I think it’s easier if you just stayed away from me. The thing is, I really don’t want you to. I just believe it’d be simpler/better/healthier for you. This is painful, it’s rough, and I doubt myself all the time. You don’t deserve to ride it out with me.
Plus, I have to apologize a lot. Right?
I question if I’m using alcohol to keep the hurt tolerable. Okay, I question it now that you said it this morning. I am aware of my intake, I have to be because I think if I slip just a little bit and don’t pay attention I’ll wind up a drunk too. One thing at a time, though. I will not become an alcoholic. Last night was a celebration, a not-having-dinner, lay-it-on-the-table kind of night. It was a busy night. I cleaned my house for F sakes. It’s clean, SO GOD DAMN CLEAN. So why don’t I feel it? How FUKING come I don’t feel better, cleaner?
I told you everything but you still stayed. I don’t deserve that. I’m not worth that. And not in a pity party kind of way. Truthfully, I’m just not. I’m broken and you deserve togetherness.
Crap, my life sucks. I want to, at times (just sometimes), not deal with this anymore. Even if it’s for 1 day. I think I could really go for an induced coma soon…I could probably get one if drove recklessly. Got super, re-f’in-diculously sick. What else? I’m not going to, I’m mean really, but I do enjoy thinking about it. You consider it. One day of nothing, not having to be awake and face your life nothing. NOTHING. FUK.
I am not enjoying today. it started off pretty great, but now, now I’m done with today. Aaah, 8 hours until I can go home. Shit.
Okay, back to you though. I’m going to need you to really think about what’s happening with me and be damn sure you want to stick around for this. If the tables were turned I don’t know if I would. I’m merely not a good person.
Not a good person.
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