Since I've seen him, I can't stop considering if I'm not actually over it yet. I'm not one to cry often and yet at random moments lately, like finding a Christmas tree, watching a commercial, I've cried and cried. Moments of elated "I'M OVER IT" and dancing through the house, to a tear streaked face and thoughts of "I'LL NEVER BE", and other times when I think I've broke my own heart by not letting go.
It's been 5 years. 5 years since verbal assualts; "you're dumb", "you're an idiot", "you're worthless", "no one else will ever love you", "you won't find anyone after me". 5 years since the grabbing, pushing and threatening. 5 years since he put his head through a door. 6 years since the knife to the throat. That's a long time to heal, to get over it and move on.
Why, since then, am I still looking for the guy who I know it won't work out with? Why am I not yet able to freely speak my mind like I could before?
I'm tired now; of thinking about it at random moments, letting it keep me from exploring another relationship, holding back my thoughts in meetings. I WANT to be me, I want to break free and run back to myself - the person before him.
What now? So I've realized it, how do you move on and trust another guy. How do you begin to look for, and accept there is, a great and kind guy? What am I even looking for? I think I'll start with this:
Not violent, even when he's been drinking. Doesn't do drugs. Doesn't put others down. Thinks of women as equal. Gets along with his family and cherishes them. Has wonderful friends. Stable job which he enjoys. A love of life.
Not too much to ask, right? Well, if not, where is he?
He still harms me, even though it's been 5 years. F&#!, I can't believe I just realized it's still affecting me and that I let it.
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