i HATE the world today

Talking to JL on Sunday. I don’t really feel like formally talking, not too sure what I want/have to say. Part of me questions whether or not she should even know what’s going on, it isn’t like she has shown an interest in being around. Plus, when I tell her I feel abandoned/left out by her she proceeds to tell me she has to meet early on Sunday because she has dinner plans with another friend. HOLY FUCK, are you not LISTENING. It’s kind of like she’s rubbing it in. Kind of like she’s saying this:

“Hey (insert my name), you’re not important enough to me to include in anything, or to talk to unless you get upset with me. I would much rather ignore what you are actually saying and just make you feel like shit. I will never listen to a fucking word that comes out of your mouth because it isn’t important and doesn’t matter. I only want to get drunk with you so you so shut the fuck up and call me when you’re better and want to party.”

MP said I was selfish last night because I’m not one to give shoulder rubs, or give foot massages, and get all touchy-feely like that. I have never been one to do this. You know when girls in elementary school would want you to play with their hair while you sat in assembly or something…I couldn’t be bothered. It never interested me to have mine played with or to touch someone else’s. I was never the hairdresser or doctor while playing make-believe. I think all that touching is too unnecessary. If I really need someone to rub my head, shoulders, back or feet I’ll friggin’ pay a professional to do it. It’s not selfish, just not a part of who I am. It’s not like I miraculously changed into this person who wasn’t interested in this. I never have been. I don’t need to be touched and coddled all the time, therefore I’m not interested in doing it too much for someone else.

Is it totally fucking twisted that I don’t even like when someone asks me for a hug or kiss. If you want to hug or kiss me just do it, don’t ask. Do it.
Ah fuck it. I’m in a bad mood. I hate the world today. The world. Don’t tell me I’m selfish. Don’t all of the sudden want to talk but ignore what I say. FUCK.