At a Crosswalk

This week I have given in to myself and been reclusive. Cancelled plans and have not really left my house, except to go to work and take my dog for a walk. Am cancelling again tonight, just do not feel up for it; going out and pretending.

When I took my dog for a walk last night we were crossing the road in a cross walk. My dog was ahead of me, almost on the other sidewalk (in no danger at all, I swear it!) when another car came down the street and was turning the corner, maybe doing 30 or 40 kmph. I didn’t run out of the car’s path, instead I stayed rooted to my spot and forced him to slam on his breaks. Less than two feet from hitting me I could clearly see the fear in his eyes, while I was only angry. Angry at what though? Him for not seeing me, being another one not to notice me, or for not hitting me? Me because I did not think that getting hit by a car would be a bad thing, for challenging him, for NOT FUCKING CARING about myself again?

I cannot believe I made the choice to not move; in a split second I decided the physical pain would be better than the emotional. I need help.

This morning I emailed another counseling center. One who will set me up with a group of people who will maybe, finally, understand what I am going through. I am so incredibly tired of feeling alone. I am tired of not giving a shit what I am putting in my body. I am FUCKING TIRED of not caring about myself anymore. My relationships, my friendships. I am tired of continually challenging people, constantly pushing you all away.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah. How much longer?!!! How much longer until someone holds my hand, looks into my eyes and says “I get it, I understand, it happened to me too”. HOW MUCH LONGER?! How much longer until I can forgive myself? How much longer until I can feel as though I want to be in this relationship?! HOW MUCH LONGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

I am angry today. I am worn-out. I am deeply miserable.