New Beginnings?

I delivered some news to one person yesterday, went pretty well however I am still sorry about it. Now that they know I feel more comfortable on being open again about what is going on in my life.

I started seeing someone a few weeks ago, known him for a while but never in this much depth. It has moved so fast, yet I am completely comfortable with it.

- Week 1 - Spent the weekend with him in Kelowna and met his parents.
- Week 2 - I miss him when he’s gone for the weekend.
- Week 3 - We have shared everything good and bad about ourselves and, more miraculous for me, we have not walked away from each other.

Entering week 4 I have no idea what to expect. Time has flown by with him and he has given me reprieve from thinking about FG, except for one pair of his jeans. He (MP) has yet to let a morning go by without telling me I am beautiful and it has been years since I have begun to feel like this, about myself or someone else. MP has not pressed for more information regarding FG, ensuring me he will not until I am ready to talk more about it.

I never expected this or saw it coming; a healthy relationship was one thing I had little faith in happening for me. It is still early so I am not yet counting my blessings; however this is one thing I will try to protect, not push away and let it blossom on its’ own time.

Wish me luck!

Deservedness

One more person who knows. It’s not so bad. I mean, there’s always the element of shame and nervousness. Will it change the way they behave around me? Think less of me or question my psyche? Will they leave because of a lack of understanding or it is too much to deal with? But it is too late, I told him, he knows. I left out a lot, do not think I am ready to confess to it all yet.

He did call me out on one thing and got it right; I will have to work on it if it is so apparent. He said it is obvious I do not think a lot about myself. Wait, it is not like I have low self-esteem…right? Yeah, I don’t. However, he did say I do not believe I deserve much. Like being told good things about myself, having someone care about me or care for me, anything else that is good really. He hit the nail on the head.

I do not deserve a lot. And how can I feel that I do if I cannot even forgive myself for the past? If something good happens to me I always have to pay it forward because others deserve much more than I do. Hence all the volunteering.

I deserve to forgive myself.
I deserve…well, one step at a time. I will take care of that one first, maybe I can see more of what I am worthy of after that.

P.S. I opened with something like "I have something serious to tell you. Are we at the point where you'd want to know?" He said he knew, saw a flicker if it in my eyes when he asked about my past.

How To Start?

How do you tell someone the worst thing that has ever happened to you? How do you open the conversation?

1) If I confess to the skeleton in my closet will you stick around after knowing?
2) I have something serious to tell you, can we sit down?
3) Sometimes you remind me of someone I wish to never remember, someone I cannot forget, someone who scares me. Can we talk about him?
4) You think I am perfect but I need to tell you something that will disprove that.

With some of you I just said it, I was able to then. But now I want to hide it all over again and not confess to anyone else. She said it was part of my healing process, however it is one of the most difficult conversations. Admitting to your greatest flaw (She probably wouldn’t like that use of words)…admitting to your most raw moments, your only memories that haunt you. The one thing you still cannot forgive yourself for, even though it really was not your own doing.

How do you just come out and say it? I am waiting for a ‘moment’ but, in reality, I am stalling. I do not want to lose anyone else because of this.

Face Value

If someone warns you by saying they are not a good person, do you accept it? Sometimes I forewarn people when I think I may hurt them eventually. It is not fun knowing you are capable of doing this but…no excuses. I cannot be good and proper all the time. I cannot always offer others what they want me to, feel what they feel, or expect the same in return.

I took from others when I needed healing. I took your time everything else you had to offer, and only gave you my sorrow in return.

I thank you for being there when I needed you. For helping me get through this and learn to deal with it. At the same time, should you have been caught in my path I sincerely apologize. Should you ever be, please know I’m sorry in advance.

I make mistakes. I’m human. I made more mistakes during the last couple months than is normal for me. There is a lot of cleaning up to do.

Every day I think about FG, it is still constant. I have not felt the heart crushing ache in a couple weeks though. Is that part over?

There is still a list to compile of fears I need to face, work up to, to prove to myself I am over him. Should probably spend time doing that this week.

Back to face value though. Always accept what people say of themselves. Never has someone proven me wrong when listing a negative attribute about themselves.

In retrospect (which is where I spend a lot of time these days), if I had listened to FG when he said he wasn’t a good person and didn’t deserve me I would never have gotten into that mess.

Worse Off? Same Off?

I am pretty sure I will soon let someone down. I am sure I will hurt someone someday. I know others pain has nothing to do with me and I can do little about it. But I am back to wanting to help others and not wanting to hurt others.

I questioned if I was becoming an alcoholic a while ago. I know I am not. However I am concerned about another friend, I see the pain she is causing those who love her. I don't think she knows what she's doing yet. I wish her family strength.

I do not want to put the same on my family, though together they have the strength to help me with this. They deserve...anything but knowing. At least until I am over it so they don't have to hurt with me.

Tonight, or tomorrow, I will tell someone else who matters to me. I wonder if he'll stick around, I cannot blame him if he doesn't want to.

We all have a past. Is mine worse, same or different off? Different, few people deserve to say theirs' was worse. We are all entitled to our pain, our past.

I wish her family strength. I wish you all self-forgiveness.

Easy to Say

Whew, sigh of relief. The week of all day meetings and workshops is over. My presentations have been presented and now I can get back to regular work on Monday. Just a bit of stress is gone.

I can also get back to regular life and focusing on me instead of work again. Need to sell my car, talk to my cousin/roomie about responsibilities, make a list of my fears regarding FG, figure out how to stop making other people look like him.

Easy to say. I guess one of my top fears right now is that I will end up with a guy who looks like him. I can't stop worrying about this or making it happen. God, he wasn't even attractive. Just short, fat and mean. Dark hair and eyes. Squishy face. Short neck. Jeans, t-shirts and ball caps. Levi's. Feck me, I don't like Levi's. Faded front jeans. Dark hair and dark eyes.

(Warning - this paragraph is...adult) He had a freckle on his...ahh..."area". He used to tell me, and take may opportunities to remind me, that I would always be able to identify his you-know-what in a lineup. WHO wants to leave someone with that thought and why can I not forget it. I even remember the shape his lips took when saying that sentence because he uttered it so many times. He was a vile, mean, short, fat man. Ruthless in reminding me that I would never be able to forget him. This was just another tactic, he used to point it out after a fight...god knows why.

I'm not attracted to men with blond hair but dark hair reminds me of FG. WTF, that's messed up. How do I get around that one?

I will figure this out. I CAN and I WILL stop him from coming through in the features of others. I CAN and I WILL.

There is so much to get over, so much to do to move on successfully. I guess I am just a bit overwhelmed by it today, being so busy in the last week...I feel like I've pushed everything back by a few days and now I have to catch up. I seem to have forgotten my mantra of one day at a time.

When to Tell?

How long do I have to know someone for before I confess what is going on, especially when I can't even tell my parents? Will it be a feeling? A moment? A knowing that'll tell me when it's time?

It probably is necessary to get it out because one of my fears is that the new person will catch me in a moment. Completely naked, stripped down and bare. I'm not saying I have to tell them everything at first. But at least inform them so when I am immobilized with fear, probably from something they've done, it's only fair if they don't think my reaction is to or because of them.

Am I telling them for me or for them? I...crap, fine I'll admit it. (It could be logically wrong to all of you, maybe someday it will be to me.) I'd rather they know sooner in case they get weirded out by it and think I'm crazy. Offer them a way out before we get to know eachother too much. In case their reaction hurts. I mean, how much more can one person go through?

I am constantly heavy hearted around those who I'm hiding it from. It's a big weight to carry around and it tires me out.

Saturday, When Will You Get Here?

I am too tired today to feel much of anything. This is going to be a very taxing week and by the end of it I'll be wiped.

Thinking of spending my weekend sleeping, watching movies...generally a whole bunch of nothing. Probably some alone time after all of the events of this week; all the coworkers, meetings, dinners, etc.

I'm hungry but don't have the energy to get any food. I need a food runner like they have in restaurants. Just a few more days until Saturday, this is the Saturday I've been waiting for since November!

If I Just...Forgive Myself. If I just.

I wrapped up another session tonight. Did a lot of talking this time, rationalizing and giving credit to others for where I am at today. I, apparently, need to take more of the credit for getting back up and out again. Trying to put myself back together.

We talked some about forgiving FG and how thinking about it just isn't hitting home. She asked if I have forgiven myself yet. I cried. Which means 'no', I haven't forgiven myself for what I went through. I do a lot of "If I just" statements.

If I just never met him.
If I just left after the first incident.
If I just kept on forgetting.
If I just never ran into him.
If I just.
If I just.
If I just.

I feel like three entirely separate people, honestly. If I have ever talked to you about this face to face you may have heard me say I miss the girl before, I am not the girl during, I am me - the post-FG girl. I have the hardest time putting those three together, they don't belong...three very stubborn puzzle pieces. Do you have these versions of yourself? What is your "If I just" statement?

How do you forgive yourself? Think of it, your biggest regret. Now what do you do to forgive yourself? You can say it over and over: I forgive you, I forgive you. But there's no light feeling after, no ah-ha moment, nothing. "I forgive you" will not resonate with me. I need more. I want to let go of this and move on, I want to feel it gone.

I cannot stop punishing myself for those years. I will give it my best shot though, because so-fucking-help-me if I have to go through all of this again.

Two weeks ago I didn't care about my safety. I didn't care about eating. I didn't care. Now I am trying to give this my best shot, but I keep going back to denial and self-protection. My appetite isn't fully back, I remind myself of what I do have that's worth all of this.

If you have any ideas of how I can possibly forgive myself please share them, because I can't think of one. It could be something I need to do, something I need to say or admit. I don't know.

One Day at a Time

One day at a time. It is impossible to live more then that. You can plan ahead, think you know what's coming next. Put it all in your calendar, write it in pen. Then BAM, things or people come along and mess it all up. Sometimes for the better.

One day at a time. Another great weekend, happier days. I am most likely not dealing with everything head-on, but she did say to take chances and be more social. I have achieved that, even spent hours with people I didn't know and struck up conversations like the old me.

One day at a time. My eyes still play tricks on me. I turn every man I possibly can into FG. His toes, his legs, his stomach, his chest, his face, his hair, his clothes. I will accidentally find one thing on a guy and let it evolve into a different person - FG. I deny it to myself, accept it for myself. I cannot figure out why I am doing this or how to stop it. I only know how to continue on after I have done it.

One day at a time.

Permission

It has been an incredibly busy week, and a lot has happened. I love my car, just want to drive for absolutely no reason. JL, I see why you adore yours and giggle when you're behind the wheel...it's precisely what I do now. I opened the sunroof this morning just because I could and cranked the heat, only where we live will someone do that.

Other things have happened which I am not ready to share yet, publicly. Soon I just may.

Last night I had another 'incident'; at least I had a few days without any! And REALLY great days those were. I saw a guy bend down to pick something up, he was wearing sweatpants and a baseball cap. I was so sure when he stood up it was FG, one foot shorter and with a menacing (I think it's a suiting word) smile on his face. I stood there in shock for a few moments, probably closer to a minute, staring at the place where this guy once stood. It was fear which kept me rooted in place at first, then it was shame and realization. It was not him, didn't look like him...but what if?

*Deep breathing* What if I let someone in and they hurt me? What if I don't take the chance to be hurt again? What if I run into him again, what will I do or say?

With bated breath, do I dare to turn over a new page in my life? Accept the things I cannot control?

When others begin to matter to me, when does it become necessary that I share all of this with them? I know I cannot hide it forever because it attacks at the oddest and least predictable of moments.

I will conquer this. I can leave it behind.

I give myself permission to move on, yet still accept what happened and feel it when I need to. But not alone. No. I cannot do it alone anymore.

Mates

Here's what I do know. Events happen, some leave a stronger imprint than others.

I think some people are given to you at the exact moment you need them. JL, KC, NL, JJ, MW, I am happy to have met you ages ago, and the support and love you have always provided me is astounding. I would say undeserving, however that's what friends are for. MP, DH, T, you are my moment people. Just when I needed someone with your personality, style and outlook you 'pounced' into my life and gave me what I needed.

I am thankful to each and all of you. And to many others I have most likely forgot to list. If I should be grateful for something which has happened to me during the last few rough months, moments, days and nights, it is for your understanding, embraces, phone calls, quiet moments, and the ability to just put up with me.

While these few days have been much happier then some others as of late, I can feel my past lurking beneath it all...waiting. I am completely aware I cannot outrun it now, but a few days of reprieve has possibly been what I required to remind me. Remind me of everything you've all done for me, and that I have the strength and will to face this.

I was approaching a very dark time, without a doubt the worst I can recall. I hope to never go back there. Maybe 2010 is my year. Maybe not. But in case I fail to tell you all enough:

Thank you, I love you, and you have NO idea how much I appreciate you all.

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A Good Mood Monday?

I am in a surprisingly fantastic mood today, probably the best it has been since November. I really want it to last! Am thinking of doing cartwheels up and down the hallways at the office, but I'm wearing a skirt...which could pose a slight issue. I'll just stick with smiling like a dork.

The Laundromat

I was at lunch today with some of my colleagues. We started talking about how luxurious living in a hotel would be. Then someone brought up having to go to a Laundromat.

I flashed back to doing laundry with FG there, in Australia, and driving to and from the Laundromat in his old, light blue car. Which took me to watching him practice some shit juditso, or whatever the f it was, and the power in his arms and hands. I remembered again.

I was staring at the t.v., apparently, as they questioned what was happening and I stammered through it.

Thank you TV.

Fair Phantom

Well. I am drawing a blank right now. I would like to pour my heart out but I think its drained. So I will go for fact statement:

Last night I could not drive, not because of impairment , but because I failed to care about my own safety.

The risks I am taking right now are careless and absurd. I will not list them. I need something to make me feel alive again, a shock of rejuvenation. I am a drone in this world. I mostly feel anger and intense pain.

My name doesn’t suit me anymore. “Heaven”, “small bird”. Somewhere I read it also means “fair phantom”, sounds about right in that sense but not if you say “fair spirit”.

This morning when it hurt to think of having to get out of bed, I recited countries full of people who are worse off.

Tonight I will do nothing…again. I know the feeling of loneliness will wash over and consume me. Tomorrow I will sleep the day away as much as I can and only wake to get my car detailed. I will go out Saturday and try for regularity, but go home early because I know I can’t fake it that long.

I am already tired. I want to be home.

Humpty Dumpty

I woke up this morning and thought "today I am Humpty Dumpty". Oh, that's right. I fell off my wall, broke into

Shit, I just remembered how that ended. "All the Kings' horses and all the King's men, couldn't put Humpty together again". Do you think if it was "All the King's women and all the Kings'..." they could've put him together? Who is putting me together. Me. I have to, even though most days I don't want to bother.

I am perpetually feeling as though my heart is broken. Worse than that. I just can't explain it. This is the feeling I woke up with. Feeling broken and, again, not wanting to face the day or get out of bed. I think I need a break. Maybe next week I'll be sick for a day.

Now I am at work, giving it my all, talking about the car I bought...anything normal. But I still feel it, under this façade.

My cousin got home last night. First thing he said to me was something like "I noticed you haven't shoveled." WHAT THE FUCK?! FUCK YOUUU. I really dislike living with him. My house was so clean when he was gone, without any of his doing of course. He couldn't even wash a dish before he left. I’m sure I'll get back to a dirty house after work tonight.

Besides that, he can't do shit. Couldn't even call a fucking company to estimate some damages. This is what I live with and go home to. Anger, resentment, finality.

Oh Life, some days I loathe you and what you make me deal with.

Ay Dios Mio

Last night was difficult, I spent the majority of it in the fetal position on the couch. I have lost most of my appetite. I usually eat to keep up the front and fit in, and to avoid getting sick. I do enjoy comfort food, though that is losing its appeal as well.

Keeping my eyes open seems like a feat in itself; I feel like a shell of the person I used to be. I can stare at anything for ages and forget what I am really seeing.

Good news, I did make it in to work on time. So getting up today was not as hard as yesterday.

The things I used to do which made me happy aren’t working so well anymore either. Like car shopping. You think it’d be an exciting purchase, right? Instead I feel scared, anxious, unsure, and do not believe I am making the right decision or I am going too fast. I have mulled for days over the colour, the effin’ colour, and asked for countless opinions. I did not used to be like that; I would just choose the colour already because I knew what I wanted. I shop by colour, it’s what I do.

I will probably make the wrong decision and feel remorse about it later.

Ay dios mio. I am frustrated by the extent of time this is taking to get over it. I just want to be done with it already.

Buy It On eBay

I wrote this last night. My dreams were terrible when I did sleep and I woke up this morning with an utter lack of want to go to work. It was a struggle not to call in sick and I reminded myself that once I was here I could just focus on work. I cried when a song came on about being lonely:

I am on a slippery slope. I know I am isolating myself and withdrawing but I cannot gather the effort to give a shit. I also know I need to. I need to stay connected to what was normal for me before this.

What happens when you start downhill skiing? You just go, let it happen. Have you ever tried to ski uphill? Back to the top of your mountain so you can look upon the path ahead of you from a bird's eye view?

I don't want to cry but I want to feel connected with what I am, who I am, the now. If I connect, I will cry. Open the gates, let the flood begin.

I just heard a line, right now: "You'd better be home soon." It broke my heart because I do not feel like I am home. Like I am where I should be.

Even though the isolation is my own doing, the lonliness I feel is all-encompassing. My heart, my soul are totally detached from me. I just want to be understood, not alone.

I want someone to show up at my house if for no other reason than to sit with me through the evening. I want understanding and open arms. I want someone to just get that even though I am not making contact, pushing you all away, finding reasons to delete you from my phone/facebook, treating you less than I normally would and caring less about what you are going through, to just get it. Somewhere, deep down, the regular me is screaming to get out, ski up that hill, and tell you I fucking care about you too, I want to go out and leave my house being fully comfortable with others who aren't my family. I want to be your friend too. Please just understand how by myself I feel. Please. Just understand. Just think if it was you. Just get it, if for just one half of a split second. Feel what I feel.

She said I am on my way to depression if I don't make more of a concerted effort to live. I said I just thought I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic. She replied that I am beating myself up.

Great. He beat me. I beat me. I am lonely. I want someone like me. Being happy, faking it, makes me tired.

It was a "happy" day. I need sleep. Where is my break from faking it? eBay?

Back to Life, Back to Reality

Do you remember that song by En Vogue, Back to Life, Back to Reality? Ahh, that hit me last night. My family has departed from the city, the ones who are here are back at work. I am at the office along with the regular amount of coworkers. My workload has increased as deadlines near. Back to reality.

Christmas and NYE were both relaxing and fun. I didn’t spend much time away from my family, as my family home was my solace. A place where I did not have to worry or run into people I wasn’t up to facing.

I am down a friend. I will soon be up a new car. They probably should not be in the same paragraph, one is materialistic while the other scores as the top two in my most important list. However, they are considering what he said. He did call last night, to wish me a happy new year. Pfff. I know I was in the wrong as well, but right now I fail to care so much as I tried to reach out and apologize for it with no reciprocation. I believe Frankie said it best: “That’s Life”.

“Need a change, a positive change
Look it’s me writing on the wall”

I did alright through the holidays and was able to suppress much of it. My roommate is back sometime this week, could have been last night…not sure yet. It stresses me out as I know I am back to cleaning for two, nagging, and not wanting to go home again after work because he is there, he’s always there. In a perfect world I would make enough to buy him out and live on my own in this house. I really like this house.

I do not have a 2010 resolution. If I ever did believe in doing them it would be: I resolve to find happiness and freedom. I resolve to move on and put the past firmly in the past.

A new year. I think the rollover from one year to the next only serves to remind us of time passing. What now? What does tomorrow have that today will not bring?

Why does the end of the holidays bring me such a heavy hearted feeling? I am again feeling like I have been pushed down, or shrunken so I always look up to see what could’ve been. What happiness I could’ve had should I not have ever met FG.

Actually, I just realized the exact word for how I feel now - Condemned. As though I will never recover from this. It will just get worse.

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