Eyes

Ugh, I know I have issues and I am really trying to suppress them as much as I can still. This relationship is new and I am lost as to what I should or should not share. As this seems to be coming back again, after a bit of a break, I am trying not to scare him off.

Last night I lied, when I promised him I would not. He asked if I was shivering because I was cold, so I said "mmmhmm". When, in reality, I could not form words because I was shaking with fear of what images were passing before my eyes. When he breathed I thought it sounded like FG moving behind me, and I remembered the rustling of the sheets as he crawled behind me with the knife in his hands.

It takes a lot of strength to continue writing and plow through what I am feeling right now. I would like to freeze up with the thought again, but could you imagine how I would look to others - staring blankly at my computer screen, my lips parted ever so slightly, a glint of fear in my eyes, my neck muscles and shoulders tensed up.

When I closed my eyes I remembered again. I was running. Again. Shit. In an almost sleep, my legs jerked with the incredible instinct to get away, find somewhere safe away from FG. I became fully alert at once, with the freeze frame of him in a sprinting stance with his eyes staring directly into mine. Oh, those eyes. I loathe those eyes.

What do I do, tell him the whole truth now or wait? Am I telling him to challenge his valor, his commitment? Or just because I need to unload the secrets I carry, share the weight of it? Am I trying to scare him off, see how far I can push him before he tumbles away?

Will he think, like I do, that I am losing it?