I realized, shit I’m going to cry, that I ♥ him and could have fallen in love with him. I immensely care about him. So much. I didn’t stop liking him but, instead, I began to dislike myself for what I was doing to him. I always wanted him to leave me because I could see it happening, I told him a lot which probably made him feel less secure in this relationship. I knew that I made him feel unwanted and disliked by my crying and ability to pull away. I warned him at the beginning that we may not make it past the six month mark because of my history…guess what the 8th of June would’ve been. Missed six months by two weeks. Again. Again my past won.
I need him to be happy so I can stop feeling guilty about taking that away from him. I feel like I’m doing to him what Franco did to me. I never made him feel like a better person, like a wanted person or a happier for being with me person. But I wouldn’t have made it, I know this, through the last almost six months without him. He never gave up on me and always encouraged me, even when I gave up on myself. Because I did, for a really long time. Months. But he was still there.
He said he did so much for me, like make me coffee, pick me up from the bar, etc. I told him that he could’ve done that a 100 times over but none of it would have compared to the night he sat outside the shower while I cried because of the things I heard in group, the things I confessed and the things I remembered.
I need him to be happy. Be confident. Be whole. If he were to stay with me until I fix myself I only would’ve ruined him more.
I’m an asshole. I fucking ♥ him.
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