Losing My Self-Identity

Group again tonight. What it did to me the last time…not looking forward to that. The dreams haven’t stopped, he pops into them whenever. Fuck his face.

As I was reflecting on the things I have done over the past week I am not too sure if I am proud impressed with myself for doing things that I normally would have anyways. Forced myself to do so many things, but didn’t find any excitement in the usual. I went to my first ball games, double-header on Monday, made the usual funny comments they all expected of me but I was dying to go home. I stuck it out though, didn’t play my best but ah well. I am still taken aback by how uncomfortable I can be around those I’ve known for years and years.

This week is the big volunteering week. The one I am normally so into; the one I have spent months ramping up for…not this year. Imagine all those fucking people, thousands of them. Once you get thrown in that red committee shirt there is no hiding, oh god that is scary. For over 23 hours in 2 days I will have to suppress everything, put a smile on my face and be “on” the whole time. For co-committee members, co-volunteers, attendees, VIPs, friends, adults, children, baaah.

This year I wish I could be sad that I couldn’t invest more time into this event but I’m just not feeling it…or much of anything these days. I’ve passed on all the committee meetings, backed out of all my responsibilities so far, I really don’t want to lose this one though. Passed on my stuff that I’m supposed to do for it tonight (because of the group) to a friend and I’m jealous it’s not me there. And the retarded, insecure part is afraid she’ll outshine/outdo/out-everything me and take my place next year. Will they like her more than me? Think she’s more dedicated? Kinder? More caring? Everything I’m not? I mean, what am I right now? I feel like a lying piece of shit. Fake. Scared. Incapable. Stupid. Dumbass. Bitch. FUCK YOU Franco. How do I take my power and self back from you?

What do I have right now that I can call mine and enjoy? Not much of anything. Whatever.

This group thing depresses me. I don’t want to do this. I could cry now. Go home, hide in bed and cry.