I want to wake up on Sunday

Hard. It’s so fucking hard to hear other people’s stories. It’s hard to believe I belong in the same room as them. It’s hard to toss out the shame and embarrassment even though I don’t think they should feel it.

It’s so fucking hard to hear my own voice over his. Mine is a whisper compared to his roar which demands to remind me that I’m a worthless-unlovable-whore.

It isn’t easy by any means. They look at me, quickly and surprised, when I talk. Which, for those who knew me before, it wasn’t shocking when I talked…I loved talking. He writes down what I say, like it means something, or he hasn’t heard it before/in a while. I am angry for the other women. I want to take them all in, let them and their little ones stay with me. House them and protect them all from the bad, as I have done for myself for so many years.

I still can only admit to them what happened, in a much more delicate way than I would tell most of you. I feel as though they relate to me and yet I am having a hard time accepting the ONE thing I wanted for so long. I want to heal them, why can’t I find the want to do the same for myself?

The image that stuck in my mind last night was his red cheek and my hand. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. Disbelief that I hit back. Knowing I had to get out before I became an abuser, instead of just the ****ee.

I cried until the water ran cold. I shut off my alarm. I want an endless supply of warm water and tears. A glass of wine and an embrace. I want to let go of today, tomorrow. And the day after. I want to wake up on Sunday.

Losing My Self-Identity

Group again tonight. What it did to me the last time…not looking forward to that. The dreams haven’t stopped, he pops into them whenever. Fuck his face.

As I was reflecting on the things I have done over the past week I am not too sure if I am proud impressed with myself for doing things that I normally would have anyways. Forced myself to do so many things, but didn’t find any excitement in the usual. I went to my first ball games, double-header on Monday, made the usual funny comments they all expected of me but I was dying to go home. I stuck it out though, didn’t play my best but ah well. I am still taken aback by how uncomfortable I can be around those I’ve known for years and years.

This week is the big volunteering week. The one I am normally so into; the one I have spent months ramping up for…not this year. Imagine all those fucking people, thousands of them. Once you get thrown in that red committee shirt there is no hiding, oh god that is scary. For over 23 hours in 2 days I will have to suppress everything, put a smile on my face and be “on” the whole time. For co-committee members, co-volunteers, attendees, VIPs, friends, adults, children, baaah.

This year I wish I could be sad that I couldn’t invest more time into this event but I’m just not feeling it…or much of anything these days. I’ve passed on all the committee meetings, backed out of all my responsibilities so far, I really don’t want to lose this one though. Passed on my stuff that I’m supposed to do for it tonight (because of the group) to a friend and I’m jealous it’s not me there. And the retarded, insecure part is afraid she’ll outshine/outdo/out-everything me and take my place next year. Will they like her more than me? Think she’s more dedicated? Kinder? More caring? Everything I’m not? I mean, what am I right now? I feel like a lying piece of shit. Fake. Scared. Incapable. Stupid. Dumbass. Bitch. FUCK YOU Franco. How do I take my power and self back from you?

What do I have right now that I can call mine and enjoy? Not much of anything. Whatever.

This group thing depresses me. I don’t want to do this. I could cry now. Go home, hide in bed and cry.

Lessons Learned - Fuck That

Do you ever feel like you can't get a fucking thing right? No breaks are offered to you. You make one little mistake that ends up costing you much, much, much more? Lessons learned and all that shit won't save me a few thousand dollars now; won't take back the memories; won't reimburse me with my old self.

Fuck you Lessons Learned. Who the fuck needs to learn a lesson by yourself when someone could've just told you or warned you? Don't sign a contract until you have all the material, information, etc. covered 100% percent. Until it's all in front of you. Don't stay in a relationship with someone who breaks you apart piece by piece without you noticing - find your "red flag" words or situtations and stick to them.

How do you not relate your past to your present? Fuck me it's hard.

I can barely, barely, almost not, function today without crying. If I even think just a little about everything that's going on, needs to be done or fixed I may just fucking lose it. I couldn't give a shit about my plans this weekend, if I feel like doing it when it approaches I will. But probably not, there is just too much going on for me to process at the moment. I can't handle this, I cannot do it. I can't.

i HATE the world today

Talking to JL on Sunday. I don’t really feel like formally talking, not too sure what I want/have to say. Part of me questions whether or not she should even know what’s going on, it isn’t like she has shown an interest in being around. Plus, when I tell her I feel abandoned/left out by her she proceeds to tell me she has to meet early on Sunday because she has dinner plans with another friend. HOLY FUCK, are you not LISTENING. It’s kind of like she’s rubbing it in. Kind of like she’s saying this:

“Hey (insert my name), you’re not important enough to me to include in anything, or to talk to unless you get upset with me. I would much rather ignore what you are actually saying and just make you feel like shit. I will never listen to a fucking word that comes out of your mouth because it isn’t important and doesn’t matter. I only want to get drunk with you so you so shut the fuck up and call me when you’re better and want to party.”

MP said I was selfish last night because I’m not one to give shoulder rubs, or give foot massages, and get all touchy-feely like that. I have never been one to do this. You know when girls in elementary school would want you to play with their hair while you sat in assembly or something…I couldn’t be bothered. It never interested me to have mine played with or to touch someone else’s. I was never the hairdresser or doctor while playing make-believe. I think all that touching is too unnecessary. If I really need someone to rub my head, shoulders, back or feet I’ll friggin’ pay a professional to do it. It’s not selfish, just not a part of who I am. It’s not like I miraculously changed into this person who wasn’t interested in this. I never have been. I don’t need to be touched and coddled all the time, therefore I’m not interested in doing it too much for someone else.

Is it totally fucking twisted that I don’t even like when someone asks me for a hug or kiss. If you want to hug or kiss me just do it, don’t ask. Do it.
Ah fuck it. I’m in a bad mood. I hate the world today. The world. Don’t tell me I’m selfish. Don’t all of the sudden want to talk but ignore what I say. FUCK.

Ne Me Quitte Pas

Here’s a whole bunch of shit just running through my head today:

- Another day, more plans made that I really don’t know if I can carry through with.

- I do not relate you to him, I do not think you are him. But when you act out, albeit by throwing something or just getting upset, it scares me. Worries me. Makes me nervous. I do not want to tell you for worry of making you feel guilty about being human. Sometimes I want to ask, so much, if you have ever hit a woman. From the type of man you are, and have proven yourself to be, I am confident the answer would be no. But still. I am scared. That someday instead of throwing it at the ground, you’ll throw it at me. You’ll raise a fist, a hand, or a knife to me.

- Your FB update showed up on my home page. It said you were having a bad day: “fml”. I could not reach out or even bother to question why; how do you do that when you’re at your lowest and this person has yet to do that for you. But then you thanked people for all the “love, hugs and support”. Still you didn’t call. Still you didn’t write. Still. Nothing. Even after learning, again, that “love, hugs and support” can help, you continue to desert me. Why, what is so hard about you taking some step to reach out to me the way others have/had/are for you?

- Tomorrow is another session. I’m scared because she wants to really delve into the past, the moments that caused this. MP won’t be here for me after, no one will. I can’t breathe.

- I can literally feel myself breaking apart right now. Lump in my throat. Weight on my chest. Hard hitting heart beats. No focus. No direction. No feeling. I could give up today.

Misunderstood and Unknown

On Friday I met up with JL and KC, as well as KC’s other friends. Originally JL was going to come over but KC was sweetly pestering me (in a good way) to get out for at least an hour. So I asked JL if we could switch plans and she was okay with that. Met up with her at the pub and right away she wanted me to meet this old guy (you know the creepy kind who sit at the wood, are over 60, greasy, and just want to meet younger girls?). I really think she does not understand who am I right now. I barely have the energy to converse with my friends, and when I do I can’t hear myself in the words because it sounds fake and forced still. Let alone want to talk to some old fool who I don’t know.

Then this girl wants JL and I to do this song and dance we used to do all the time for her birthday. KC is egging me on so I agreed to do it. Felt really uncomfortable, for the first time, on stage and was immediately exhausted after from pretending to be so fucking happy. So I paid for me drinks, finished the last little bit and took off.

Meanwhile, during the rest of the time JL is texting and will barely talk to me. Albeit she may be able to sense that I don’t have much to say to her right now. She’s been so distant for the last few months that I find it increasingly difficult to be around her, talk/relate to her, etc. I wish she understood, and that I had the want to make her understand.

I think she still expects me to be a version of myself that I'm not anymore.

If she’d been around, bothered to call or stop by, she would have seen and noticed that. Maybe if I am mean to her, like stupid whore-monkey BB was, I would get some fucking attention or advice or words of kindness, a moment to sit and reflect. Whatever, more than the next to nothing I get now.

Whew, I sound mad. I am. Kind of. But more, I feel a loss over how our friendship used to be. Who I thought she was/would be. Who I was and am not anymore.

Side note: Have the time off for my trip in July! Woah, so excited about that!

Sealed. Trapped.

I have lost my voice. Well, maybe that’s not the right way to explain it. I am physically drained because of Tuesday night. Going to the game with clients took every ounce of pretending out of me. Now starting any movements, be it brushing my teeth, drinking water, typing, talking takes a lot of effort. Once I have started I better just keep going.

I want to say things but it feels as though my lips are sealed, my jaw won’t work and my words are trapped in me.

Could not even get out of bed for work this morning. I so wanted more time with MP but he had to go. I just wanted company, a warm arm, an embrace, anything but loneliness. He wanted me to say something, anything, even “bye” and I couldn’t get it out from my lips. Was not able to form my tongue into anything useful for talking. My lungs did not want to gather any energy for things other than breathing.

I can cry though.

Even now I am trying not to see anyone who would want to talk to me. All communication is hard.

Understand

People use the phrase "I understand" too liberally, too often and without actual understanding of the situation, feelings or thoughts. It would be difficult but tons more honest and acceptable if someone just said I don’t understand, but if you would like to explain I will listen.


MP's gone this weekend, again. Will I get used to this? When? Partly I'm jealous that he's always going away and it's never with me. I'd like to spend a weekend with him instead of a few hours here and there. Again I'm left behind to continue on my currently pathetic existence alone. Wondering if I'll get the energy to leave my house.


I don't feel free to live and be happy. Some minutes, here and there, I would like to make plans for the weekends but after I've started I give up on the desire to do anything.


Still not excited about the trip. I just need the damn thing in writing so I can actually plan it. Maybe it'll be therapeutic for me, reinstate the old me.

The Rescuer? The Hero? The Victim.

Last night, in my session, we talked a lot about MP. She thinks I am trying to be the “rescuer” with him, essentially saving him from myself. Actually I don’t want to discuss this. Not today.


I continually battle with myself about wanting to do things. Whether it be reaching out to others, staying in a relationship, leaving my house, or even attending a hockey game with work. Some I win and others I lose, those are the days when I give in to myself and the solitude I so hugely crave…even though it feeds my loneliness.


Still haven’t told my work that I have to leave once a week early. I just don’t know what to say or reveal. However, I supposedly have the time off of work to go on my trip. *sigh* How will I find the energy to plan the main parts of it?


I’m tired today and wish I didn’t have to go to the hockey game tonight, the last thing I want to do right now is try and converse with people I don’t know.


Apparently I’m on the right path and am doing a lot of good things. I disagree, I fail myself constantly and I have no patience for this. I am frustrated.


Once this starts to get better my dreams are supposed to cede from my sleeping state. Time will tell.

*Exhale*

I don't know where to start today. I have to somehow tell my boss that I am going to need to leave early once a week for a while. What questions will he ask, if any? Haven't even told him I am leaving early today.

I spent a lot of time with my family this weekend, they have an unknowing way of making me feel better for a while. Maybe it's the unconditional acceptance and love, or that they don't know so I don't have to talk about it or see them thinking about it.

MP's mom was in town and his sister lives here. He wanted me to go with him to spend time with them this weekend, I couldn't do it. Maybe it's because talking to people I do not know so well is trying to say the least. Staying engaged in conversations still proves difficult without the whole "disassocation" thing, and that happens so fast now I barely notice it.

Another session tonight. I am nervous because I do not know this woman or how far into my past she'll want to take me.

it ain't no use to sit and wonder why.

I am so desperate for comfort but cannot find it anywhere. I keep thinking how I could possibly tell my family. Mom, Dad, Sis, Bro...I have PTSD. Most days now I cannot find a reason to carry on.

MP lies in my bed. It's after 3:30 am, I should be there with him but I don't want to hear him sleeping when I'm so tortured. I'm laying on my ground, main floor, drinking wine instead. Listening to Vonda and wondering why I am who I am. WHY. Why do I have to have my past? Why can't I just be there person I was? Fun, confident, exciting. Normal. Someone ppl called to invite out. Called to be with. Now it's just...solitude.


All the time.