Turn It Off

They called me and my appointment is Tuesday. Only four nights of forced happiness to get through. One night of not having to pretend. Of those four nights I plan to stay out no longer than required. I have not given a response to either of my ball teams as to whether or not I will participate this summer. I am not feeling enthused about the two charitable committees I’m sitting on; one I do not even go to the meetings, the other I must because it is at work.

I could use some sleep again, an entire unbroken evening of it. I would also like to feel like being alive again. I sometimes reminisce on the days I used to go out with friends because I would rather be with them, having fun, than at home. This has obviously changed.

I think others are judging me, for a plentitude of things. Sometimes I get it, I understand why people hide the dirty things about them. Even if others think there is something going on, if they cannot see it, for the most part, they will not ask about it. Better to avoid, right? Who wants to know the truth, the uncomfortable truth.

If I come out of this, I do not think I will be afraid to ask the more blunt questions. Better to temporarily piss someone off than to make the feel…forgotten.

My phone rang a couple times last night and my hopes soared that it was someone calling to see how I was doing. Instead it was a friend who’s phone was accidentally calling me. So I turned my cell off. I keep it turned off a lot lately.

I would turn myself off too - my thoughts, my memories, my feelings - if I could.