don't want to cry but I want to feel connected with what I am, who I am, the now. If I connect, I will cry. Open the gates, let the flood begin.

I just heard a line, right now: "You'd better be home soon." It broke my heart because I do not feel like I am home. Like I am where I should be.

Even though the isolation is my own doing, the lonliness I feel is all-encompassing. My heart, my soul are totally detached from me. I just want to be understood, not alone.

I want someone to show up at my house if for no other reason than to sit with me through the evening. I want understanding and open arms. I want someone to just get that even though I am not making contact, pushing you all away, finding reasons to delete you from my phone/facebook, treating you less than I normally would and caring less about what you are going through, to just get it. Somewhere, deep down, the regular me is screaming to get out, ski up that hill, and tell you I fucking care about you too, I want to go out and leave my house being fully comfortable with others who aren't my family. I want to be your friend too. Please just understand how by myself I feel. Please. Just understand. Just think if it was you. Just get it, if for just one half of a split second. Feel what I feel.

She said I am on my way to depression if I don't make more of a concerted effort to live. I said I just thought I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic. She replied that I am beating myself up.

Great. He beat me. I beat me. I am lonely. I want someone like me. Being happy, faking it, makes me tired.

It was a "happy" day. I need sleep. Where is my break from faking it? eBay?

Back to Life, Back to Reality

Do you remember that song by En Vogue, Back to Life, Back to Reality? Ahh, that hit me last night. My family has departed from the city, the ones who are here are back at work. I am at the office along with the regular amount of coworkers. My workload has increased as deadlines near. Back to reality.

Christmas and NYE were both relaxing and fun. I didn’t spend much time away from my family, as my family home was my solace. A place where I did not have to worry or run into people I wasn’t up to facing.

I am down a friend. I will soon be up a new car. They probably should not be in the same paragraph, one is materialistic while the other scores as the top two in my most important list. However, they are considering what he said. He did call last night, to wish me a happy new year. Pfff. I know I was in the wrong as well, but right now I fail to care so much as I tried to reach out and apologize for it with no reciprocation. I believe Frankie said it best: “That’s Life”.

“Need a change, a positive change
Look it’s me writing on the wall”

I did alright through the holidays and was able to suppress much of it. My roommate is back sometime this week, could have been last night…not sure yet. It stresses me out as I know I am back to cleaning for two, nagging, and not wanting to go home again after work because he is there, he’s always there. In a perfect world I would make enough to buy him out and live on my own in this house. I really like this house.

I do not have a 2010 resolution. If I ever did believe in doing them it would be: I resolve to find happiness and freedom. I resolve to move on and put the past firmly in the past.

A new year. I think the rollover from one year to the next only serves to remind us of time passing. What now? What does tomorrow have that today will not bring?

Why does the end of the holidays bring me such a heavy hearted feeling? I am again feeling like I have been pushed down, or shrunken so I always look up to see what could’ve been. What happiness I could’ve had should I not have ever met FG.

Actually, I just realized the exact word for how I feel now - Condemned. As though I will never recover from this. It will just get worse.

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