New Beginnings?

I delivered some news to one person yesterday, went pretty well however I am still sorry about it. Now that they know I feel more comfortable on being open again about what is going on in my life.

I started seeing someone a few weeks ago, known him for a while but never in this much depth. It has moved so fast, yet I am completely comfortable with it.

- Week 1 - Spent the weekend with him in Kelowna and met his parents.
- Week 2 - I miss him when he’s gone for the weekend.
- Week 3 - We have shared everything good and bad about ourselves and, more miraculous for me, we have not walked away from each other.

Entering week 4 I have no idea what to expect. Time has flown by with him and he has given me reprieve from thinking about FG, except for one pair of his jeans. He (MP) has yet to let a morning go by without telling me I am beautiful and it has been years since I have begun to feel like this, about myself or someone else. MP has not pressed for more information regarding FG, ensuring me he will not until I am ready to talk more about it.

I never expected this or saw it coming; a healthy relationship was one thing I had little faith in happening for me. It is still early so I am not yet counting my blessings; however this is one thing I will try to protect, not push away and let it blossom on its’ own time.

Wish me luck!

Deservedness

One more person who knows. It’s not so bad. I mean, there’s always the element of shame and nervousness. Will it change the way they behave around me? Think less of me or question my psyche? Will they leave because of a lack of understanding or it is too much to deal with? But it is too late, I told him, he knows. I left out a lot, do not think I am ready to confess to it all yet.

He did call me out on one thing and got it right; I will have to work on it if it is so apparent. He said it is obvious I do not think a lot about myself. Wait, it is not like I have low self-esteem…right? Yeah, I don’t. However, he did say I do not believe I deserve much. Like being told good things about myself, having someone care about me or care for me, anything else that is good really. He hit the nail on the head.

I do not deserve a lot. And how can I feel that I do if I cannot even forgive myself for the past? If something good happens to me I always have to pay it forward because others deserve much more than I do. Hence all the volunteering.

I deserve to forgive myself.
I deserve…well, one step at a time. I will take care of that one first, maybe I can see more of what I am worthy of after that.

P.S. I opened with something like "I have something serious to tell you. Are we at the point where you'd want to know?" He said he knew, saw a flicker if it in my eyes when he asked about my past.

How To Start?

How do you tell someone the worst thing that has ever happened to you? How do you open the conversation?

1) If I confess to the skeleton in my closet will you stick around after knowing?
2) I have something serious to tell you, can we sit down?
3) Sometimes you remind me of someone I wish to never remember, someone I cannot forget, someone who scares me. Can we talk about him?
4) You think I am perfect but I need to tell you something that will disprove that.

With some of you I just said it, I was able to then. But now I want to hide it all over again and not confess to anyone else. She said it was part of my healing process, however it is one of the most difficult conversations. Admitting to your greatest flaw (She probably wouldn’t like that use of words)…admitting to your most raw moments, your only memories that haunt you. The one thing you still cannot forgive yourself for, even though it really was not your own doing.

How do you just come out and say it? I am waiting for a ‘moment’ but, in reality, I am stalling. I do not want to lose anyone else because of this.

Face Value

If someone warns you by saying they are not a good person, do you accept it? Sometimes I forewarn people when I think I may hurt them eventually. It is not fun knowing you are capable of doing this but…no excuses. I cannot be good and proper all the time. I cannot always offer others what they want me to, feel what they feel, or expect the same in return.

I took from others when I needed healing. I took your time everything else you had to offer, and only gave you my sorrow in return.

I thank you for being there when I needed you. For helping me get through this and learn to deal with it. At the same time, should you have been caught in my path I sincerely apologize. Should you ever be, please know I’m sorry in advance.

I make mistakes. I’m human. I made more mistakes during the last couple months than is normal for me. There is a lot of cleaning up to do.

Every day I think about FG, it is still constant. I have not felt the heart crushing ache in a couple weeks though. Is that part over?

There is still a list to compile of fears I need to face, work up to, to prove to myself I am over him. Should probably spend time doing that this week.

Back to face value though. Always accept what people say of themselves. Never has someone proven me wrong when listing a negative attribute about themselves.

In retrospect (which is where I spend a lot of time these days), if I had listened to FG when he said he wasn’t a good person and didn’t deserve me I would never have gotten into that mess.

Worse Off? Same Off?

I am pretty sure I will soon let someone down. I am sure I will hurt someone someday. I know others pain has nothing to do with me and I can do little about it. But I am back to wanting to help others and not wanting to hurt others.

I questioned if I was becoming an alcoholic a while ago. I know I am not. However I am concerned about another friend, I see the pain she is causing those who love her. I don't think she knows what she's doing yet. I wish her family strength.

I do not want to put the same on my family, though together they have the strength to help me with this. They deserve...anything but knowing. At least until I am over it so they don't have to hurt with me.

Tonight, or tomorrow, I will tell someone else who matters to me. I wonder if he'll stick around, I cannot blame him if he doesn't want to.

We all have a past. Is mine worse, same or different off? Different, few people deserve to say theirs' was worse. We are all entitled to our pain, our past.

I wish her family strength. I wish you all self-forgiveness.

Easy to Say

Whew, sigh of relief. The week of all day meetings and workshops is over. My presentations have been presented and now I can get back to regular work on Monday. Just a bit of stress is gone.

I can also get back to regular life and focusing on me instead of work again. Need to sell my car, talk to my cousin/roomie about responsibilities, make a list of my fears regarding FG, figure out how to stop making other people look like him.

Easy to say. I guess one of my top fears right now is that I will end up with a guy who looks like him. I can't stop worrying about this or making it happen. God, he wasn't even attractive. Just short, fat and mean. Dark hair and eyes. Squishy face. Short neck. Jeans, t-shirts and ball caps. Levi's. Feck me, I don't like Levi's. Faded front jeans. Dark hair and dark eyes.

(Warning - this paragraph is...adult) He had a freckle on his...ahh..."area". He used to tell me, and take may opportunities to remind me, that I would always be able to identify his you-know-what in a lineup. WHO wants to leave someone with that thought and why can I not forget it. I even remember the shape his lips took when saying that sentence because he uttered it so many times. He was a vile, mean, short, fat man. Ruthless in reminding me that I would never be able to forget him. This was just another tactic, he used to point it out after a fight...god knows why.

I'm not attracted to men with blond hair but dark hair reminds me of FG. WTF, that's messed up. How do I get around that one?

I will figure this out. I CAN and I WILL stop him from coming through in the features of others. I CAN and I WILL.

There is so much to get over, so much to do to move on successfully. I guess I am just a bit overwhelmed by it today, being so busy in the last week...I feel like I've pushed everything back by a few days and now I have to catch up. I seem to have forgotten my mantra of one day at a time.

When to Tell?

How long do I have to know someone for before I confess what is going on, especially when I can't even tell my parents? Will it be a feeling? A moment? A knowing that'll tell me when it's time?

It probably is necessary to get it out because one of my fears is that the new person will catch me in a moment. Completely naked, stripped down and bare. I'm not saying I have to tell them everything at first. But at least inform them so when I am immobilized with fear, probably from something they've done, it's only fair if they don't think my reaction is to or because of them.

Am I telling them for me or for them? I...crap, fine I'll admit it. (It could be logically wrong to all of you, maybe someday it will be to me.) I'd rather they know sooner in case they get weirded out by it and think I'm crazy. Offer them a way out before we get to know eachother too much. In case their reaction hurts. I mean, how much more can one person go through?

I am constantly heavy hearted around those who I'm hiding it from. It's a big weight to carry around and it tires me out.