Dear ______, Give Me Freedom.

I wrote this letter last night. I was hoping it would help. I was told it would be therapeutic. I can tell you I don’t really feel much from it. I could not picture him as I wrote this, I do not know why because I tried. It did not make me raw, or break down. I wanted that so bad. I wanted it out.

Maybe I’ll try again. This is the beginning of my letter to him. What am I missing? What is the key?


Dear FG,

I’m sitting here on my red couch, three days after Christmas, listening to Boys 2 Men and drinking wine. I currently own my own house and have taken many steps to grow up and be a different girl than I was with you. I have worked on developing my inner strength, my worth and my confidence.

The other day I saw you in the parking lot by Starbucks in Inglewood. Never has one moment been so devastating to me. In that split second of meeting your eyes, I lost everything I have worked so hard to build. A glimpse into your soulless eyes threw me back five to seven years ago. Now I find myself in an endless downward spiral with little to keep me in the moment.

I have once again let you control me, and you didn’t even have to say a word. I lost myself again. I am alienating my friends. I am staying holed up in my house. I am keeping silent on my pain, my past. I thought I was over you. Done with you.

But your damn eyes took me back. I now have to reclaim myself,. Over the years you have cost me an untold amount of friends and relationships for fear of those who got too close. I need that to stop. I have to move on.

Everything I see now, and feel or smell, reminds me of you and the hurt, pain, shame. A glint of light off a knife that another’s holding, my head on a pillow, a touch of the leg, a word, a parking lot, someone with your height, hair, nose or eyes. A place, a street, a song, a bottle, an unexpected picture, moment, person. Anything. A movie. A feeling. An erratic heartbeat. A voice.

I don’t want you to ever forget that I HATE YOU. I wish you pain with every moment the rest of your miserable life continues on for. I wish you loneliness. I wish you hatred. Fear. Everything I’ve gone through but for the rest of your life. I wish another woman never ends up with you. No one deserves it.

I hate you with every fiber of my being. Every breath I take. Every blink. Every drop of water on my skin. Every snowflake. Every waking moment. Every dream. Every restless night. I hate you.

I hate you for what you have cost me. For the secrets I have to keep. I hate you for making me afraid, for teaching me fear. I hate you for every minute we were together. For the innocence you stole from me. For taking my love of life. My trust in others. My pride. My sense of self worth. I hate you for leaving me broken. I hate you for everything I’m unable to think of or list at this exact moment.

I hate you for taking my sense of safety. I hate you for all the years I was unaware of this. I hate you for making me question my drinking. I hate you for causing me to consider if I am who I am because of you. I hate you for stealing me from myself.

I don’t want to be a PinkFawn created by FG. I want to be a PinkFawn who comes from a wonderfully loving family. Incredible friends, and self-realization that comes from an abuse-free past.

But the girl I am since I have seen you is not. Was I ever in these past five years?! I hate you. I wish I could look into your eyes and make you understand how deeply rooted my hate is for you. You blinded me with fake love. I don’t ever want you to do that to someone again.

Do you remember holding the knife against my throat and asking me if I was scared for my life? Can you recall throwing me naked against the wall again and again, when I was only saved from your abuse when your friend came home and found me naked, curled up in a ball and crying? What about the bruises? The hateful word and phrases; you’re an idiot, no one will ever love you again, you are lucky you have me, bitch, dumbass, stupid, immature, worthless, whore? How about the two broken doors? The slap?

Well, I cannot forget it. No matter how hard I try I can’t. I hate you for those memories and for making me feel empty and worthless again.

I walk around day in and day out, protecting who I am, putting on a front. When in reality I am an empty shell. One who feels dizzy and physically sick with the effort of this front. Exhausted, used, abused, broken. Always on the brink of giving up but assuring other and myself that I WILL get through this. I will overcome the terribly spiteful things you did to me. You, FG, are a worthless loser. Not me.

All those things I have done to you over the past five years, the email reminders, the Facebook altering, was to try to cause you some of the pain you inflicted on me.

Why did you choose me to abuse, say hateful things to and throw around? What was it about me you thought deserved it?

Why did I let you, and why does my heart stop when I think about our past?

Why can I now not get over you? Why did I let you cause me to have PTSD? Why can I not forgive you, even if the forgiveness if for myself? I hate you, in case you forget since the last time I wrote it.

I need to let you go, but these memories are alive within me. This hate has been ignited. It is like a glorious and devastating fire. I want my life back.

I let you cause me to fear men and the terrible, unconscionable things they are capable of. I want a successful relationship, one which lasts past six months because that is when you turned on me. I want a healthy life, with very minimal self doubt and loads of confidence and strength.

But I am scared, full of fear. I hate you.

There is so much more I should tell you about but I do not know where to end this tonight.

I hate you. I loathe you. I wish you pain. Your memories still scare me.


Dear God,

It’s me again. I am so far from where I could have been.

If you are real, out there and listening:
Please give me strength, forgiveness and freedom. Let me love freely. Love myself, love others.

God, don’t forget about me.

PinkFawn

Confession

I'm not loving life today.

I'm have realized I've changed the dynamic of quite a few friendships through these admissions. Those who I thought would be there for me haven't been, and those who I weren't sure would stick around have and in a much more invovled way.

Actually I am disappointed in two of you in particular. The aforementioned "you know who you are" and now another one of you. It's not like I need you, I'm not crying out for attention here. But you both claimed you're always (and I say this with dripping sarcasm) there for your friends. Pff, ha. Where are you now? I sure as shit haven't seen you.

I'm alone. I'm not. I keep going back and forth on whether or not I am valued as a friend by the both of you. Today, my not loving life day, I don't think I am.

I think, my apologies if I'm wrong, we're doing things together this holiday season because of habit. However, I've already kicked one major habit. What's not to say I should toss these one's out as well.

This confession/realization has made me feel ill. I'm back in the midst of all of this again.

Goodbye Holidays. Hello life...a shitty, until this is conquered, life.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.

I spent the last five days repressing everything and keeping it from my family. I have succeeded because I do not feel it again. It has still haunted me in my dreams, I have yet to sleep through the night but what can you do.

I need to get around to writing FG that cursed letter. I just do not want to face or own up to it. Subduing it is easier. Less painful…for a while.

The Christmas celebration was quite fun. Great company and food. Why ruin it with thinking about him? Maybe I should just let the holidays go on and I’ll attack all this again in the new year.

And as to You, and you KNOW who you are: What gives you the right to tell me what I should be feeling, and how I should be dealing with this? You’re an insensitive shithead. Oh but it’s not you, right? You constantly cross the line. Cry all you want over spilled milk, Wednesday was minor. I’m done with you. Don’t need your shit over and over. I don’t really care if I lose a ‘friend’ while I go through this, shows who you really are. I thought you had more substance, proved me wrong.

Kick yourself in the shin for me.

Graphics

Heartbreak Warfare (JM)

Today is a coma day. An I-wish-I-wasn’t-awake day. I do not believe I’ll make it through in one piece. I feel as if I could break right now, and putting on a front of happiness…well, I just couldn’t give a shit to carry through with that.

Last night was, by far, the most difficult for sleep yet. I may have got a couple hours in there. The rest was acute restlessness brought on by a fear of sleeping. I do not want to dream of FG anymore and see his face. I gave in last night to those fears, I’ll pay the price today.

I am angry at and about so many things. My annoyance with people has already shown in a few ways at work.

Life goes on, so for a lighter note: Happy Birthday PAL. I hope this next year brings you adventures you’ve yet to dream of.

Alice In Chains - I Stay Away

I think it’s easier if you just stayed away from me. The thing is, I really don’t want you to. I just believe it’d be simpler/better/healthier for you. This is painful, it’s rough, and I doubt myself all the time. You don’t deserve to ride it out with me.

Plus, I have to apologize a lot. Right?

I question if I’m using alcohol to keep the hurt tolerable. Okay, I question it now that you said it this morning. I am aware of my intake, I have to be because I think if I slip just a little bit and don’t pay attention I’ll wind up a drunk too. One thing at a time, though. I will not become an alcoholic. Last night was a celebration, a not-having-dinner, lay-it-on-the-table kind of night. It was a busy night. I cleaned my house for F sakes. It’s clean, SO GOD DAMN CLEAN. So why don’t I feel it? How FUKING come I don’t feel better, cleaner?

I told you everything but you still stayed. I don’t deserve that. I’m not worth that. And not in a pity party kind of way. Truthfully, I’m just not. I’m broken and you deserve togetherness.

Crap, my life sucks. I want to, at times (just sometimes), not deal with this anymore. Even if it’s for 1 day. I think I could really go for an induced coma soon…I could probably get one if drove recklessly. Got super, re-f’in-diculously sick. What else? I’m not going to, I’m mean really, but I do enjoy thinking about it. You consider it. One day of nothing, not having to be awake and face your life nothing. NOTHING. FUK.

I am not enjoying today. it started off pretty great, but now, now I’m done with today. Aaah, 8 hours until I can go home. Shit.

Okay, back to you though. I’m going to need you to really think about what’s happening with me and be damn sure you want to stick around for this. If the tables were turned I don’t know if I would. I’m merely not a good person.

Not a good person.

Part 1 - Dear Ex,

Dear FG,

I wanna be free.
Wind in my hair.
Sand under my toes.
Sun in my eyes.
Skin upon skin.
Fingers entwined.
I want to feel love.
I will let you go.
Relieve myself of this pain.
This is the beginning.
I will write you more.
I want to be free.
I want to feel love.

Screw you,

PinkFawn

Destinations

I played the game of avoidance this weekend, sorry friends. I avoided social situations as much as possible. Stayed in Friday, and most of Saturday and Sunday. Felt I simply needed to be a recluse.

However, I did finally come clean to MW what’s been happening with me. I really should’ve told him years ago, I know. When shame overtook the reality of the situation it became harder and harder. Plus he lived out of town for most of the years after I returned from abroad. Really no need to confess to someone who I didn’t have to face all the time, right?

It was a relief to know he understood. Plus I think he’s the first person I’ve told who actually, for real, without a doubt, got it. MW, you are my bff…with an extra f :)

I also *ahem* spent some time in someone else’s’ bed. Awkward. Anyways, moving on. I couldn’t help but feel fear even though he’s a genuinely decent guy. I kept having this feeling I was laying next to “him”. All of my muscles were exceptionally tense and I had the most difficult time relaxing. Would say it was damn near impossible. Couldn’t breathe, or concentrate on the now. If I closed my eyes I saw “his” room, “his” eyes. Yet neither of these men look, breathe, smell, walk, talk, or hold alike. What’s the common denominator which causes me to panic? They are both men. That simple. AHHHHHH. I loathe the simplicity of it and my current inability to fully conquer this fear.

I fear sleep. Why sleep when he’s waiting? My dreams are consumed by “him” now (let’s refer to "him" as FG). I run past him while looking in his eyes. I can feel FG following me even though there’s no one behind me. To sum up my recent dreams: I just keep running. When will I ever effin’ get to my destination? What is my destination?

No, really, what is my destination. What am I looking to achieve here? I guess I’ve just said things and not spent a lot of time considering the meaning. Here’s the beginning of what I want, hope and wish for.

I want, hope and wish to:
- Be free of thinking of him, free of the constant reminders.
- Be me without considering if this me is his creation.
- Be able to doubt myself without thinking I’m doubting because of him.
- Hear criticism without feeling belittled.
- Give to others without losing a part of myself.
- Lay in bed and accept that I am alone. He is not behind me and will never be again.
- Smile from the inside out.
- Close my eyes and see nothing.
- Be touched and without awaiting the pain.
- Love wholeheartedly and uninhibitedly.
- Love without anticipating potential harm.
- Accept that I am worth being loved.

I am sure this list will grow as more of my fears, doubts, etc., surface. For now, this is it. What I want.