Ne Me Quitte Pas

Here’s a whole bunch of shit just running through my head today:

- Another day, more plans made that I really don’t know if I can carry through with.

- I do not relate you to him, I do not think you are him. But when you act out, albeit by throwing something or just getting upset, it scares me. Worries me. Makes me nervous. I do not want to tell you for worry of making you feel guilty about being human. Sometimes I want to ask, so much, if you have ever hit a woman. From the type of man you are, and have proven yourself to be, I am confident the answer would be no. But still. I am scared. That someday instead of throwing it at the ground, you’ll throw it at me. You’ll raise a fist, a hand, or a knife to me.

- Your FB update showed up on my home page. It said you were having a bad day: “fml”. I could not reach out or even bother to question why; how do you do that when you’re at your lowest and this person has yet to do that for you. But then you thanked people for all the “love, hugs and support”. Still you didn’t call. Still you didn’t write. Still. Nothing. Even after learning, again, that “love, hugs and support” can help, you continue to desert me. Why, what is so hard about you taking some step to reach out to me the way others have/had/are for you?

- Tomorrow is another session. I’m scared because she wants to really delve into the past, the moments that caused this. MP won’t be here for me after, no one will. I can’t breathe.

- I can literally feel myself breaking apart right now. Lump in my throat. Weight on my chest. Hard hitting heart beats. No focus. No direction. No feeling. I could give up today.