Failed. Again.

MOG, I am so tired of taking one step forward and two back. I can’t believe it didn’t work out again. Again. More nights alone. No guaranteed embraces at the end of a trying day. No one to protect me from the dreams. No one to confess how hard it was to. No one who understands. Now I have to go at it alone again. Figure out how to console myself when I just feel broken and terrified. I don’t want to do this anymore.

But at least now I can run away, should the opportunity arise, and not think about hurting someone else. I can pack up and go. I can stay away. I can grow into myself knowing it is myself and not someone else. I can refocus. I should lean on my strength, learn how to covet that first. Maybe I was just using people too much, using their kindness until they got too close. This is what I deserve.

I’m not afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of always feeling the hurt and misery of the past.

Next time I do not want to bring this cruelty of FG into the next relationship.

I shouldn’t have done this now. Not to anyone. I really need the comfort, but I can’t stop thinking of FG and relating him to every guy. I need to let FG go, I need to move on. I need something new for myself, and not a person.

What do I do now? How do I get through this evening after group, knowing the emptiness I’ll feel, the memories that may surface, the fear of sleeping tonight, the pain that’ll come after, the hurt for the other women. Who’s arms will I cry into?

I need to cry, I shouldn’t be at work.