Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. I will make it to Tuesday. Probably not without falling apart some more but I will make it.

I am screwing this up with MP. I know I barely show him I want to be in this and have made him to feel like a comfort to me only. I guess I just do not know how to give emotionally when I can barely muster the energy to live my life. The will to leave my house and carry on. The strength to get my job done. And how could I possibly want to be intimate when I feel like a fucking whale. Superbly ugly. Like a failure and a total loser. Angry, ashamed, completely and terribly heartbroken.

Getting into any type of relationship as I am going through this now seems extraordinarily selfish and I feel guilty. He keeps telling me that he wants to be with me but I do not know what I expect from him right now, or what I can give. I want someone to be there for me. To understand everything, all of it. To listen and support, yet provide me with space when I need it most. To hug me when all I can visualize is ways to end this and the cause of it. To stay awake with me until I am sure my sleep will not be haunted by memories…at least for a couple hours as I cannot make it through the night.

What can I give? Nothing right now. Nothing. I should not be doing this. If I cannot be happy why am I stopping someone else from being just that?

What do I do? What DO I do?

I want him around and do not want to give up on the possibilities but the timing is all off. I wish someone would just tell me what to do. Tell me if I am doing this wrong or what the right way to carry on is.

I don’t know how to explain this anymore. Who to count on or turn to. Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. I don’t know how to continue on with the fake happiness without getting extremely tired by 8 pm. I don’t know how to close my eyes without seeing him. Or how to not visualize horrible things. Not wish on hurt and pain for myself.

The end of this has to be near. It has to.

Why is he with me? Who would want to be with this girl, with these thoughts?