The Rescuer? The Hero? The Victim.

Last night, in my session, we talked a lot about MP. She thinks I am trying to be the “rescuer” with him, essentially saving him from myself. Actually I don’t want to discuss this. Not today.


I continually battle with myself about wanting to do things. Whether it be reaching out to others, staying in a relationship, leaving my house, or even attending a hockey game with work. Some I win and others I lose, those are the days when I give in to myself and the solitude I so hugely crave…even though it feeds my loneliness.


Still haven’t told my work that I have to leave once a week early. I just don’t know what to say or reveal. However, I supposedly have the time off of work to go on my trip. *sigh* How will I find the energy to plan the main parts of it?


I’m tired today and wish I didn’t have to go to the hockey game tonight, the last thing I want to do right now is try and converse with people I don’t know.


Apparently I’m on the right path and am doing a lot of good things. I disagree, I fail myself constantly and I have no patience for this. I am frustrated.


Once this starts to get better my dreams are supposed to cede from my sleeping state. Time will tell.

*Exhale*

I don't know where to start today. I have to somehow tell my boss that I am going to need to leave early once a week for a while. What questions will he ask, if any? Haven't even told him I am leaving early today.

I spent a lot of time with my family this weekend, they have an unknowing way of making me feel better for a while. Maybe it's the unconditional acceptance and love, or that they don't know so I don't have to talk about it or see them thinking about it.

MP's mom was in town and his sister lives here. He wanted me to go with him to spend time with them this weekend, I couldn't do it. Maybe it's because talking to people I do not know so well is trying to say the least. Staying engaged in conversations still proves difficult without the whole "disassocation" thing, and that happens so fast now I barely notice it.

Another session tonight. I am nervous because I do not know this woman or how far into my past she'll want to take me.

it ain't no use to sit and wonder why.

I am so desperate for comfort but cannot find it anywhere. I keep thinking how I could possibly tell my family. Mom, Dad, Sis, Bro...I have PTSD. Most days now I cannot find a reason to carry on.

MP lies in my bed. It's after 3:30 am, I should be there with him but I don't want to hear him sleeping when I'm so tortured. I'm laying on my ground, main floor, drinking wine instead. Listening to Vonda and wondering why I am who I am. WHY. Why do I have to have my past? Why can't I just be there person I was? Fun, confident, exciting. Normal. Someone ppl called to invite out. Called to be with. Now it's just...solitude.


All the time.

Made It

Whew, did I cook up a storm last night. I wouldn't say it was theraputic, so much as it forced me to focus on something other than my thoughts. What a relief. I am tired of sitting and thinking.

Once I stopped it was like I couldn't feel anymore. Nothing. I couldn't even laugh or sympathize. Nor could I sleep. I kept dreaming that someone was pestering me with questions.

It is Tuesday today, I made it. Is this the beginning of the end? I guess I'll find out later.

Falling (or Fallen?) Apart

Most days I just wish someone would be there for me. This weekend I had no one. Just myself and my sorrow.

I saw my family last night but they were all wrapped up in too serious of a conversation to bother jumping into it. So I ate dinner, cleaned up after everyone and left. I wanted someone to ask how I was doing instead of what was new.

MP said he would be home all weekend. He was not. Out of town on Friday, I did not see him until late on Saturday…which the rational and normal part of me would be okay with because he had family in town too. But the selfish, down-in-the-dumps part just really wanted him to be with me. So I got up Saturday and decided I would try drinking all day, see if it would make me feel better (I just needed to know). It did not; I would say I will not do it again but I may…who knows, who cares. By the time he got to my house I was a few beers, wines, vodkas and pina coladas into my day/evening all ready. Even though I was not drunk until late that night I spent my day and evening crying, playing video games, watching movies, whatever. See what took the pain away the best…video games btw. Wondering why there were so many broken promises made (phone calls never received, plans never followed through with) when those people know what I am going through. Wondering where I can escape to next, where can I move to and be alone with new surroundings.

MP asked me if I even wanted him to come over. I hid my face in my hands and let the tears flow until he put his arms around me. I was, and always am, so desperate for a hug I cannot even being to explain the relief of finally having someone there to give it to me…especially after over 24 hours of seclusion.

He left really early the next morning, about 7. Alone again Sunday except for the family dinner. Slept alone too. Currently deciding if I want to be alone tonight.

Maybe I am poison to others right now. Too difficult and taxing to be around. Is it cruel of me to ask for company when I am so terrible at keeping it? Maybe.

I think MP should leave me. Not only do I now hate what is happening to me, what I am doing to myself, but I feel guilty for bringing someone along for the ride. I would like him back after I have dealt with this and got through it.

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. I will make it to Tuesday. Probably not without falling apart some more but I will make it.

I am screwing this up with MP. I know I barely show him I want to be in this and have made him to feel like a comfort to me only. I guess I just do not know how to give emotionally when I can barely muster the energy to live my life. The will to leave my house and carry on. The strength to get my job done. And how could I possibly want to be intimate when I feel like a fucking whale. Superbly ugly. Like a failure and a total loser. Angry, ashamed, completely and terribly heartbroken.

Getting into any type of relationship as I am going through this now seems extraordinarily selfish and I feel guilty. He keeps telling me that he wants to be with me but I do not know what I expect from him right now, or what I can give. I want someone to be there for me. To understand everything, all of it. To listen and support, yet provide me with space when I need it most. To hug me when all I can visualize is ways to end this and the cause of it. To stay awake with me until I am sure my sleep will not be haunted by memories…at least for a couple hours as I cannot make it through the night.

What can I give? Nothing right now. Nothing. I should not be doing this. If I cannot be happy why am I stopping someone else from being just that?

What do I do? What DO I do?

I want him around and do not want to give up on the possibilities but the timing is all off. I wish someone would just tell me what to do. Tell me if I am doing this wrong or what the right way to carry on is.

I don’t know how to explain this anymore. Who to count on or turn to. Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. I don’t know how to continue on with the fake happiness without getting extremely tired by 8 pm. I don’t know how to close my eyes without seeing him. Or how to not visualize horrible things. Not wish on hurt and pain for myself.

The end of this has to be near. It has to.

Why is he with me? Who would want to be with this girl, with these thoughts?

Turn It Off

They called me and my appointment is Tuesday. Only four nights of forced happiness to get through. One night of not having to pretend. Of those four nights I plan to stay out no longer than required. I have not given a response to either of my ball teams as to whether or not I will participate this summer. I am not feeling enthused about the two charitable committees I’m sitting on; one I do not even go to the meetings, the other I must because it is at work.

I could use some sleep again, an entire unbroken evening of it. I would also like to feel like being alive again. I sometimes reminisce on the days I used to go out with friends because I would rather be with them, having fun, than at home. This has obviously changed.

I think others are judging me, for a plentitude of things. Sometimes I get it, I understand why people hide the dirty things about them. Even if others think there is something going on, if they cannot see it, for the most part, they will not ask about it. Better to avoid, right? Who wants to know the truth, the uncomfortable truth.

If I come out of this, I do not think I will be afraid to ask the more blunt questions. Better to temporarily piss someone off than to make the feel…forgotten.

My phone rang a couple times last night and my hopes soared that it was someone calling to see how I was doing. Instead it was a friend who’s phone was accidentally calling me. So I turned my cell off. I keep it turned off a lot lately.

I would turn myself off too - my thoughts, my memories, my feelings - if I could.