My War Within

Hmmm…what did she call it? What…oh right: “Disassociation”. Let’s reflect on what that word means before I continue on.

Disassociation: the denial of any connection or involvement with somebody or something else.

That’s pretty heavy. Right? Right. Keywords would be “denial of any connection”. I try so hard to focus on what you’re saying but I can’t sometimes. When an attack of my past occurs, I can’t stay with the present. You know when in movies, the camera zooms in and out in a weird way, like when the character is under the influence of drugs. That’s exactly what I see. Exactly.

Disassociation. Woah. I know you’re talking to me, I know I’m here. Hellooooo, I’m standing right HERE! Can’t you SEE me?! But I don’t feel it, I can only feel who I was so long ago. So much so, I can feel the weight of my past pressing down on my chest. What’d she call that? Anxiety attack.

I can suffer immensely right in front of your eyes, WHILE you’re talking to me, and you will never know.

Disassociation. PTSD. Anxiety. Anger. Shame. Pain. Fear.

Fear.

I try to feel my past, to let it surface but it usually won’t. If you push down feelings for 5 years, how far down do they go? I even sometimes try to cry on purpose about it. But I’ve become so distant I can’t. Literally. I’m afraid to cry in front of you because…because…? Why am I afraid? It's too vulnerable probably.

In fact, I’d rather take 1.5 hours to drive a regular 15 minute drive home, and pull over because I can no longer breathe. Think about this: I’d rather have a panic attack while I’m driving, sob until my insides break apart, until the river has run dry. I’d rather. Because than, than I am alone. No shame alone. No vulnerability if no one sees you. But sometimes, I wish someone would. But not someone I know.

The more this goes on, the more you, my friends, feel like distant creatures to me. I know, I KNOW, you’re not. But I can’t stay in the now with you. I can pretend, oh I’ll pretend (I should be an actress…expect for the not being able to cry on cue thing). But you’re all moving on in your day, in your life; whilst I’m stuck in my past. It’s like when we locked eyes, “he” hit Rewind on my life.

She said it will get worse before it gets better. I have a feeling she’ll say more. She should shut the F up. SHUT UP! F!! F U PTSD. F U “HIM”. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!

My war within has started.

Spice up your Twitter with some href="http://www.twitterbackgrounds.com/custom-twitter-backgrounds">Twitter Backgrounds