Proceed With Caution

So last night, in my session (sounds better than “therapy”), we talked about what I needed to do to heal and what’s been happening over the past week. Quick overview of the last 7 days: stayed holed up in my house; went to a party, freaked out; saw his cologne, freaked out; saw his friend, freaked out. Do we see a pattern here? Oh I’m also easily aggravated and if you say one word, which I’m not too sure which word(s) that could/would be, I will sob for minutes. Sob, not cry.

She asked me to visualize him and tell him what I need to say. I cried. No, I mascara-running-down-my-face sobbed. I can’t picture him without the pain. I want to scream at him and tell him “I HAAAATE YOU. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!!!!!” a million times over. I want to hit him, I want to hurt him. I WANT to hate him in every way possible.

I don’t hate anything. Dislike, yes. Extremely dislike…sure, sometimes. But hate, it’s a strong and meaningful word. A Proceed With Caution word.

So over the next two weeks, in order to overcome this, I need to write a letter to him (only for myself of course, will never actually send it) stating everything I want to say to him. *Exhale* This task will take a lot of thinking and heartache, I’m incredibly scared and overwhelmed by it.

I also need to share what I’m going through with another great friend. This person has been in the dark about my situation for 7 years. I don’t think I’ve ever told him much about it, maybe nothing at all. He has no idea what I’m going through right now or why I’ve exhausted so much energy into pushing him away for the last couple/few years, depending on how you look at it. Shamefully, until last night, I was unaware of my own disgrace at having him near me. I’ve always been too embarrassed to tell him about it, too meek to tell him not to jokingly call me names, too weak to tell him it hurts. It’s not his fault, he doesn’t know. It’s my own for not sharing my pain with my oldest friend.

I have asked myself many times if I think he’ll understand, how I think he’ll treat me after, and what will the changes in our friendship be after I share my story. I currently have no answers for this. I just know if I don’t tell him soon, someday, because of my own doing and his lack of knowledge, I will walk out of his life. I will offer no reason as to why, I just will. I need to find the internal strength to face him soon. If I trace my emotions inside me through my esophagus, past my heart, and into my gut, where my strength lies, I cannot feel it, I cannot find my strength. Not today. Not yesterday. Maybe tomorrow, or within the tomorrows to come.

I must also work on my ability to disassociate myself from others and situations happening around me. This disassociation happens so quickly I’m not aware of it until I, quite literally, feel myself struggling to get back to the moment. It kind of feels like the moment you realize you can’t hold your breath any longer under water and it’s time to surface; but you know you must surface quickly or you risk drowning. Yes, that’s the feeling, only instead it’s my thoughts. If I don’t concentrate back on the moment I’m in asap, will I get back there? Or will I be forever stuck in a state of an inability to care, to feel, to move on, and to be whole?

In order to come out of this it requires physical feeling. Pressing of nails into my palm. Feeling my toes touching my socks. Feeling the air escape my lungs. Feel. I’d rather not, thank you.

Have I Healed?

Since I've seen him, I can't stop considering if I'm not actually over it yet. I'm not one to cry often and yet at random moments lately, like finding a Christmas tree, watching a commercial, I've cried and cried. Moments of elated "I'M OVER IT" and dancing through the house, to a tear streaked face and thoughts of "I'LL NEVER BE", and other times when I think I've broke my own heart by not letting go.

It's been 5 years. 5 years since verbal assualts; "you're dumb", "you're an idiot", "you're worthless", "no one else will ever love you", "you won't find anyone after me". 5 years since the grabbing, pushing and threatening. 5 years since he put his head through a door. 6 years since the knife to the throat. That's a long time to heal, to get over it and move on.

Why, since then, am I still looking for the guy who I know it won't work out with? Why am I not yet able to freely speak my mind like I could before?

I'm tired now; of thinking about it at random moments, letting it keep me from exploring another relationship, holding back my thoughts in meetings. I WANT to be me, I want to break free and run back to myself - the person before him.

What now? So I've realized it, how do you move on and trust another guy. How do you begin to look for, and accept there is, a great and kind guy? What am I even looking for? I think I'll start with this:

Not violent, even when he's been drinking. Doesn't do drugs. Doesn't put others down. Thinks of women as equal. Gets along with his family and cherishes them. Has wonderful friends. Stable job which he enjoys. A love of life.

Not too much to ask, right? Well, if not, where is he?

He still harms me, even though it's been 5 years. F&#!, I can't believe I just realized it's still affecting me and that I let it.



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