Time = Healing Wounds

If I was a cat I would hiss at others sometimes. I consider myself a protector of those who matter to me. I would’ve had my claws out this weekend but I’ll let him have one more chance. If he’s cruel to her once more I will step in and put a stop to it. She deserves better. What an ass.

I feel more like me today, noticeably so. I don’t know what it is but I’ve finally opened the doors to positivity again. Before I was just letting it slip past the cracks others created for me, now I did it. Makes me smile.

I like my hair. Okay, a random thing to say but I do. I didn’t like much about myself for so long that today I’ll say I like my hair.

Just a mere 3.5 weeks left to a trip that I’ve been planning for a decade. Holy shat! Finally getting excited but it still seems like it’s not really happening. I guess I should buys shoes, a backpack and something else. I desire to do this trip in style.

Ooh, my birthday celebrations are early this year. Dinner with friends and family…two different dinners of course (as is totally how I do it). Something a bit more low key, just a chance to bring my people together and strengthen my bonds with them. Fun.

I know you read this and you’d probably rather I say this to you but this is still my forum, my place to write it down. See how it feels and reads back to me. My place to pick apart my own thoughts and find the reality of my feelings.

When I talk to you still I get the impression it’s hard for you, that’s okay. You don’t have to talk to me often if you can’t do it because when you seem disinterested or distracted on the phone it hurts a little. Kind of like what I’m saying isn't intersting…maybe I’m not explaining that right. I like talking to you, really. I want to stay in touch but I don’t want to hurt you. Some days I feel like my being happy on the phone and showing excitement for whatever it is I’ve been doing is just causing you (hmmm, what’s the word I’m looking for…) to wonder why I was never like that with you. Whatever, I’m sure you know what I mean. I really like having you in my life and I don’t want you to go anywhere, but I also want you to be happy. I don't know what to do to enable this for you.

One-on-one last week was great for me. She made me feel like all of my decisions lately have been the best for me at this time. Maybe not the greatest for others, but I’ve got too much repair to do to try and keep everyone happy. I’m okay with that for now. When I’m back to me maybe people can forgive me for the errors I’ve made in the past while. Should they not be able to I’ll be okay with that as well. Time heals all wounds. Time has done me a great justice, I’m finally happy to have more of it.