(100th Post) And So, My Friends, The Journey Begins

Well, it’s almost here. Tomorrow I leave for my trip to Europe. An entire month to focus on myself…wow! I’m excited to finally find out what I’ll discover, see, eat and drink, where I’ll go, who I’ll meet, and who I’ll become.

This is my last entry until the first week of August (unless I post one tomorrow). Even though I’m letting my online journal fall to the wayside for July, I plan on having my written with me at all times. I hope I document the journey and changes I’ll be undertaking in full detail, I have a feeling this is a big moment for me and don’t want to forget anything.

Until then, thanks again to all of you who continue to check in. Thanks for putting up with me, for listening and everything else wonderful that you’ve done.

xoxo

Me, Myself and I

Well that’s it. Group is over. The rest of this journey will be done without my girls. The ones who know, without explanation. You can say you feel stupid around them and they get why, where that comes from. Maybe I wasn't ready to let them go yet but the time is here.

When I was in with them last night it there was a storm outside; slashing rain, fierce winds. Group ended and I drove away from my support system. I looked back and there were two rainbows; where I was made them appear as though they came from that building. I know you can find your own meaning out of whatever, but I felt as though being at that spot in that moment was for me. As though this was confirmation that I was on the right path. I smiled and continued on my way home.

I begin a new chapter next week. One I will write by myself. There will be no one over there to comfort me when I feel as though I can’t take another step. No one to make my decisions for me. Just me, myself and I. This is truly the largest journey I have ever been on; will it change who I am? Who will I be when I get back? I’d like to be a pillar of strength. I’d like to verse an opinion without nerves. I’d like to be a better person, in every possible way. Maybe even softer and more trusting. I’d like to be a better friend. More devoted to good causes, to myself, to those I love, like and appreciate. I want to be unashamed for putting myself first; if I can’t be the best for me, who can I be for you?

Maybe my days of sorrow aren’t over yet, maybe they are. Either way I’d like to say goodbye to the girl he made me into and hello to the real me. I’ll get around to that at another time, once I feel like I did really let her go.

I guess the big question now is: Where will I go after Paris?

Such is Life

Mini mistake on the weekend, whoops. Next time I’ll, uh, stay in the cab…yes. Or just not get so pissed up! Lord, I still can’t recall what I told him. Well at least it’ll be the last time it happens for over a month, right. Hopefully I’ll straighten myself up in Europe and it just won’t happen again at all.

Tonight is my last group session. Wow. I don’t think I’m done with them but I’ll have to be. They threw the trainers on, now it’s my responsibility to take them off and make it on my own. I got most of what I was looking for out of group, just knowing I wasn’t alone. That someone else shared my plight and I knew who they were. Now I know many of them, now I remember I have less than 4000 weekends left. Everyday means something, is a chance to do, be and make something of yourself.

I am sure I’ll slip up in this thinking, c’est la vie. Such is life. Thankfully I’ve got more positive days than negative ones, essentially I am getting my life back. Ahh, it makes me feel pretty serene knowing this.

I’ll say farewell next Wednesday for a month! Holy crap, a whole month! When I get time to head to an internet café I’ll post pics, check ‘em out on Flickr. I still don’t know everywhere I’ll go to but it’s just a trip about me, so I don’t have to plan it until I feel like it. Yay!

Last group tonight. I can’t believe I did it (survived the last 8 months) but I did. Thanks for all your support along the way.

Much love.

Me Time

What an off day yesterday. Glad that one’s over. Windy nights = too little sleep = off behavior the next day. Wasn’t watching where I threw the bat after I hit the ball and, all Mafia like, almost took the catcher’s legs out…ha-ha. Whoops.

Two more weeks until I leave for my trip. My flight is booked, as are some hotels. I’m still up in arms over a couple destinations, hoping travel is down somewhat so I can get hotels/hostels on a whim at those places.

I guess I’m kind of nervous. I would not consider myself a naïve person, I’m aware of the dangers of a single traveling woman. I’ll pay attention and listen to my intuition. However…

I am getting hugely excited. Oh my gosh, think of the food! Yum. I’ll begin in France with essentially only wine, seafood, bread, cheese and butter to fill me. Take off to Spain where I’ll indulge in sangrias, paella and tapas. Next it’s a hop over to Italy for more wine, heaps of pasta, authentic pizza and bowlfuls of gelato! Lastly on to Greece, the land of souvlaki, dolmades, vegetables (finally…maybe), more seafood, wine and a few glasses of ouzo. Wow! Thankfully I’ll be doing a lot of swimming, tanning, walking, intermixed with some hiking, or I’d have to book two seats to get back.

Only a few minor items to buy, will get them tonight and pretend pack to figure out the weight of my bag. Only allowed 20 kilos, however shall I keep it down to 20 kilos for my whole trip? Think I’ll have to get a lighter bag.

Two weeks. Two more blessed weeks until I am out of here. Ahhhhh, two weeks. Not 10 years anymore. This is my time, Me Time.

I breathed. I cleaned. I did it...alone

The worst, the moment which broke me in group, the moment when I struggled to believe it could be true, the incident which led to you sitting outside of my shower while I cried and pleaded with myself to just breathe, happened again last night. I couldn’t be them. I believe in my own strength but the amounts these women have astounds me. I would have hunted him down and done bad, bad things if I were in their situation. Horrendous, unspeakable things. I’m sure of it. There’s no way he could hurt one of mine like that, no way I would trust the system to inflict the proper amount of justice.

I did breathe, though. I did make it home to clean the fridge. I did not cry because the tears which have amounted in me are too much for an alone cry. I would like to ball your shirt in my fists, lay my forehead upon your chest, and cry with all the might and passion I am able to muster. Cry for myself, the parts of myself I lost, the things and people I have lost this year and the years before, cry for my family and friends for their own woes they face, cry for the other women in my group and their families, cry for the women of the world who are in this every day, cry for the children who are byproducts of these relationships, cry for the damage it’s done to them and is doing to them, cry for the anger I have to the men (and women) who can’t be stopped, cry because we have all lost something sometime and it is simply unjust. Unjust and unfair. I would also like to cry for the months and years I have wasted on F.G. Cry for what I’ve been through and the successes I made.

I know “life isn’t fair” but sometimes it is just downright cruelly so.

Just breathe.

I am done shopping for my trip, just have to book things now. Like my flights…yah, I may have left that a bit too late. Whoopsies! Ah well. 3 weeks. OH MY GOD, 3 weeks until I can run to (because I am running to now and not away) somewhere and something more than here. OMG, 3 weeks until I have my break, the one I have been waiting and waiting for. I am not yet excited for the trip itself, still seems unreal, but excited for the time, the moments, the experiences, the discovering. 3 more weeks.

I can. I will.

I accept that I’ll still have bad days, hours or moments, but I do just want them to go away. It’s hard when the loneliness returns or the thoughts of never fully recovering from this become fierce.

Franco, you fucking son of a bitch, I will not be taking you to Europe with me. You do not belong in my thoughts and memories over there. This is my time. My moment to find out what I really like and want from myself, others and life in general. So fuck off and leave me be. I hope to only see you again in the obits - and soon at that if you could.

People confide things in me before they do to others. Sometimes it’s simply a slipup and they didn’t mean to, however I’m usually the one. Probably it is because I had the strength for this, but right now I don’t. I only got part of the story and I would like to know the whole thing so I can silence the negative thoughts over this, put my worries aside and help you. Both to understand what this is, and to make a plan as to what we’ll do to get rid of it. You’re my ___ and I want you healthy. There will be no illnesses here, not in my _____. When I get back I will do what I can for you, even if that means I have to hit the gym daily. Just not at 5:00 am.

I would like my life to be calm for ½ a year. Not in the positive things - throw all the parties, dinner plans, daring activities, and other craziness my way - but in the negative things. Take away all of it, all of the drama, the hurt, the pain of whatever and give me some peace. Maybe my one month away will be enough of a break so I can have just one thing to deal with, myself. I will create all the positivity I can for me in July. I will spend every last dime on myself if my heart so desires. Should I feel whole again at the end I will buy myself something that’ll last forever, something that says (to me) strength and perseverance. Hope and unity. Love and wholeness. Confidence and clarity. Something that reminds me that no matter what I go through I will make it out in the end, not just as myself but an improved version of myself.

I can do this. I can let him go. I can. I will.

Time = Healing Wounds

If I was a cat I would hiss at others sometimes. I consider myself a protector of those who matter to me. I would’ve had my claws out this weekend but I’ll let him have one more chance. If he’s cruel to her once more I will step in and put a stop to it. She deserves better. What an ass.

I feel more like me today, noticeably so. I don’t know what it is but I’ve finally opened the doors to positivity again. Before I was just letting it slip past the cracks others created for me, now I did it. Makes me smile.

I like my hair. Okay, a random thing to say but I do. I didn’t like much about myself for so long that today I’ll say I like my hair.

Just a mere 3.5 weeks left to a trip that I’ve been planning for a decade. Holy shat! Finally getting excited but it still seems like it’s not really happening. I guess I should buys shoes, a backpack and something else. I desire to do this trip in style.

Ooh, my birthday celebrations are early this year. Dinner with friends and family…two different dinners of course (as is totally how I do it). Something a bit more low key, just a chance to bring my people together and strengthen my bonds with them. Fun.

I know you read this and you’d probably rather I say this to you but this is still my forum, my place to write it down. See how it feels and reads back to me. My place to pick apart my own thoughts and find the reality of my feelings.

When I talk to you still I get the impression it’s hard for you, that’s okay. You don’t have to talk to me often if you can’t do it because when you seem disinterested or distracted on the phone it hurts a little. Kind of like what I’m saying isn't intersting…maybe I’m not explaining that right. I like talking to you, really. I want to stay in touch but I don’t want to hurt you. Some days I feel like my being happy on the phone and showing excitement for whatever it is I’ve been doing is just causing you (hmmm, what’s the word I’m looking for…) to wonder why I was never like that with you. Whatever, I’m sure you know what I mean. I really like having you in my life and I don’t want you to go anywhere, but I also want you to be happy. I don't know what to do to enable this for you.

One-on-one last week was great for me. She made me feel like all of my decisions lately have been the best for me at this time. Maybe not the greatest for others, but I’ve got too much repair to do to try and keep everyone happy. I’m okay with that for now. When I’m back to me maybe people can forgive me for the errors I’ve made in the past while. Should they not be able to I’ll be okay with that as well. Time heals all wounds. Time has done me a great justice, I’m finally happy to have more of it.

Mmm. Cookies.

I think last night was the first time in many nights I feel asleep without crying. I did stay up until 1, keeping my mind occupied by reading. And I still haven’t slept through a night but at least I didn’t cry.

Tried to keep calm when driving in to work this morning, but then some jerkface cut me off when I was doing 70 and him 30. WTF, how can I not get mad when someone drives like a complete douche? Can’t help it. I flipped him the bird, he waved and I felt heaps better.

Broke my necklace when I got into the office, dunno how. Let’s just say this Monday did not start off so smooth. So I ate a cookie for breakfast. Love my baking coworkers who desire to fatten us up!

Going back to one-on-one tonight. Need to get the neutral advice, say it all out loud, put perspective on things and talk about my concerns…mostly regarding my self-preservation when traveling. How do I learn to care about myself again before I take off? I can make mistakes at home, but abroad would just be abundantly reckless.

I still feel like I’m living someone else’s life. Is what I’m doing meant for me? It’s as though I’ve misplaced something and as much as I search I cannot find it. There’s got to be something more. I feel like one of those “You’re doing it wrong” emails. I’m not looking for the meaning of life here, I just want to feel like I’m contributing something. Not just waking up, going to work at a regular ol’ company, keeping the house nice, the yard presentable, friends and family satisfied, etc. I want passion for something, I want to do it right. I want to leave an imprint, begin a change.

Maybe Europe will tell me. I’ll just have to listen…and keep calm.

Fine, I Admit It

Okay, so fine I have good days. But I can't stop crying. I wanted to drive my car into the concrete barrier on my way home. But I could only think that my dog had to pee.

I'm so tired of feeling the loss. I don't want to do this alone. Everyone has someone and I let my someone go because I couldn't be his someone. Gawd, just take me somewhere, anywhere I can find my breath and my heart, my soul. Somewhere where I don't want someone to kill me because...please. I just want someone to care. I can't do this tonight. I can't go to bed alone...I know he's waiting for me in my dreams because I've seen him all week. Please. I'm all alone, with no one to hold my hand. No heartbeat, no chest to lay my head upon.

Please. Not tonight. I wish you were here. I can't do this.

At this moment I just want to give up. Never wake. I wish I didn't tell anyone because maybe I'd still have everyone.

I hate you! I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you. I hate me. I hate me. For tonight...I give up on me. If I wasn't so tired I'd stay awake, drinking until the wee hours, until the sun rose, until tomorrow came. Until someone but me was here. Until I could crawl into your arms; why do I have no arms?

Why?

All About Me

He let me go with the acceptance that I still must have him around; he knows the most intimate and truthful details of the recent. He’s recognized that I require my space to grow and discover while needing the same someone to tell the ugly truth to. How does he do it? I admire his personal strength and his faith in me. I am thankful.

I painted my nails hot pink, I haven’t worn a bright nail color in at least 10 years. I left my house without mascara on, an extremely rare occurrence and yet I still felt like me. I wear skinny jeans now, and am able to embrace my hips and behind. I smiled at myself in the mirror while thinking there’s a way over this. I finally feel like I am beginning to fit back together. I still have a long way to go but instead of saying it, I feel it.

I called you to go out, instead of you calling me. I accepted a lunch invitation. I want to go canoeing, see how we work as a team. I am ready to get things together for my trip. I want to go to a friends’ house and hang out instead of insisting they come to mine. I’m learning to calm down when I drive - it’s the journey, not the speed (although the speed is still fun).

I am ready to do what I want and allow myself to think if it is REALLY what I want. I am remembering that there is one life to live, one life to love. There has to be more good than bad in my future. I am at a place where I will allow it to happen one moment at a time.

I like my pink lipstick and my smile. I like how my face and my soul feel when I smile. I also like the feeling of tears coming from the heart; only because I can feel it now and not think it’s the middle of the pain.

Cooking has become a small pleasure, I enjoy creating things for myself and being successful at a dish.

Mostly, this path of self-discovery has become a positive one. It’s about me, I’m okay with that. I am okay that I need these months or a full year of selfishness; to grieve over the loss of part of myself and to find the new me.

I love pink, pearls, diamonds, French décor, home cooked meals, getting pissed with girlfriends (even if we get in trouble or drunken arguments (haha)), my family, my friends, my dog, most dogs, only a couple of cats, the feeling of giving back, being counted on, being great at something, my independency, adventure, traveling, a great book, finishing a book, basking in the sun as it streams through the window, hotel rooms, team sports, doing my makeup, a perfect outfit, love, new beginnings, memorable endings, salt and vinegar chips with a slice of cheese, laughing, a good cry, hot showers, rainy days with nowhere to be, holding hands, a solid hug, especially when my head lies right on his shoulder or up against his chest, the sound of a heartbeat, the smell of freshly cut grass or someone doing laundry, a clean home, game nights, seeing the mess after a great party and knowing how it got like that, cartwheels, high heels, sushi, sunny days, being outside, smiling.

I love so many more things than I hate. Therefore I love.

The Breakup

MP and I talked last night, I broke up with him. From talking with him I realized, and he didn’t say much, that everything which began to frustrate me about him was my own doing. I wanted him to have confidence but I took that from him. I wanted him to quit asking for hugs and kisses but when, ever, in the last few months have I just given them to him. I want him to be happy but how can you be happy when you’re constantly around someone like me.

I realized, shit I’m going to cry, that I ♥ him and could have fallen in love with him. I immensely care about him. So much. I didn’t stop liking him but, instead, I began to dislike myself for what I was doing to him. I always wanted him to leave me because I could see it happening, I told him a lot which probably made him feel less secure in this relationship. I knew that I made him feel unwanted and disliked by my crying and ability to pull away. I warned him at the beginning that we may not make it past the six month mark because of my history…guess what the 8th of June would’ve been. Missed six months by two weeks. Again. Again my past won.

I need him to be happy so I can stop feeling guilty about taking that away from him. I feel like I’m doing to him what Franco did to me. I never made him feel like a better person, like a wanted person or a happier for being with me person. But I wouldn’t have made it, I know this, through the last almost six months without him. He never gave up on me and always encouraged me, even when I gave up on myself. Because I did, for a really long time. Months. But he was still there.

He said he did so much for me, like make me coffee, pick me up from the bar, etc. I told him that he could’ve done that a 100 times over but none of it would have compared to the night he sat outside the shower while I cried because of the things I heard in group, the things I confessed and the things I remembered.

I need him to be happy. Be confident. Be whole. If he were to stay with me until I fix myself I only would’ve ruined him more.

I’m an asshole. I fucking ♥ him.

No Room For Doubt

Single or not. Single or not. I don’t know where to start. Try not to judge me based on this entry.

I miss the single life. Not having to worry about how your actions are affecting another person. Feeling content with sleeping alone. One less person who has the ability to cause you hurt and disappointment.

I took him back and I feel…not the greatest about that decision. I haven’t forgiven him for walking out. I’m worried because he walked out so easily that I don’t know when it’ll happen again because, let’s face it, if it’s that simple it’ll probably happen again. I feel as though he’s put less effort in since I took him back and now I’m questioning my position in this relationship.

What am I waiting for that will let me know which step to take with him next? Essentially it has to be a step forward because I’ve already got one foot out. Do I accept being content and not wildly happy with my man?

The song I can’t shake out of my head, and which causes me to reflect on my “now”, is by Lace - I Want a Man.

Singledom doesn’t scare me. In fact I embrace it. If and when the man who I can’t live without comes along I’ll happily take on life with him.

I know what to do, I just don’t want to and you can’t make me until I’m ready.

Clouds Are No Match for a Fire

I’ll let you back once. Last time I ended it again two days later. I find it almost embarrassing to accept someone back. I don’t know if that’s weird or normal, but it’s how I feel.

Sometimes I don’t think we can have normal conversations. I want to have conversations with you, about whatever. I’m just getting tired of the negative. Now I am worried and threatened by you. You walked out so easily last time that I doubt your intentions and feelings. You say you want a future with me, sometimes I think you just want a future with what I represent or represented. A house, a backyard and a car. A good job. Great family and friends. Independent. (I can’t recall what any more of my good qualities were.)

I don’t think you want a future with me. My reality. My person. I am not only independent, but fiercely so. I’ll only ask for help with fixing something because I know it’ll make you feel good about yourself; needed. I like my alone time. I am turning into a liberal feminist. I want positivity in my life, like I used to have and be. I don’t support racism, sexism or any other “ism”. I don’t like complainers or people who have a constant need to put others down…even people on t.v. It’s tiring to be around. And annoying. Be concerned with yourself and not others. Unless they’re wearing really bad pants or shoes.

I require more of a balance. Between you, my friends and my family. In no particular order. I enjoy sleeping alone equally as much as I enjoy sleeping with you. I like a glass of wine at night. I love walking when I’m drunk…enjoy the adventure of it.

Speaking of adventures: I love a good adventure. Doing something new. Even something out of character. If I could afford more, bet your ass I would do more. Like fencing, skydiving, bungee-jumping. Random road trips. Crazy/weird invitation acceptions.

When I’m wealthier I will entertain my friends in fun and/or strange ways.

As I make more of an effort to go out, and after you initially left me, I can see more of me peeking through all of the clouds I’ve been living under. Just you wait until I’m back. Watch out because I promise to rarely be at home or a home…unless it’s outside with a fire pit.

Failed. Again.

MOG, I am so tired of taking one step forward and two back. I can’t believe it didn’t work out again. Again. More nights alone. No guaranteed embraces at the end of a trying day. No one to protect me from the dreams. No one to confess how hard it was to. No one who understands. Now I have to go at it alone again. Figure out how to console myself when I just feel broken and terrified. I don’t want to do this anymore.

But at least now I can run away, should the opportunity arise, and not think about hurting someone else. I can pack up and go. I can stay away. I can grow into myself knowing it is myself and not someone else. I can refocus. I should lean on my strength, learn how to covet that first. Maybe I was just using people too much, using their kindness until they got too close. This is what I deserve.

I’m not afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of always feeling the hurt and misery of the past.

Next time I do not want to bring this cruelty of FG into the next relationship.

I shouldn’t have done this now. Not to anyone. I really need the comfort, but I can’t stop thinking of FG and relating him to every guy. I need to let FG go, I need to move on. I need something new for myself, and not a person.

What do I do now? How do I get through this evening after group, knowing the emptiness I’ll feel, the memories that may surface, the fear of sleeping tonight, the pain that’ll come after, the hurt for the other women. Who’s arms will I cry into?

I need to cry, I shouldn’t be at work.

The Time is Wrong

I know that in my relationships, both past and present, there is consistency and not the good kind. You say I’ll end up lonely, I reply with that’s not a fear of mine. Well, not yet and not for a while. My fears are much different than yours. I prefer “loneliness” to pain.

I’m sure someday I’ll want a family and all that kind of shit, but right now I just want to make it through the days and focus on restoring myself.

I do not think of a future, I think of the present. Why do I have to see the future, who’s in it or what I’ll be doing? I’m not a psychic.

I do not need a void filled, I only seek friendship and maybe one who I’m lucky enough to “fall in love” with. I want a companion, someone to share laughs and life with. Someone who will complement me and agrees that being negative isn’t worth the effort (a quality and thought I used to have and am fighting to get back).

I do not want to have serious conversations in bed, that is not the place for them. My bed is where I relax and try to let go of my day and thoughts.

I feel as though I have this all wrong. Am doing it wrong. The time is wrong.

You all want feelings, when right now I am protecting myself by not feeling.

"Will I Live?"

It started off big. There was no undercutting of my confidence or my person before. Six months of a regular relationship; dating, flirting and generally getting to know one another. Then the momentous moment which forever changed who I am. A knife to my throat and a moment of wondering “Will I live?”. “Will I live through tonight?”

Those were my admissions last night in group.

They asked what I did in the moment (1). They asked how I excused his behavior the next day (2). Here are my answers to both:

(1) I hid. I hid in the washroom. I hid within myself. I curled into a naked ball against a couch. I hoped. I hoped I would make it. I hoped it would end. I ran. I ran upstairs and not out. I ran away from him. I ran into the arms of his friend when someone finally came home. I hid. I hid in his friends room, in his friends clothes for the rest of the evening. Until sunlight rose, I hid.

(2) I do not remember excusing his behavior. I recall him apologizing and looking chastised for days. I believe now that I mentally and emotionally got through it by being in shock and staying in shock for 7 years. By not remembering and choosing to let it go. Could the trauma of someone you “love” having the power to kill you be too much for a girl at my age then? So much that you just let it go and carry on?

More and more comes back. I did not remember until last night thinking, during that moment, of whether or not I would live. Seeing it written down was shameful, I blushed when I said it because I was embarrassed. I looked at it once during group and never again for the rest of the evening. I could not.

I now need someone to come back with a story similar to mine. I need one of them to admit they wondered if they’d live. I crave it. In a weird way I feel it would complete me, though it probably would not. There’s an emptiness in my soul that I somehow need to fill. I just haven’t found with what yet.

I think that’s all you need to know for now. I think that’s all I can write without disappearing for today.

Reclaim the Lost

Last weekend started off with feeling like I no longer belonged to something I loved. Still love I guess. The rest of the weekend I fought to make my place again, I don’t think I 100% found it but I started to look at least. I, for once, knew what I was doing and even though the friendships/relationships have fallen to the wayside I’d got the conversations started again.

I worked myself to exhaustion. I hurt all over. I had a sense of accomplishment.

Now we’re back to Wednesday and MP asked me this morning if I thought the group was good for me because it has left me ragged after. I don’t know yet. It’s hard, it hurts and it’s scary. I dread Wednesdays more than Mondays. Wednesdays make me tired and nervous. Being in that room with the others takes me back to a place I’d rather never go again physically; which isn’t to say it’s less callous on my psyche.

I was watching Biggest Loser last night. This girl hugged her dad and I wept for a friend. KS, there is nothing anyone can do to bring your dad back but you know he will never really leave you. Every word, shared moment and memory are for you and him now. When you need to hug him just take a bit to remember anything about him until the corner(s) of your lips turn upward instead of down. I wish you a healed heart. xoxo

I want to wake up on Sunday

Hard. It’s so fucking hard to hear other people’s stories. It’s hard to believe I belong in the same room as them. It’s hard to toss out the shame and embarrassment even though I don’t think they should feel it.

It’s so fucking hard to hear my own voice over his. Mine is a whisper compared to his roar which demands to remind me that I’m a worthless-unlovable-whore.

It isn’t easy by any means. They look at me, quickly and surprised, when I talk. Which, for those who knew me before, it wasn’t shocking when I talked…I loved talking. He writes down what I say, like it means something, or he hasn’t heard it before/in a while. I am angry for the other women. I want to take them all in, let them and their little ones stay with me. House them and protect them all from the bad, as I have done for myself for so many years.

I still can only admit to them what happened, in a much more delicate way than I would tell most of you. I feel as though they relate to me and yet I am having a hard time accepting the ONE thing I wanted for so long. I want to heal them, why can’t I find the want to do the same for myself?

The image that stuck in my mind last night was his red cheek and my hand. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. Disbelief that I hit back. Knowing I had to get out before I became an abuser, instead of just the ****ee.

I cried until the water ran cold. I shut off my alarm. I want an endless supply of warm water and tears. A glass of wine and an embrace. I want to let go of today, tomorrow. And the day after. I want to wake up on Sunday.

Losing My Self-Identity

Group again tonight. What it did to me the last time…not looking forward to that. The dreams haven’t stopped, he pops into them whenever. Fuck his face.

As I was reflecting on the things I have done over the past week I am not too sure if I am proud impressed with myself for doing things that I normally would have anyways. Forced myself to do so many things, but didn’t find any excitement in the usual. I went to my first ball games, double-header on Monday, made the usual funny comments they all expected of me but I was dying to go home. I stuck it out though, didn’t play my best but ah well. I am still taken aback by how uncomfortable I can be around those I’ve known for years and years.

This week is the big volunteering week. The one I am normally so into; the one I have spent months ramping up for…not this year. Imagine all those fucking people, thousands of them. Once you get thrown in that red committee shirt there is no hiding, oh god that is scary. For over 23 hours in 2 days I will have to suppress everything, put a smile on my face and be “on” the whole time. For co-committee members, co-volunteers, attendees, VIPs, friends, adults, children, baaah.

This year I wish I could be sad that I couldn’t invest more time into this event but I’m just not feeling it…or much of anything these days. I’ve passed on all the committee meetings, backed out of all my responsibilities so far, I really don’t want to lose this one though. Passed on my stuff that I’m supposed to do for it tonight (because of the group) to a friend and I’m jealous it’s not me there. And the retarded, insecure part is afraid she’ll outshine/outdo/out-everything me and take my place next year. Will they like her more than me? Think she’s more dedicated? Kinder? More caring? Everything I’m not? I mean, what am I right now? I feel like a lying piece of shit. Fake. Scared. Incapable. Stupid. Dumbass. Bitch. FUCK YOU Franco. How do I take my power and self back from you?

What do I have right now that I can call mine and enjoy? Not much of anything. Whatever.

This group thing depresses me. I don’t want to do this. I could cry now. Go home, hide in bed and cry.

Lessons Learned - Fuck That

Do you ever feel like you can't get a fucking thing right? No breaks are offered to you. You make one little mistake that ends up costing you much, much, much more? Lessons learned and all that shit won't save me a few thousand dollars now; won't take back the memories; won't reimburse me with my old self.

Fuck you Lessons Learned. Who the fuck needs to learn a lesson by yourself when someone could've just told you or warned you? Don't sign a contract until you have all the material, information, etc. covered 100% percent. Until it's all in front of you. Don't stay in a relationship with someone who breaks you apart piece by piece without you noticing - find your "red flag" words or situtations and stick to them.

How do you not relate your past to your present? Fuck me it's hard.

I can barely, barely, almost not, function today without crying. If I even think just a little about everything that's going on, needs to be done or fixed I may just fucking lose it. I couldn't give a shit about my plans this weekend, if I feel like doing it when it approaches I will. But probably not, there is just too much going on for me to process at the moment. I can't handle this, I cannot do it. I can't.

i HATE the world today

Talking to JL on Sunday. I don’t really feel like formally talking, not too sure what I want/have to say. Part of me questions whether or not she should even know what’s going on, it isn’t like she has shown an interest in being around. Plus, when I tell her I feel abandoned/left out by her she proceeds to tell me she has to meet early on Sunday because she has dinner plans with another friend. HOLY FUCK, are you not LISTENING. It’s kind of like she’s rubbing it in. Kind of like she’s saying this:

“Hey (insert my name), you’re not important enough to me to include in anything, or to talk to unless you get upset with me. I would much rather ignore what you are actually saying and just make you feel like shit. I will never listen to a fucking word that comes out of your mouth because it isn’t important and doesn’t matter. I only want to get drunk with you so you so shut the fuck up and call me when you’re better and want to party.”

MP said I was selfish last night because I’m not one to give shoulder rubs, or give foot massages, and get all touchy-feely like that. I have never been one to do this. You know when girls in elementary school would want you to play with their hair while you sat in assembly or something…I couldn’t be bothered. It never interested me to have mine played with or to touch someone else’s. I was never the hairdresser or doctor while playing make-believe. I think all that touching is too unnecessary. If I really need someone to rub my head, shoulders, back or feet I’ll friggin’ pay a professional to do it. It’s not selfish, just not a part of who I am. It’s not like I miraculously changed into this person who wasn’t interested in this. I never have been. I don’t need to be touched and coddled all the time, therefore I’m not interested in doing it too much for someone else.

Is it totally fucking twisted that I don’t even like when someone asks me for a hug or kiss. If you want to hug or kiss me just do it, don’t ask. Do it.
Ah fuck it. I’m in a bad mood. I hate the world today. The world. Don’t tell me I’m selfish. Don’t all of the sudden want to talk but ignore what I say. FUCK.

Ne Me Quitte Pas

Here’s a whole bunch of shit just running through my head today:

- Another day, more plans made that I really don’t know if I can carry through with.

- I do not relate you to him, I do not think you are him. But when you act out, albeit by throwing something or just getting upset, it scares me. Worries me. Makes me nervous. I do not want to tell you for worry of making you feel guilty about being human. Sometimes I want to ask, so much, if you have ever hit a woman. From the type of man you are, and have proven yourself to be, I am confident the answer would be no. But still. I am scared. That someday instead of throwing it at the ground, you’ll throw it at me. You’ll raise a fist, a hand, or a knife to me.

- Your FB update showed up on my home page. It said you were having a bad day: “fml”. I could not reach out or even bother to question why; how do you do that when you’re at your lowest and this person has yet to do that for you. But then you thanked people for all the “love, hugs and support”. Still you didn’t call. Still you didn’t write. Still. Nothing. Even after learning, again, that “love, hugs and support” can help, you continue to desert me. Why, what is so hard about you taking some step to reach out to me the way others have/had/are for you?

- Tomorrow is another session. I’m scared because she wants to really delve into the past, the moments that caused this. MP won’t be here for me after, no one will. I can’t breathe.

- I can literally feel myself breaking apart right now. Lump in my throat. Weight on my chest. Hard hitting heart beats. No focus. No direction. No feeling. I could give up today.

Misunderstood and Unknown

On Friday I met up with JL and KC, as well as KC’s other friends. Originally JL was going to come over but KC was sweetly pestering me (in a good way) to get out for at least an hour. So I asked JL if we could switch plans and she was okay with that. Met up with her at the pub and right away she wanted me to meet this old guy (you know the creepy kind who sit at the wood, are over 60, greasy, and just want to meet younger girls?). I really think she does not understand who am I right now. I barely have the energy to converse with my friends, and when I do I can’t hear myself in the words because it sounds fake and forced still. Let alone want to talk to some old fool who I don’t know.

Then this girl wants JL and I to do this song and dance we used to do all the time for her birthday. KC is egging me on so I agreed to do it. Felt really uncomfortable, for the first time, on stage and was immediately exhausted after from pretending to be so fucking happy. So I paid for me drinks, finished the last little bit and took off.

Meanwhile, during the rest of the time JL is texting and will barely talk to me. Albeit she may be able to sense that I don’t have much to say to her right now. She’s been so distant for the last few months that I find it increasingly difficult to be around her, talk/relate to her, etc. I wish she understood, and that I had the want to make her understand.

I think she still expects me to be a version of myself that I'm not anymore.

If she’d been around, bothered to call or stop by, she would have seen and noticed that. Maybe if I am mean to her, like stupid whore-monkey BB was, I would get some fucking attention or advice or words of kindness, a moment to sit and reflect. Whatever, more than the next to nothing I get now.

Whew, I sound mad. I am. Kind of. But more, I feel a loss over how our friendship used to be. Who I thought she was/would be. Who I was and am not anymore.

Side note: Have the time off for my trip in July! Woah, so excited about that!

Sealed. Trapped.

I have lost my voice. Well, maybe that’s not the right way to explain it. I am physically drained because of Tuesday night. Going to the game with clients took every ounce of pretending out of me. Now starting any movements, be it brushing my teeth, drinking water, typing, talking takes a lot of effort. Once I have started I better just keep going.

I want to say things but it feels as though my lips are sealed, my jaw won’t work and my words are trapped in me.

Could not even get out of bed for work this morning. I so wanted more time with MP but he had to go. I just wanted company, a warm arm, an embrace, anything but loneliness. He wanted me to say something, anything, even “bye” and I couldn’t get it out from my lips. Was not able to form my tongue into anything useful for talking. My lungs did not want to gather any energy for things other than breathing.

I can cry though.

Even now I am trying not to see anyone who would want to talk to me. All communication is hard.

Understand

People use the phrase "I understand" too liberally, too often and without actual understanding of the situation, feelings or thoughts. It would be difficult but tons more honest and acceptable if someone just said I don’t understand, but if you would like to explain I will listen.


MP's gone this weekend, again. Will I get used to this? When? Partly I'm jealous that he's always going away and it's never with me. I'd like to spend a weekend with him instead of a few hours here and there. Again I'm left behind to continue on my currently pathetic existence alone. Wondering if I'll get the energy to leave my house.


I don't feel free to live and be happy. Some minutes, here and there, I would like to make plans for the weekends but after I've started I give up on the desire to do anything.


Still not excited about the trip. I just need the damn thing in writing so I can actually plan it. Maybe it'll be therapeutic for me, reinstate the old me.

The Rescuer? The Hero? The Victim.

Last night, in my session, we talked a lot about MP. She thinks I am trying to be the “rescuer” with him, essentially saving him from myself. Actually I don’t want to discuss this. Not today.


I continually battle with myself about wanting to do things. Whether it be reaching out to others, staying in a relationship, leaving my house, or even attending a hockey game with work. Some I win and others I lose, those are the days when I give in to myself and the solitude I so hugely crave…even though it feeds my loneliness.


Still haven’t told my work that I have to leave once a week early. I just don’t know what to say or reveal. However, I supposedly have the time off of work to go on my trip. *sigh* How will I find the energy to plan the main parts of it?


I’m tired today and wish I didn’t have to go to the hockey game tonight, the last thing I want to do right now is try and converse with people I don’t know.


Apparently I’m on the right path and am doing a lot of good things. I disagree, I fail myself constantly and I have no patience for this. I am frustrated.


Once this starts to get better my dreams are supposed to cede from my sleeping state. Time will tell.

*Exhale*

I don't know where to start today. I have to somehow tell my boss that I am going to need to leave early once a week for a while. What questions will he ask, if any? Haven't even told him I am leaving early today.

I spent a lot of time with my family this weekend, they have an unknowing way of making me feel better for a while. Maybe it's the unconditional acceptance and love, or that they don't know so I don't have to talk about it or see them thinking about it.

MP's mom was in town and his sister lives here. He wanted me to go with him to spend time with them this weekend, I couldn't do it. Maybe it's because talking to people I do not know so well is trying to say the least. Staying engaged in conversations still proves difficult without the whole "disassocation" thing, and that happens so fast now I barely notice it.

Another session tonight. I am nervous because I do not know this woman or how far into my past she'll want to take me.

it ain't no use to sit and wonder why.

I am so desperate for comfort but cannot find it anywhere. I keep thinking how I could possibly tell my family. Mom, Dad, Sis, Bro...I have PTSD. Most days now I cannot find a reason to carry on.

MP lies in my bed. It's after 3:30 am, I should be there with him but I don't want to hear him sleeping when I'm so tortured. I'm laying on my ground, main floor, drinking wine instead. Listening to Vonda and wondering why I am who I am. WHY. Why do I have to have my past? Why can't I just be there person I was? Fun, confident, exciting. Normal. Someone ppl called to invite out. Called to be with. Now it's just...solitude.


All the time.

Made It

Whew, did I cook up a storm last night. I wouldn't say it was theraputic, so much as it forced me to focus on something other than my thoughts. What a relief. I am tired of sitting and thinking.

Once I stopped it was like I couldn't feel anymore. Nothing. I couldn't even laugh or sympathize. Nor could I sleep. I kept dreaming that someone was pestering me with questions.

It is Tuesday today, I made it. Is this the beginning of the end? I guess I'll find out later.

Falling (or Fallen?) Apart

Most days I just wish someone would be there for me. This weekend I had no one. Just myself and my sorrow.

I saw my family last night but they were all wrapped up in too serious of a conversation to bother jumping into it. So I ate dinner, cleaned up after everyone and left. I wanted someone to ask how I was doing instead of what was new.

MP said he would be home all weekend. He was not. Out of town on Friday, I did not see him until late on Saturday…which the rational and normal part of me would be okay with because he had family in town too. But the selfish, down-in-the-dumps part just really wanted him to be with me. So I got up Saturday and decided I would try drinking all day, see if it would make me feel better (I just needed to know). It did not; I would say I will not do it again but I may…who knows, who cares. By the time he got to my house I was a few beers, wines, vodkas and pina coladas into my day/evening all ready. Even though I was not drunk until late that night I spent my day and evening crying, playing video games, watching movies, whatever. See what took the pain away the best…video games btw. Wondering why there were so many broken promises made (phone calls never received, plans never followed through with) when those people know what I am going through. Wondering where I can escape to next, where can I move to and be alone with new surroundings.

MP asked me if I even wanted him to come over. I hid my face in my hands and let the tears flow until he put his arms around me. I was, and always am, so desperate for a hug I cannot even being to explain the relief of finally having someone there to give it to me…especially after over 24 hours of seclusion.

He left really early the next morning, about 7. Alone again Sunday except for the family dinner. Slept alone too. Currently deciding if I want to be alone tonight.

Maybe I am poison to others right now. Too difficult and taxing to be around. Is it cruel of me to ask for company when I am so terrible at keeping it? Maybe.

I think MP should leave me. Not only do I now hate what is happening to me, what I am doing to myself, but I feel guilty for bringing someone along for the ride. I would like him back after I have dealt with this and got through it.

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. I will make it to Tuesday. Probably not without falling apart some more but I will make it.

I am screwing this up with MP. I know I barely show him I want to be in this and have made him to feel like a comfort to me only. I guess I just do not know how to give emotionally when I can barely muster the energy to live my life. The will to leave my house and carry on. The strength to get my job done. And how could I possibly want to be intimate when I feel like a fucking whale. Superbly ugly. Like a failure and a total loser. Angry, ashamed, completely and terribly heartbroken.

Getting into any type of relationship as I am going through this now seems extraordinarily selfish and I feel guilty. He keeps telling me that he wants to be with me but I do not know what I expect from him right now, or what I can give. I want someone to be there for me. To understand everything, all of it. To listen and support, yet provide me with space when I need it most. To hug me when all I can visualize is ways to end this and the cause of it. To stay awake with me until I am sure my sleep will not be haunted by memories…at least for a couple hours as I cannot make it through the night.

What can I give? Nothing right now. Nothing. I should not be doing this. If I cannot be happy why am I stopping someone else from being just that?

What do I do? What DO I do?

I want him around and do not want to give up on the possibilities but the timing is all off. I wish someone would just tell me what to do. Tell me if I am doing this wrong or what the right way to carry on is.

I don’t know how to explain this anymore. Who to count on or turn to. Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. I don’t know how to continue on with the fake happiness without getting extremely tired by 8 pm. I don’t know how to close my eyes without seeing him. Or how to not visualize horrible things. Not wish on hurt and pain for myself.

The end of this has to be near. It has to.

Why is he with me? Who would want to be with this girl, with these thoughts?

Turn It Off

They called me and my appointment is Tuesday. Only four nights of forced happiness to get through. One night of not having to pretend. Of those four nights I plan to stay out no longer than required. I have not given a response to either of my ball teams as to whether or not I will participate this summer. I am not feeling enthused about the two charitable committees I’m sitting on; one I do not even go to the meetings, the other I must because it is at work.

I could use some sleep again, an entire unbroken evening of it. I would also like to feel like being alive again. I sometimes reminisce on the days I used to go out with friends because I would rather be with them, having fun, than at home. This has obviously changed.

I think others are judging me, for a plentitude of things. Sometimes I get it, I understand why people hide the dirty things about them. Even if others think there is something going on, if they cannot see it, for the most part, they will not ask about it. Better to avoid, right? Who wants to know the truth, the uncomfortable truth.

If I come out of this, I do not think I will be afraid to ask the more blunt questions. Better to temporarily piss someone off than to make the feel…forgotten.

My phone rang a couple times last night and my hopes soared that it was someone calling to see how I was doing. Instead it was a friend who’s phone was accidentally calling me. So I turned my cell off. I keep it turned off a lot lately.

I would turn myself off too - my thoughts, my memories, my feelings - if I could.

Chantal Kreviazuk - Invincible

In a John-Cusack-brooding-about-my-life-kind-of-way-without-actually-doing-anything-about-it: I know how I would do it. I have no plans to, for the most part I like living, but I know what I would choose.

I know it is cowardly to consider it, you can get over anything, blah blah blah. It has already been 5 months of internal turmoil – how long can I expect myself to do this for? I have asked for understanding, support and for my friends to reach out to me…but here I am. Miserable. Alone. Thinking maybe I have fucked up so many friendships it is no longer worth trying to piece them together again. When was the last time someone called to ask me how I was dealing with this? I know, I know precisely. Only one person has and I was a total douche to him. The others – not once. Not one time. What quality of friendships have I lacked to foster to not even provide me with that? To not help me stand and see the end of this. To not provide me with reminders of what was/is possible. To tell me how much fun they’re having, how they have figured out how meaningful life is. LIFE DOESN’T MEAN SHIIIIIIIIIIIT. FUCK. Get over it.

I keep thinking of ways that I could at least get a break from life, and NOT in a give-me-attention kind of way. Rehab…but it would take ages to get there. Car accident…but I do not want any lasting effects. Eating disorder…but puking makes me cry and I enjoy food. Maybe if I continue to speed excessively and a cop finally stops me and asks why I was going so fast I could finally admit, out loud, that I don’t care about my life so much. Probably I am a danger on the road. I fantasize about car accidents. Put me away for a while and give me something that will make me sleep, sweet dreamless sleeps.

Went to bed last night at 7:30 because I could not stop crying on and off. I did not want to be awake but I could not sleep for most of the night. Irony? Now I am out of bed and cannot wait to get back in it after work. But I will probably be alone. Alone to think, cry and wish I was anywhere, anything, anyone but who I am.

It seems the pills did do something but I will not go back on them because yesterday I called out for help. Someone grabbed my hand. But it was none of you. A stranger who will give me a break, in a non-judgmental setting. She will give me someone to talk to, someone to relate to. Possibly a lifeline. Something to glean hope from.

Now I will silently suffer through the day. Cry at my desk while trying hard not to. Counting down the minutes until one more day is gone and over with. Until I don’t have to “laugh” and be fake.

My boss told me he is pushing for my month time off in June/July to go to Europe..some new shit initiative about work/life balance. I don’t care about the trip anymore.

Bad Start to a Week

I woke up this morning with the fading memories of my dreams. It’s finally starting to leave me now but it did seem too real at first. Instead of waking up with MP, it was Franco. We had a lengthy conversation in which began in bed, then he put me in a car, drove me to an unfamiliar place and made me call his sister who gave me shit for hurting him. Ha.

When I did actually wake up I laid stock still for a couple minutes until MP spoke. I was immediately thankful he did because I wasn’t yet awake enough to realize he wasn’t the man in my dreams.

On to another topic: I feel fugly. I’m not one to whinge when I’m having a bad day, but this isn’t just a bad day it’s been a few weeks. My self-esteem is lingering on a precariously thin edge. I can’t look at myself in the mirror without being completely unimpressed; and when I look down I see nothing but…fat. My skin is revolting against me (this first time since I was 15 or 16) and I can only see bags under my eyes.

When MP tells me I am beautiful it feels like a lie. In no way am I doubting his sincerity, maybe he does see that. I don’t.

I think it’s time to hit up a gym regularly. Maybe that’ll help.

Is all this a leftover from Franco? Are my insecurities strengthening as I remember more and more of the hate?

Today, I swear I will do it today, I am going to call another place for therapy. I can’t put it off anymore because I know I am not doing myself any favours.

Wants

I feel like I’m screwing this all up, failing at living my life. I am thoroughly sick of myself and the crap with which I am dealing with. Sick of talking about it, thinking about it, typing about it…everything. Faking being okay is easy, much easier than…fuck it. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing or how to deal with this to most effectively forget about it. I am infinitely lost.

I want to be alone but I am lonely.
I want to talk but I don’t want anyone to remember this.
I want to feel happier but I don’t want it to be manufactured by pills.
I want to get better but do I deserve happiness?
I want to be the old me but I am losing the strength to get back to that.

Talked last night about going/being off the pills. Part of me thinks it is a good idea, being in a bad place at least gave me motivation to get out of it. The other part thinks I should keep on them – but when I’m on them I do not deal with anything.

Today I will try and reach out. I will make a phone call, attempt to reach the next step. But this weekend I think I am giving up again, maybe I will focus on organizing my house…it is at least better than thinking.

Yes, I have been happier lately; maybe that does have to do with the pills...it probably does. But I don't feel like it is true happiness because it is almost like a blanket has been thrown over top of what I am going through; just covering it up for the time being. The hurt and pain - they are trying to make themselves known with me all the time.

Is it better this way? Not really. I haven't taken any more steps to solve my situation; in fact I have been avoiding it more and more. This is not what I want.

Maybe I'm just tired today. Maybe it's the time change.

I haven't shared as much lately because nothing was changing. Just want to forget about this but nothing helps.

Carry On

I lost the want to help myself sometime during the last few days, or was it last week...I don't remember.

MP had to work yesterday and ended up not being able to come back until today. When did I become so reliant on comfort from someone else? It is not like me, I am a self-soother. Anyways, we talked for a while last night, he told me things. I wish I could see a sliver in myself of what he sees. Instead I can barely lift my head when walking, I am not impressed by my own accomplishments, and I don't like facing myself in the mirror.

My drive and motivation have yet to return. Instead I continue to crave solitude and I want to cancel every plan I have made. Leaving my house for pleasure, and not just work, has become a feat in and of itself.

Most of the time I worry that I will never overcome this; but there is a little voice in the back of my mind which reminds me of the possibilities. I'd like to return to the girl I was in October. I think it is her calling out to remind me of the strength I once possessed.

Time To Think

In school last night everything seemed repetitive of what I've learned in the last year. Consequently I zoned out and started thinking...I wish I didn't have time to do that. Reflecting is not good for me right now.

I feel bad because MP got back last night after being away for a few days and I am pretty down. Haven't been sleeping well for the last two nights which probably isn't helping. Today I feel depressed; I wish my coworkers knew so I could tell them I do not have the energy to face the day. I want my bed.

Had a dream last night that FG was sleeping with me, I said his name in my dream and woke up startled and afraid. Turned around and I thought for a split second that MP was him. Not so easy to fall back asleep after that.

I feel absolutely defeated; want to give up on today. My thoughts are occasionally darker than they used to be; I need absolution.

Breakeven

I know I have neglected to write and figure out what has been happening this week; I have been happy and did not intend to ruin it with exploration of my "feelings".

Finding a place for group therapy has proven difficult. As I continue to look the worries of not finding solace in these groups grows. Time will tell; I hope to find one soon.

Shoot, I knew it. Typing about this is making me feel it again, so I will stop. Spend some more time next week figuring out where I am at.

If Only

Stand up, get pushed down.
Stand up again, get pushed back down.
Try that again:
Stand up, get pushed down once more.

I am going to sit for a while,
So weary from standing.

Standing in the shower?
Too much effort.
Standing up for myself,
By myself.
What for?

I will sit and recollect.
Regain my strength,
My will.

It is only me who can help myself.
If only something would
Take this all away.

A word.
A hug.
An understanding.
A pill.
I do not care,
Just want it gone.

At a Crosswalk

This week I have given in to myself and been reclusive. Cancelled plans and have not really left my house, except to go to work and take my dog for a walk. Am cancelling again tonight, just do not feel up for it; going out and pretending.

When I took my dog for a walk last night we were crossing the road in a cross walk. My dog was ahead of me, almost on the other sidewalk (in no danger at all, I swear it!) when another car came down the street and was turning the corner, maybe doing 30 or 40 kmph. I didn’t run out of the car’s path, instead I stayed rooted to my spot and forced him to slam on his breaks. Less than two feet from hitting me I could clearly see the fear in his eyes, while I was only angry. Angry at what though? Him for not seeing me, being another one not to notice me, or for not hitting me? Me because I did not think that getting hit by a car would be a bad thing, for challenging him, for NOT FUCKING CARING about myself again?

I cannot believe I made the choice to not move; in a split second I decided the physical pain would be better than the emotional. I need help.

This morning I emailed another counseling center. One who will set me up with a group of people who will maybe, finally, understand what I am going through. I am so incredibly tired of feeling alone. I am tired of not giving a shit what I am putting in my body. I am FUCKING TIRED of not caring about myself anymore. My relationships, my friendships. I am tired of continually challenging people, constantly pushing you all away.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah. How much longer?!!! How much longer until someone holds my hand, looks into my eyes and says “I get it, I understand, it happened to me too”. HOW MUCH LONGER?! How much longer until I can forgive myself? How much longer until I can feel as though I want to be in this relationship?! HOW MUCH LONGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

I am angry today. I am worn-out. I am deeply miserable.

De-Everything

I just cannot be bothered today. I do not feel like being social and going out this evening yet I made plans a couple weeks ago. What do I do; give in to despair and stay home, or make an effort to fight it off and go out?

Having a glass of wine and holding up my end of the conversation seems like a draining evening. WTF is wrong with me?

I am having the most difficult time shaking these feelings of misery, anguish, failure, dejection, loneliness, misunderstood, anger, distance, detachment. I can honestly say I just do not care. I don’t.

Tired, but can’t sleep. Lonely, yet push people away. Failure, of most relationships/friendships. Misery, feel as though I have let others down. Detachment, know I am not paying attention to others when I should but I have no energy to try. Misunderstood…for all of it.

I want time off of work to heal but would I actually get out of bed? Yes, probably; but I doubt I would find the ambition to leave my house.

Got pissed off at the time last night because it was only 7:30 and not late enough for sleep. Skipped school as I had no desire to be around other people. Cannot say I care about missing a class, I only wish I did not have to go next week.

I am the creator of my own gloom. Wish I had someone neutral to turn to for advice.

Talking + Today = X

Fuck it. The more I open my mouth today the more I think I am pissing people off. Trying so hard over here to keep it light and joke around but maybe I am not doing it right today...possibly it is so fake it is coming off wrong.

Whatever, I'm not talking anymore today unless it is business related. Same goes for all other types of correspondence.

I'm done. I wish I had a hug.

Skip It

Not having a great day today. I am so tired and cranky. Did not sleep so well again last night.

Have school this evening and kind of feel like skipping it. May go and just say I am not feeling too hot and leave early.

Don’t really feel like talking to anyone today but they all want to chat with me. And I know why I feel this way, I just don’t really want to talk/write about it right now…not even to myself. I cannot figure out if it is because of what I am going through or if I would normally think this.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. I am beyond tired and frustrated with what I am going through. I am so done with it affecting my life all the time, how do I stop it?

One Less Hour

Woah, last night I slept from 5 am until 6 am this morning, tossed and turned the rest of the time. I can barely focus at work. I keep looking under my desk, knowing there's enough room for me to sleep there and most people walking by won't see. I keep getting a burst of energy right before bed time.

I'm putting off getting into details about last weekend until I get more sleep and can be bothered to continue typing.

My coworker suggested working out before bed. I don't even feel like walking to get food at lunch. Probably my loss of appetite has not helped my lack of energy. Have lunch and dinner plans today, this is good...will force me to eat something.

No Sleep

I don’t really feel like writing today. Slept like shat last night, maybe got two hours in there. The night before was no better. Me neeeeeed sleep. Would like to splay across my desk, stretch out, curl back in to a ball, and pass out. There’s enough room if I just clean everything off.

Can’t stop yawning.

Damn FG for creeping in my dreams. How much longer until he disappears from them?

I'll tell about my weekend tomorrow maybe.

What to do This Long Weekend?

I guess what we’ll see what changes take place in the next few weeks, one day, one med at a time. Ack, I feel as though I’ve failed myself.

Received an invitation to go to Invermere for Sunday and Monday. A part of me really, really wants to accept, pack up and take off. However, what if I cannot be happy the whole time? I do not want to be the sad girl, the one who is going through a rough time. It will not be the same as it was before, I cannot drink this time. Maybe I should say no; for them and for me.

Valentine’s Day is in a couple days. It does not directly remind me of FG or anything (except for the pink book and the letter) but it is not a day worth celebrating. Thank you for creating it Hallmark, reminding people of their loneliness and troubles is really a day for celebration. You cold, thoughtless bastards.
Shit, I am cynical today.

I cried first thing in the morning. Maybe that gives me a pass to be cynical all I want for the day. Probably not, but I’m using it.

What to do this weekend? What to do? Tonight…staying in, watching movies. Tomorrow…I have nothing booked. How shall I find the motivation to leave my house if I have nothing to do? I probably won’t. Sunday, Monday maybe I will go. I wish I could truly look forward to going away with friends, just like I used to a few months ago. The emptiness still resides in me (if you have emptiness inside of you, are you truly empty?), it has replaced my motivation and happiness.

It's a BIG One Today

My very last covered session for 2010 was last night. We talked about why the last few weeks were good and what happened 1.5 weeks ago to take me to where I am now. I said I couldn’t pin it on anything specific but the flashbacks and nightmares are getting worse, strengthening. I can associate so many things – smells, sights, words, actions, touches - to FG that it becomes overwhelming at times. My biggest thing to work on now, so she said, is to find new associations for those memories. Yes, sounds great but not easy.

It would mean that I would have to have a fun and memorable conversations about Chile or Harley Davidsons. I don’t really want to. Maybe I should start off with other words, like Laundromat…could I do laundry at another one and have fun with it? Yes I could, but how long until the memories after start to fade too?

She told me I need to learn to better communicate what I’m going through, thinking maybe it may help others to understand why I need them SO much right now. What I really wished is that they’d just comprehend through my unspoken words. But that isn’t really possible, is it?

For practice, here goes: I feel lonely, ashamed, embarrassed, misunderstood, guilty, un-forgiven. I cannot forgive myself for the past, so when I feel guilty for something now (be it as small as being late for dinner) I cannot forgive myself for that either. My greatest wants are to know someone who has been where I am today, so they can feel what I am feeling; also to learn to better get the words out so my friends can see why I need them, and to have them just stop by some days. Just call to see how I’m doing but not to make me feel like a broken record by saying, again and again, I am so incredibly unhappy. Please don’t leave me or stop talking to me; but I cannot pretend many times like I am okay. I do not have the strength.

She has recommended going to group meetings, to meet others who have been where I was. Where I am.

She asked me if I have ever thought about ending my life or felt hopeless. I said no to the first one, but some moments to the second. I do little things (like drive fast and recklessly) to remind myself of what feeling alive is like.

She recommended taking something to help me sleep. To help me get through the day without the fear. To assist me in making new memories that will someday overshadow those that belong with FG.

I cannot explain to you the grief I feel for the part of me I have lost. The terror which overcomes me when I close my eyes or have reminders.

I want my life back and some days cannot see that happening.

I told MP I needed to slow things down, way down. I think he gets why but I feel guilty about it. If my past didn’t happen he wouldn’t have to go through this with me now. If I didn’t have to go through this with me I wouldn’t, I’d leave myself in a heartbeat. So I don’t get why he wants to be with me so much, maybe someday I will.

I am staying home tonight because I can’t see myself smiling.

Forget

I am tired of being forgotten about, I do not know what it is about me that people feel it is necessary to not extend invitations to anymore. More so, why tell me about it again and again knowing how it makes me feel? I get it, I know I am not at the happiest moment right now. I may be down, sometimes I cry and can't control it. But being forgotten about...it only pushes me farther down, farther away, farther into darkness, into lonliness, into dismay, and leaves me with less want to get up again.

Just forget about me, don't worry about it. Happens all the time.

That's all I have to say for now.

Time to Slow Down

Stress. I am extremely stressed today. Lack of sleep. Stupid mistakes. Effin’ bank screw-up. Bad dreams. Paper due for school.

I had a dream last night in which I told MP that he reminded me of FG. It was real and I was sure we had the conversation until I was awake for a few minutes. It is true though and I think I will have to tell him I need to cool things down for a while, until I can get myself back under control. He does/likes too many things which set off huge triggers for me, this is not his fault at all because he does not know. I did not know what those were until they happened. How can you blame someone for being themselves?

Who knew talking about Harleys would make me panic? Or kissing in the car? Being backed up against the counter? A hand twitching on my upper arm?

So many things to get over. Where do I even start? I can let them go, pretend they do not affect me too much. But at what point do you just say “F It” and realize you do not belong with people until you are okay?

 I know he has strong feelings for me but I am still too scared. I want him to be around but I need more space and time. I was enjoying the speed of which things were moving along, but now it is too much too fast. It has only been one month, I need at least 6.

No Title Necessary

Last night. Whenever I closed my eyes he was there. Writhed in fear. 

I am tired today; of today and everything. I am feeling the same as before - down. Cannot think of many other words I need to describe it anymore.

Went to a memorial for someone's son. Another ache which makes me feel as though mine is less than and undeserved.

Tonight I am going out. Girls Night. I really want to stay home. Be home.

Today's Painful Progress

It's two thirty in the afternoon. A couple more hours and I am out of here. I can barely concentrate on work anymore. My throat has a big lump in it making breathing and swallowing a chore. Eating lunch seemed like it would have taken too much effort, so I had a couple crackers instead.

The memories surrounding me are causing me to feel ill and tired.

Pretending that I am okay is getting old, so today I have barely left my desk. This way I do not have to face many people, or fake conversations about doing good and being busy.

I would really like to crawl into bed and hide under the covers.

Red Balloon

On my way to work this morning I watched as a red balloon skipped across the road, fearlessly. Red balloons are supposed to symbolize a release, letting go of memories, giving yourself over to passion.

Quite poignant.

I confessed to my lie with MP, the one about the breathing. As well as the difficulty of the past four days, five now. He reassured me that he is not going anywhere. But he has not seen the worst of it yet; will the worst of it happen again? MP also said there is no shame is what I am going through, no shame in talking to someone about it. So, my last confession of the evening was that I am talking to someone about it. My last covered appointment is next week. Where will I go from there? Pay the fees myself or find an alternative type of therapy…maybe it is time to move on to the group meetings.

Shame courses through me every hour. Thinking about the group meetings makes it thicker. How do you tell women who have been through much worse than you that some days you can barely move, get out of bed, lift your head, or eat? Will they think I am unworthy of this too?

It is coming back, without a doubt. This morning I could have called in sick, just to waste away the day watching monotonous tv. Thinking about nothing at all.

PF – I miss you. The girl you used to be. Please come back and help me through this. Please.

Eyes

Ugh, I know I have issues and I am really trying to suppress them as much as I can still. This relationship is new and I am lost as to what I should or should not share. As this seems to be coming back again, after a bit of a break, I am trying not to scare him off.

Last night I lied, when I promised him I would not. He asked if I was shivering because I was cold, so I said "mmmhmm". When, in reality, I could not form words because I was shaking with fear of what images were passing before my eyes. When he breathed I thought it sounded like FG moving behind me, and I remembered the rustling of the sheets as he crawled behind me with the knife in his hands.

It takes a lot of strength to continue writing and plow through what I am feeling right now. I would like to freeze up with the thought again, but could you imagine how I would look to others - staring blankly at my computer screen, my lips parted ever so slightly, a glint of fear in my eyes, my neck muscles and shoulders tensed up.

When I closed my eyes I remembered again. I was running. Again. Shit. In an almost sleep, my legs jerked with the incredible instinct to get away, find somewhere safe away from FG. I became fully alert at once, with the freeze frame of him in a sprinting stance with his eyes staring directly into mine. Oh, those eyes. I loathe those eyes.

What do I do, tell him the whole truth now or wait? Am I telling him to challenge his valor, his commitment? Or just because I need to unload the secrets I carry, share the weight of it? Am I trying to scare him off, see how far I can push him before he tumbles away?

Will he think, like I do, that I am losing it?

Again. Really!?

Shit. Shit shit shit. Shit. Another thing to forgive myself for, when I already cannot forgive myself for anything else I have done. I still am not able to get drunk. How embarrassing this past Friday. Plus I think I made the guy I am seeing look bad when I was crying, like it was his fault or something. But it totally was not. He said I tried to push him away (not in the physical sense), I am thankful I warned him.

Having guys around when I am upset, unless they know everything about the problem, adds to my anxiety. Shit. SHIIIIIIIT.

He assured me it was not a big deal, a few of you did. No one at my office saw. How could he still want to be with me? I am absolutely perplexed as to how anyone would want to be with me. Especially now. Do not get me wrong, I definitely want to be with him but…look at me. I am a complete mess, even when I put on the front of being happy and okay we all know what lies beneath the surface. I know I will get over this but how long can I expect someone to go through it with me?

I am scared that I am saying goodbye to happiness and welcoming back the downward spiral again. This is the third morning in a row I awoke feeling guilty, heartbroken, ashamed, empty, undeserving, and utterly terrible about myself in general. Completely worthless of anything good that has come my way.

When I closed my eyes last night, even with MP keeping me safe, I saw FG’s eyes again. My heart skips beats remembering it again today. How much longer can I endure these kinds of days? Why am I doubting MPs want to stick around when everything he has done, said or shown me proves exactly otherwise?

I can barely keep my head up today. Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be better.

New Beginnings?

I delivered some news to one person yesterday, went pretty well however I am still sorry about it. Now that they know I feel more comfortable on being open again about what is going on in my life.

I started seeing someone a few weeks ago, known him for a while but never in this much depth. It has moved so fast, yet I am completely comfortable with it.

- Week 1 - Spent the weekend with him in Kelowna and met his parents.
- Week 2 - I miss him when he’s gone for the weekend.
- Week 3 - We have shared everything good and bad about ourselves and, more miraculous for me, we have not walked away from each other.

Entering week 4 I have no idea what to expect. Time has flown by with him and he has given me reprieve from thinking about FG, except for one pair of his jeans. He (MP) has yet to let a morning go by without telling me I am beautiful and it has been years since I have begun to feel like this, about myself or someone else. MP has not pressed for more information regarding FG, ensuring me he will not until I am ready to talk more about it.

I never expected this or saw it coming; a healthy relationship was one thing I had little faith in happening for me. It is still early so I am not yet counting my blessings; however this is one thing I will try to protect, not push away and let it blossom on its’ own time.

Wish me luck!

Deservedness

One more person who knows. It’s not so bad. I mean, there’s always the element of shame and nervousness. Will it change the way they behave around me? Think less of me or question my psyche? Will they leave because of a lack of understanding or it is too much to deal with? But it is too late, I told him, he knows. I left out a lot, do not think I am ready to confess to it all yet.

He did call me out on one thing and got it right; I will have to work on it if it is so apparent. He said it is obvious I do not think a lot about myself. Wait, it is not like I have low self-esteem…right? Yeah, I don’t. However, he did say I do not believe I deserve much. Like being told good things about myself, having someone care about me or care for me, anything else that is good really. He hit the nail on the head.

I do not deserve a lot. And how can I feel that I do if I cannot even forgive myself for the past? If something good happens to me I always have to pay it forward because others deserve much more than I do. Hence all the volunteering.

I deserve to forgive myself.
I deserve…well, one step at a time. I will take care of that one first, maybe I can see more of what I am worthy of after that.

P.S. I opened with something like "I have something serious to tell you. Are we at the point where you'd want to know?" He said he knew, saw a flicker if it in my eyes when he asked about my past.

How To Start?

How do you tell someone the worst thing that has ever happened to you? How do you open the conversation?

1) If I confess to the skeleton in my closet will you stick around after knowing?
2) I have something serious to tell you, can we sit down?
3) Sometimes you remind me of someone I wish to never remember, someone I cannot forget, someone who scares me. Can we talk about him?
4) You think I am perfect but I need to tell you something that will disprove that.

With some of you I just said it, I was able to then. But now I want to hide it all over again and not confess to anyone else. She said it was part of my healing process, however it is one of the most difficult conversations. Admitting to your greatest flaw (She probably wouldn’t like that use of words)…admitting to your most raw moments, your only memories that haunt you. The one thing you still cannot forgive yourself for, even though it really was not your own doing.

How do you just come out and say it? I am waiting for a ‘moment’ but, in reality, I am stalling. I do not want to lose anyone else because of this.

Face Value

If someone warns you by saying they are not a good person, do you accept it? Sometimes I forewarn people when I think I may hurt them eventually. It is not fun knowing you are capable of doing this but…no excuses. I cannot be good and proper all the time. I cannot always offer others what they want me to, feel what they feel, or expect the same in return.

I took from others when I needed healing. I took your time everything else you had to offer, and only gave you my sorrow in return.

I thank you for being there when I needed you. For helping me get through this and learn to deal with it. At the same time, should you have been caught in my path I sincerely apologize. Should you ever be, please know I’m sorry in advance.

I make mistakes. I’m human. I made more mistakes during the last couple months than is normal for me. There is a lot of cleaning up to do.

Every day I think about FG, it is still constant. I have not felt the heart crushing ache in a couple weeks though. Is that part over?

There is still a list to compile of fears I need to face, work up to, to prove to myself I am over him. Should probably spend time doing that this week.

Back to face value though. Always accept what people say of themselves. Never has someone proven me wrong when listing a negative attribute about themselves.

In retrospect (which is where I spend a lot of time these days), if I had listened to FG when he said he wasn’t a good person and didn’t deserve me I would never have gotten into that mess.