If Only

Stand up, get pushed down.
Stand up again, get pushed back down.
Try that again:
Stand up, get pushed down once more.

I am going to sit for a while,
So weary from standing.

Standing in the shower?
Too much effort.
Standing up for myself,
By myself.
What for?

I will sit and recollect.
Regain my strength,
My will.

It is only me who can help myself.
If only something would
Take this all away.

A word.
A hug.
An understanding.
A pill.
I do not care,
Just want it gone.

At a Crosswalk

This week I have given in to myself and been reclusive. Cancelled plans and have not really left my house, except to go to work and take my dog for a walk. Am cancelling again tonight, just do not feel up for it; going out and pretending.

When I took my dog for a walk last night we were crossing the road in a cross walk. My dog was ahead of me, almost on the other sidewalk (in no danger at all, I swear it!) when another car came down the street and was turning the corner, maybe doing 30 or 40 kmph. I didn’t run out of the car’s path, instead I stayed rooted to my spot and forced him to slam on his breaks. Less than two feet from hitting me I could clearly see the fear in his eyes, while I was only angry. Angry at what though? Him for not seeing me, being another one not to notice me, or for not hitting me? Me because I did not think that getting hit by a car would be a bad thing, for challenging him, for NOT FUCKING CARING about myself again?

I cannot believe I made the choice to not move; in a split second I decided the physical pain would be better than the emotional. I need help.

This morning I emailed another counseling center. One who will set me up with a group of people who will maybe, finally, understand what I am going through. I am so incredibly tired of feeling alone. I am tired of not giving a shit what I am putting in my body. I am FUCKING TIRED of not caring about myself anymore. My relationships, my friendships. I am tired of continually challenging people, constantly pushing you all away.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah. How much longer?!!! How much longer until someone holds my hand, looks into my eyes and says “I get it, I understand, it happened to me too”. HOW MUCH LONGER?! How much longer until I can forgive myself? How much longer until I can feel as though I want to be in this relationship?! HOW MUCH LONGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

I am angry today. I am worn-out. I am deeply miserable.

De-Everything

I just cannot be bothered today. I do not feel like being social and going out this evening yet I made plans a couple weeks ago. What do I do; give in to despair and stay home, or make an effort to fight it off and go out?

Having a glass of wine and holding up my end of the conversation seems like a draining evening. WTF is wrong with me?

I am having the most difficult time shaking these feelings of misery, anguish, failure, dejection, loneliness, misunderstood, anger, distance, detachment. I can honestly say I just do not care. I don’t.

Tired, but can’t sleep. Lonely, yet push people away. Failure, of most relationships/friendships. Misery, feel as though I have let others down. Detachment, know I am not paying attention to others when I should but I have no energy to try. Misunderstood…for all of it.

I want time off of work to heal but would I actually get out of bed? Yes, probably; but I doubt I would find the ambition to leave my house.

Got pissed off at the time last night because it was only 7:30 and not late enough for sleep. Skipped school as I had no desire to be around other people. Cannot say I care about missing a class, I only wish I did not have to go next week.

I am the creator of my own gloom. Wish I had someone neutral to turn to for advice.

Talking + Today = X

Fuck it. The more I open my mouth today the more I think I am pissing people off. Trying so hard over here to keep it light and joke around but maybe I am not doing it right today...possibly it is so fake it is coming off wrong.

Whatever, I'm not talking anymore today unless it is business related. Same goes for all other types of correspondence.

I'm done. I wish I had a hug.

Skip It

Not having a great day today. I am so tired and cranky. Did not sleep so well again last night.

Have school this evening and kind of feel like skipping it. May go and just say I am not feeling too hot and leave early.

Don’t really feel like talking to anyone today but they all want to chat with me. And I know why I feel this way, I just don’t really want to talk/write about it right now…not even to myself. I cannot figure out if it is because of what I am going through or if I would normally think this.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. I am beyond tired and frustrated with what I am going through. I am so done with it affecting my life all the time, how do I stop it?

One Less Hour

Woah, last night I slept from 5 am until 6 am this morning, tossed and turned the rest of the time. I can barely focus at work. I keep looking under my desk, knowing there's enough room for me to sleep there and most people walking by won't see. I keep getting a burst of energy right before bed time.

I'm putting off getting into details about last weekend until I get more sleep and can be bothered to continue typing.

My coworker suggested working out before bed. I don't even feel like walking to get food at lunch. Probably my loss of appetite has not helped my lack of energy. Have lunch and dinner plans today, this is good...will force me to eat something.

No Sleep

I don’t really feel like writing today. Slept like shat last night, maybe got two hours in there. The night before was no better. Me neeeeeed sleep. Would like to splay across my desk, stretch out, curl back in to a ball, and pass out. There’s enough room if I just clean everything off.

Can’t stop yawning.

Damn FG for creeping in my dreams. How much longer until he disappears from them?

I'll tell about my weekend tomorrow maybe.