I breathed. I cleaned. I did it...alone

The worst, the moment which broke me in group, the moment when I struggled to believe it could be true, the incident which led to you sitting outside of my shower while I cried and pleaded with myself to just breathe, happened again last night. I couldn’t be them. I believe in my own strength but the amounts these women have astounds me. I would have hunted him down and done bad, bad things if I were in their situation. Horrendous, unspeakable things. I’m sure of it. There’s no way he could hurt one of mine like that, no way I would trust the system to inflict the proper amount of justice.

I did breathe, though. I did make it home to clean the fridge. I did not cry because the tears which have amounted in me are too much for an alone cry. I would like to ball your shirt in my fists, lay my forehead upon your chest, and cry with all the might and passion I am able to muster. Cry for myself, the parts of myself I lost, the things and people I have lost this year and the years before, cry for my family and friends for their own woes they face, cry for the other women in my group and their families, cry for the women of the world who are in this every day, cry for the children who are byproducts of these relationships, cry for the damage it’s done to them and is doing to them, cry for the anger I have to the men (and women) who can’t be stopped, cry because we have all lost something sometime and it is simply unjust. Unjust and unfair. I would also like to cry for the months and years I have wasted on F.G. Cry for what I’ve been through and the successes I made.

I know “life isn’t fair” but sometimes it is just downright cruelly so.

Just breathe.

I am done shopping for my trip, just have to book things now. Like my flights…yah, I may have left that a bit too late. Whoopsies! Ah well. 3 weeks. OH MY GOD, 3 weeks until I can run to (because I am running to now and not away) somewhere and something more than here. OMG, 3 weeks until I have my break, the one I have been waiting and waiting for. I am not yet excited for the trip itself, still seems unreal, but excited for the time, the moments, the experiences, the discovering. 3 more weeks.