Okay, let’s figure this out. Am I scared of my friends because when I was with him I did so much avoidance to ensure I never spoke the truth about what was happening to anyone? Is that all just replaying again but now I’m just scared to admit that and what’s happening now? Was it that deeply rooted?
It is easier if I just don’t talk to anyone to not say anything. My insides are SCREAMING to get it out, but my brain says no. Not now. Not ever. It’s too embarrassing, the whole situation.
Spending time with people I know right now is a guarantee that I’ll start panicking.
My mantra before I go out: “Deep breathing, it’s going to be okay. You know them; they are your friends, they are your family.”
But, I’ll admit, it barely helps. My anxiety increases the closer I get to the party, event, or whatever. It’s so much easier if one other person there knows what I’m going through. Maybe because I’m hoping they’ll divert others attention if it becomes obvious. Or if I break they’ll try to hold me together without asking any questions.
You know them.
I feel increasingly crazy. With every minute that passes I question my own sanity because of him. Because I denied it and never allowed myself to feel it, I am paying now.
I know someday I’ll get back to me, the person I was. If I can just keep remembering who she was, if I can just remember I’ll get back to her, I can survive this.
This obstacle that looks incredibly similar to a mountain.
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