It's a BIG One Today

My very last covered session for 2010 was last night. We talked about why the last few weeks were good and what happened 1.5 weeks ago to take me to where I am now. I said I couldn’t pin it on anything specific but the flashbacks and nightmares are getting worse, strengthening. I can associate so many things – smells, sights, words, actions, touches - to FG that it becomes overwhelming at times. My biggest thing to work on now, so she said, is to find new associations for those memories. Yes, sounds great but not easy.

It would mean that I would have to have a fun and memorable conversations about Chile or Harley Davidsons. I don’t really want to. Maybe I should start off with other words, like Laundromat…could I do laundry at another one and have fun with it? Yes I could, but how long until the memories after start to fade too?

She told me I need to learn to better communicate what I’m going through, thinking maybe it may help others to understand why I need them SO much right now. What I really wished is that they’d just comprehend through my unspoken words. But that isn’t really possible, is it?

For practice, here goes: I feel lonely, ashamed, embarrassed, misunderstood, guilty, un-forgiven. I cannot forgive myself for the past, so when I feel guilty for something now (be it as small as being late for dinner) I cannot forgive myself for that either. My greatest wants are to know someone who has been where I am today, so they can feel what I am feeling; also to learn to better get the words out so my friends can see why I need them, and to have them just stop by some days. Just call to see how I’m doing but not to make me feel like a broken record by saying, again and again, I am so incredibly unhappy. Please don’t leave me or stop talking to me; but I cannot pretend many times like I am okay. I do not have the strength.

She has recommended going to group meetings, to meet others who have been where I was. Where I am.

She asked me if I have ever thought about ending my life or felt hopeless. I said no to the first one, but some moments to the second. I do little things (like drive fast and recklessly) to remind myself of what feeling alive is like.

She recommended taking something to help me sleep. To help me get through the day without the fear. To assist me in making new memories that will someday overshadow those that belong with FG.

I cannot explain to you the grief I feel for the part of me I have lost. The terror which overcomes me when I close my eyes or have reminders.

I want my life back and some days cannot see that happening.

I told MP I needed to slow things down, way down. I think he gets why but I feel guilty about it. If my past didn’t happen he wouldn’t have to go through this with me now. If I didn’t have to go through this with me I wouldn’t, I’d leave myself in a heartbeat. So I don’t get why he wants to be with me so much, maybe someday I will.

I am staying home tonight because I can’t see myself smiling.