If Only

Stand up, get pushed down.
Stand up again, get pushed back down.
Try that again:
Stand up, get pushed down once more.

I am going to sit for a while,
So weary from standing.

Standing in the shower?
Too much effort.
Standing up for myself,
By myself.
What for?

I will sit and recollect.
Regain my strength,
My will.

It is only me who can help myself.
If only something would
Take this all away.

A word.
A hug.
An understanding.
A pill.
I do not care,
Just want it gone.

At a Crosswalk

This week I have given in to myself and been reclusive. Cancelled plans and have not really left my house, except to go to work and take my dog for a walk. Am cancelling again tonight, just do not feel up for it; going out and pretending.

When I took my dog for a walk last night we were crossing the road in a cross walk. My dog was ahead of me, almost on the other sidewalk (in no danger at all, I swear it!) when another car came down the street and was turning the corner, maybe doing 30 or 40 kmph. I didn’t run out of the car’s path, instead I stayed rooted to my spot and forced him to slam on his breaks. Less than two feet from hitting me I could clearly see the fear in his eyes, while I was only angry. Angry at what though? Him for not seeing me, being another one not to notice me, or for not hitting me? Me because I did not think that getting hit by a car would be a bad thing, for challenging him, for NOT FUCKING CARING about myself again?

I cannot believe I made the choice to not move; in a split second I decided the physical pain would be better than the emotional. I need help.

This morning I emailed another counseling center. One who will set me up with a group of people who will maybe, finally, understand what I am going through. I am so incredibly tired of feeling alone. I am tired of not giving a shit what I am putting in my body. I am FUCKING TIRED of not caring about myself anymore. My relationships, my friendships. I am tired of continually challenging people, constantly pushing you all away.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah. How much longer?!!! How much longer until someone holds my hand, looks into my eyes and says “I get it, I understand, it happened to me too”. HOW MUCH LONGER?! How much longer until I can forgive myself? How much longer until I can feel as though I want to be in this relationship?! HOW MUCH LONGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

I am angry today. I am worn-out. I am deeply miserable.

De-Everything

I just cannot be bothered today. I do not feel like being social and going out this evening yet I made plans a couple weeks ago. What do I do; give in to despair and stay home, or make an effort to fight it off and go out?

Having a glass of wine and holding up my end of the conversation seems like a draining evening. WTF is wrong with me?

I am having the most difficult time shaking these feelings of misery, anguish, failure, dejection, loneliness, misunderstood, anger, distance, detachment. I can honestly say I just do not care. I don’t.

Tired, but can’t sleep. Lonely, yet push people away. Failure, of most relationships/friendships. Misery, feel as though I have let others down. Detachment, know I am not paying attention to others when I should but I have no energy to try. Misunderstood…for all of it.

I want time off of work to heal but would I actually get out of bed? Yes, probably; but I doubt I would find the ambition to leave my house.

Got pissed off at the time last night because it was only 7:30 and not late enough for sleep. Skipped school as I had no desire to be around other people. Cannot say I care about missing a class, I only wish I did not have to go next week.

I am the creator of my own gloom. Wish I had someone neutral to turn to for advice.

Talking + Today = X

Fuck it. The more I open my mouth today the more I think I am pissing people off. Trying so hard over here to keep it light and joke around but maybe I am not doing it right today...possibly it is so fake it is coming off wrong.

Whatever, I'm not talking anymore today unless it is business related. Same goes for all other types of correspondence.

I'm done. I wish I had a hug.

Skip It

Not having a great day today. I am so tired and cranky. Did not sleep so well again last night.

Have school this evening and kind of feel like skipping it. May go and just say I am not feeling too hot and leave early.

Don’t really feel like talking to anyone today but they all want to chat with me. And I know why I feel this way, I just don’t really want to talk/write about it right now…not even to myself. I cannot figure out if it is because of what I am going through or if I would normally think this.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. I am beyond tired and frustrated with what I am going through. I am so done with it affecting my life all the time, how do I stop it?

One Less Hour

Woah, last night I slept from 5 am until 6 am this morning, tossed and turned the rest of the time. I can barely focus at work. I keep looking under my desk, knowing there's enough room for me to sleep there and most people walking by won't see. I keep getting a burst of energy right before bed time.

I'm putting off getting into details about last weekend until I get more sleep and can be bothered to continue typing.

My coworker suggested working out before bed. I don't even feel like walking to get food at lunch. Probably my loss of appetite has not helped my lack of energy. Have lunch and dinner plans today, this is good...will force me to eat something.

No Sleep

I don’t really feel like writing today. Slept like shat last night, maybe got two hours in there. The night before was no better. Me neeeeeed sleep. Would like to splay across my desk, stretch out, curl back in to a ball, and pass out. There’s enough room if I just clean everything off.

Can’t stop yawning.

Damn FG for creeping in my dreams. How much longer until he disappears from them?

I'll tell about my weekend tomorrow maybe.

What to do This Long Weekend?

I guess what we’ll see what changes take place in the next few weeks, one day, one med at a time. Ack, I feel as though I’ve failed myself.

Received an invitation to go to Invermere for Sunday and Monday. A part of me really, really wants to accept, pack up and take off. However, what if I cannot be happy the whole time? I do not want to be the sad girl, the one who is going through a rough time. It will not be the same as it was before, I cannot drink this time. Maybe I should say no; for them and for me.

Valentine’s Day is in a couple days. It does not directly remind me of FG or anything (except for the pink book and the letter) but it is not a day worth celebrating. Thank you for creating it Hallmark, reminding people of their loneliness and troubles is really a day for celebration. You cold, thoughtless bastards.
Shit, I am cynical today.

I cried first thing in the morning. Maybe that gives me a pass to be cynical all I want for the day. Probably not, but I’m using it.

What to do this weekend? What to do? Tonight…staying in, watching movies. Tomorrow…I have nothing booked. How shall I find the motivation to leave my house if I have nothing to do? I probably won’t. Sunday, Monday maybe I will go. I wish I could truly look forward to going away with friends, just like I used to a few months ago. The emptiness still resides in me (if you have emptiness inside of you, are you truly empty?), it has replaced my motivation and happiness.

It's a BIG One Today

My very last covered session for 2010 was last night. We talked about why the last few weeks were good and what happened 1.5 weeks ago to take me to where I am now. I said I couldn’t pin it on anything specific but the flashbacks and nightmares are getting worse, strengthening. I can associate so many things – smells, sights, words, actions, touches - to FG that it becomes overwhelming at times. My biggest thing to work on now, so she said, is to find new associations for those memories. Yes, sounds great but not easy.

It would mean that I would have to have a fun and memorable conversations about Chile or Harley Davidsons. I don’t really want to. Maybe I should start off with other words, like Laundromat…could I do laundry at another one and have fun with it? Yes I could, but how long until the memories after start to fade too?

She told me I need to learn to better communicate what I’m going through, thinking maybe it may help others to understand why I need them SO much right now. What I really wished is that they’d just comprehend through my unspoken words. But that isn’t really possible, is it?

For practice, here goes: I feel lonely, ashamed, embarrassed, misunderstood, guilty, un-forgiven. I cannot forgive myself for the past, so when I feel guilty for something now (be it as small as being late for dinner) I cannot forgive myself for that either. My greatest wants are to know someone who has been where I am today, so they can feel what I am feeling; also to learn to better get the words out so my friends can see why I need them, and to have them just stop by some days. Just call to see how I’m doing but not to make me feel like a broken record by saying, again and again, I am so incredibly unhappy. Please don’t leave me or stop talking to me; but I cannot pretend many times like I am okay. I do not have the strength.

She has recommended going to group meetings, to meet others who have been where I was. Where I am.

She asked me if I have ever thought about ending my life or felt hopeless. I said no to the first one, but some moments to the second. I do little things (like drive fast and recklessly) to remind myself of what feeling alive is like.

She recommended taking something to help me sleep. To help me get through the day without the fear. To assist me in making new memories that will someday overshadow those that belong with FG.

I cannot explain to you the grief I feel for the part of me I have lost. The terror which overcomes me when I close my eyes or have reminders.

I want my life back and some days cannot see that happening.

I told MP I needed to slow things down, way down. I think he gets why but I feel guilty about it. If my past didn’t happen he wouldn’t have to go through this with me now. If I didn’t have to go through this with me I wouldn’t, I’d leave myself in a heartbeat. So I don’t get why he wants to be with me so much, maybe someday I will.

I am staying home tonight because I can’t see myself smiling.

Forget

I am tired of being forgotten about, I do not know what it is about me that people feel it is necessary to not extend invitations to anymore. More so, why tell me about it again and again knowing how it makes me feel? I get it, I know I am not at the happiest moment right now. I may be down, sometimes I cry and can't control it. But being forgotten about...it only pushes me farther down, farther away, farther into darkness, into lonliness, into dismay, and leaves me with less want to get up again.

Just forget about me, don't worry about it. Happens all the time.

That's all I have to say for now.

Time to Slow Down

Stress. I am extremely stressed today. Lack of sleep. Stupid mistakes. Effin’ bank screw-up. Bad dreams. Paper due for school.

I had a dream last night in which I told MP that he reminded me of FG. It was real and I was sure we had the conversation until I was awake for a few minutes. It is true though and I think I will have to tell him I need to cool things down for a while, until I can get myself back under control. He does/likes too many things which set off huge triggers for me, this is not his fault at all because he does not know. I did not know what those were until they happened. How can you blame someone for being themselves?

Who knew talking about Harleys would make me panic? Or kissing in the car? Being backed up against the counter? A hand twitching on my upper arm?

So many things to get over. Where do I even start? I can let them go, pretend they do not affect me too much. But at what point do you just say “F It” and realize you do not belong with people until you are okay?

 I know he has strong feelings for me but I am still too scared. I want him to be around but I need more space and time. I was enjoying the speed of which things were moving along, but now it is too much too fast. It has only been one month, I need at least 6.

No Title Necessary

Last night. Whenever I closed my eyes he was there. Writhed in fear. 

I am tired today; of today and everything. I am feeling the same as before - down. Cannot think of many other words I need to describe it anymore.

Went to a memorial for someone's son. Another ache which makes me feel as though mine is less than and undeserved.

Tonight I am going out. Girls Night. I really want to stay home. Be home.

Today's Painful Progress

It's two thirty in the afternoon. A couple more hours and I am out of here. I can barely concentrate on work anymore. My throat has a big lump in it making breathing and swallowing a chore. Eating lunch seemed like it would have taken too much effort, so I had a couple crackers instead.

The memories surrounding me are causing me to feel ill and tired.

Pretending that I am okay is getting old, so today I have barely left my desk. This way I do not have to face many people, or fake conversations about doing good and being busy.

I would really like to crawl into bed and hide under the covers.

Red Balloon

On my way to work this morning I watched as a red balloon skipped across the road, fearlessly. Red balloons are supposed to symbolize a release, letting go of memories, giving yourself over to passion.

Quite poignant.

I confessed to my lie with MP, the one about the breathing. As well as the difficulty of the past four days, five now. He reassured me that he is not going anywhere. But he has not seen the worst of it yet; will the worst of it happen again? MP also said there is no shame is what I am going through, no shame in talking to someone about it. So, my last confession of the evening was that I am talking to someone about it. My last covered appointment is next week. Where will I go from there? Pay the fees myself or find an alternative type of therapy…maybe it is time to move on to the group meetings.

Shame courses through me every hour. Thinking about the group meetings makes it thicker. How do you tell women who have been through much worse than you that some days you can barely move, get out of bed, lift your head, or eat? Will they think I am unworthy of this too?

It is coming back, without a doubt. This morning I could have called in sick, just to waste away the day watching monotonous tv. Thinking about nothing at all.

PF – I miss you. The girl you used to be. Please come back and help me through this. Please.

Eyes

Ugh, I know I have issues and I am really trying to suppress them as much as I can still. This relationship is new and I am lost as to what I should or should not share. As this seems to be coming back again, after a bit of a break, I am trying not to scare him off.

Last night I lied, when I promised him I would not. He asked if I was shivering because I was cold, so I said "mmmhmm". When, in reality, I could not form words because I was shaking with fear of what images were passing before my eyes. When he breathed I thought it sounded like FG moving behind me, and I remembered the rustling of the sheets as he crawled behind me with the knife in his hands.

It takes a lot of strength to continue writing and plow through what I am feeling right now. I would like to freeze up with the thought again, but could you imagine how I would look to others - staring blankly at my computer screen, my lips parted ever so slightly, a glint of fear in my eyes, my neck muscles and shoulders tensed up.

When I closed my eyes I remembered again. I was running. Again. Shit. In an almost sleep, my legs jerked with the incredible instinct to get away, find somewhere safe away from FG. I became fully alert at once, with the freeze frame of him in a sprinting stance with his eyes staring directly into mine. Oh, those eyes. I loathe those eyes.

What do I do, tell him the whole truth now or wait? Am I telling him to challenge his valor, his commitment? Or just because I need to unload the secrets I carry, share the weight of it? Am I trying to scare him off, see how far I can push him before he tumbles away?

Will he think, like I do, that I am losing it?

Again. Really!?

Shit. Shit shit shit. Shit. Another thing to forgive myself for, when I already cannot forgive myself for anything else I have done. I still am not able to get drunk. How embarrassing this past Friday. Plus I think I made the guy I am seeing look bad when I was crying, like it was his fault or something. But it totally was not. He said I tried to push him away (not in the physical sense), I am thankful I warned him.

Having guys around when I am upset, unless they know everything about the problem, adds to my anxiety. Shit. SHIIIIIIIT.

He assured me it was not a big deal, a few of you did. No one at my office saw. How could he still want to be with me? I am absolutely perplexed as to how anyone would want to be with me. Especially now. Do not get me wrong, I definitely want to be with him but…look at me. I am a complete mess, even when I put on the front of being happy and okay we all know what lies beneath the surface. I know I will get over this but how long can I expect someone to go through it with me?

I am scared that I am saying goodbye to happiness and welcoming back the downward spiral again. This is the third morning in a row I awoke feeling guilty, heartbroken, ashamed, empty, undeserving, and utterly terrible about myself in general. Completely worthless of anything good that has come my way.

When I closed my eyes last night, even with MP keeping me safe, I saw FG’s eyes again. My heart skips beats remembering it again today. How much longer can I endure these kinds of days? Why am I doubting MPs want to stick around when everything he has done, said or shown me proves exactly otherwise?

I can barely keep my head up today. Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be better.