On Friday I met up with JL and KC, as well as KC’s other friends. Originally JL was going to come over but KC was sweetly pestering me (in a good way) to get out for at least an hour. So I asked JL if we could switch plans and she was okay with that. Met up with her at the pub and right away she wanted me to meet this old guy (you know the creepy kind who sit at the wood, are over 60, greasy, and just want to meet younger girls?). I really think she does not understand who am I right now. I barely have the energy to converse with my friends, and when I do I can’t hear myself in the words because it sounds fake and forced still. Let alone want to talk to some old fool who I don’t know.
Then this girl wants JL and I to do this song and dance we used to do all the time for her birthday. KC is egging me on so I agreed to do it. Felt really uncomfortable, for the first time, on stage and was immediately exhausted after from pretending to be so fucking happy. So I paid for me drinks, finished the last little bit and took off.
Meanwhile, during the rest of the time JL is texting and will barely talk to me. Albeit she may be able to sense that I don’t have much to say to her right now. She’s been so distant for the last few months that I find it increasingly difficult to be around her, talk/relate to her, etc. I wish she understood, and that I had the want to make her understand.
I think she still expects me to be a version of myself that I'm not anymore.
If she’d been around, bothered to call or stop by, she would have seen and noticed that. Maybe if I am mean to her, like stupid whore-monkey BB was, I would get some fucking attention or advice or words of kindness, a moment to sit and reflect. Whatever, more than the next to nothing I get now.
Whew, I sound mad. I am. Kind of. But more, I feel a loss over how our friendship used to be. Who I thought she was/would be. Who I was and am not anymore.
Side note: Have the time off for my trip in July! Woah, so excited about that!
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