I can. I will.

I accept that I’ll still have bad days, hours or moments, but I do just want them to go away. It’s hard when the loneliness returns or the thoughts of never fully recovering from this become fierce.

Franco, you fucking son of a bitch, I will not be taking you to Europe with me. You do not belong in my thoughts and memories over there. This is my time. My moment to find out what I really like and want from myself, others and life in general. So fuck off and leave me be. I hope to only see you again in the obits - and soon at that if you could.

People confide things in me before they do to others. Sometimes it’s simply a slipup and they didn’t mean to, however I’m usually the one. Probably it is because I had the strength for this, but right now I don’t. I only got part of the story and I would like to know the whole thing so I can silence the negative thoughts over this, put my worries aside and help you. Both to understand what this is, and to make a plan as to what we’ll do to get rid of it. You’re my ___ and I want you healthy. There will be no illnesses here, not in my _____. When I get back I will do what I can for you, even if that means I have to hit the gym daily. Just not at 5:00 am.

I would like my life to be calm for ½ a year. Not in the positive things - throw all the parties, dinner plans, daring activities, and other craziness my way - but in the negative things. Take away all of it, all of the drama, the hurt, the pain of whatever and give me some peace. Maybe my one month away will be enough of a break so I can have just one thing to deal with, myself. I will create all the positivity I can for me in July. I will spend every last dime on myself if my heart so desires. Should I feel whole again at the end I will buy myself something that’ll last forever, something that says (to me) strength and perseverance. Hope and unity. Love and wholeness. Confidence and clarity. Something that reminds me that no matter what I go through I will make it out in the end, not just as myself but an improved version of myself.

I can do this. I can let him go. I can. I will.