Wants

I feel like I’m screwing this all up, failing at living my life. I am thoroughly sick of myself and the crap with which I am dealing with. Sick of talking about it, thinking about it, typing about it…everything. Faking being okay is easy, much easier than…fuck it. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing or how to deal with this to most effectively forget about it. I am infinitely lost.

I want to be alone but I am lonely.
I want to talk but I don’t want anyone to remember this.
I want to feel happier but I don’t want it to be manufactured by pills.
I want to get better but do I deserve happiness?
I want to be the old me but I am losing the strength to get back to that.

Talked last night about going/being off the pills. Part of me thinks it is a good idea, being in a bad place at least gave me motivation to get out of it. The other part thinks I should keep on them – but when I’m on them I do not deal with anything.

Today I will try and reach out. I will make a phone call, attempt to reach the next step. But this weekend I think I am giving up again, maybe I will focus on organizing my house…it is at least better than thinking.