Again. Really!?

Shit. Shit shit shit. Shit. Another thing to forgive myself for, when I already cannot forgive myself for anything else I have done. I still am not able to get drunk. How embarrassing this past Friday. Plus I think I made the guy I am seeing look bad when I was crying, like it was his fault or something. But it totally was not. He said I tried to push him away (not in the physical sense), I am thankful I warned him.

Having guys around when I am upset, unless they know everything about the problem, adds to my anxiety. Shit. SHIIIIIIIT.

He assured me it was not a big deal, a few of you did. No one at my office saw. How could he still want to be with me? I am absolutely perplexed as to how anyone would want to be with me. Especially now. Do not get me wrong, I definitely want to be with him but…look at me. I am a complete mess, even when I put on the front of being happy and okay we all know what lies beneath the surface. I know I will get over this but how long can I expect someone to go through it with me?

I am scared that I am saying goodbye to happiness and welcoming back the downward spiral again. This is the third morning in a row I awoke feeling guilty, heartbroken, ashamed, empty, undeserving, and utterly terrible about myself in general. Completely worthless of anything good that has come my way.

When I closed my eyes last night, even with MP keeping me safe, I saw FG’s eyes again. My heart skips beats remembering it again today. How much longer can I endure these kinds of days? Why am I doubting MPs want to stick around when everything he has done, said or shown me proves exactly otherwise?

I can barely keep my head up today. Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be better.