All About Me

He let me go with the acceptance that I still must have him around; he knows the most intimate and truthful details of the recent. He’s recognized that I require my space to grow and discover while needing the same someone to tell the ugly truth to. How does he do it? I admire his personal strength and his faith in me. I am thankful.

I painted my nails hot pink, I haven’t worn a bright nail color in at least 10 years. I left my house without mascara on, an extremely rare occurrence and yet I still felt like me. I wear skinny jeans now, and am able to embrace my hips and behind. I smiled at myself in the mirror while thinking there’s a way over this. I finally feel like I am beginning to fit back together. I still have a long way to go but instead of saying it, I feel it.

I called you to go out, instead of you calling me. I accepted a lunch invitation. I want to go canoeing, see how we work as a team. I am ready to get things together for my trip. I want to go to a friends’ house and hang out instead of insisting they come to mine. I’m learning to calm down when I drive - it’s the journey, not the speed (although the speed is still fun).

I am ready to do what I want and allow myself to think if it is REALLY what I want. I am remembering that there is one life to live, one life to love. There has to be more good than bad in my future. I am at a place where I will allow it to happen one moment at a time.

I like my pink lipstick and my smile. I like how my face and my soul feel when I smile. I also like the feeling of tears coming from the heart; only because I can feel it now and not think it’s the middle of the pain.

Cooking has become a small pleasure, I enjoy creating things for myself and being successful at a dish.

Mostly, this path of self-discovery has become a positive one. It’s about me, I’m okay with that. I am okay that I need these months or a full year of selfishness; to grieve over the loss of part of myself and to find the new me.

I love pink, pearls, diamonds, French décor, home cooked meals, getting pissed with girlfriends (even if we get in trouble or drunken arguments (haha)), my family, my friends, my dog, most dogs, only a couple of cats, the feeling of giving back, being counted on, being great at something, my independency, adventure, traveling, a great book, finishing a book, basking in the sun as it streams through the window, hotel rooms, team sports, doing my makeup, a perfect outfit, love, new beginnings, memorable endings, salt and vinegar chips with a slice of cheese, laughing, a good cry, hot showers, rainy days with nowhere to be, holding hands, a solid hug, especially when my head lies right on his shoulder or up against his chest, the sound of a heartbeat, the smell of freshly cut grass or someone doing laundry, a clean home, game nights, seeing the mess after a great party and knowing how it got like that, cartwheels, high heels, sushi, sunny days, being outside, smiling.

I love so many more things than I hate. Therefore I love.