Destinations

I played the game of avoidance this weekend, sorry friends. I avoided social situations as much as possible. Stayed in Friday, and most of Saturday and Sunday. Felt I simply needed to be a recluse.

However, I did finally come clean to MW what’s been happening with me. I really should’ve told him years ago, I know. When shame overtook the reality of the situation it became harder and harder. Plus he lived out of town for most of the years after I returned from abroad. Really no need to confess to someone who I didn’t have to face all the time, right?

It was a relief to know he understood. Plus I think he’s the first person I’ve told who actually, for real, without a doubt, got it. MW, you are my bff…with an extra f :)

I also *ahem* spent some time in someone else’s’ bed. Awkward. Anyways, moving on. I couldn’t help but feel fear even though he’s a genuinely decent guy. I kept having this feeling I was laying next to “him”. All of my muscles were exceptionally tense and I had the most difficult time relaxing. Would say it was damn near impossible. Couldn’t breathe, or concentrate on the now. If I closed my eyes I saw “his” room, “his” eyes. Yet neither of these men look, breathe, smell, walk, talk, or hold alike. What’s the common denominator which causes me to panic? They are both men. That simple. AHHHHHH. I loathe the simplicity of it and my current inability to fully conquer this fear.

I fear sleep. Why sleep when he’s waiting? My dreams are consumed by “him” now (let’s refer to "him" as FG). I run past him while looking in his eyes. I can feel FG following me even though there’s no one behind me. To sum up my recent dreams: I just keep running. When will I ever effin’ get to my destination? What is my destination?

No, really, what is my destination. What am I looking to achieve here? I guess I’ve just said things and not spent a lot of time considering the meaning. Here’s the beginning of what I want, hope and wish for.

I want, hope and wish to:
- Be free of thinking of him, free of the constant reminders.
- Be me without considering if this me is his creation.
- Be able to doubt myself without thinking I’m doubting because of him.
- Hear criticism without feeling belittled.
- Give to others without losing a part of myself.
- Lay in bed and accept that I am alone. He is not behind me and will never be again.
- Smile from the inside out.
- Close my eyes and see nothing.
- Be touched and without awaiting the pain.
- Love wholeheartedly and uninhibitedly.
- Love without anticipating potential harm.
- Accept that I am worth being loved.

I am sure this list will grow as more of my fears, doubts, etc., surface. For now, this is it. What I want.