Should've Stayed Home

Today/Monday:

I shouldn’t have gone but I did. Now someone else knows. I can’t tell them the truth because I don’t feel worth the label. I can’t tell them the truth because I still don’t believe it was me. I feel crazy. That sucks. Am I crazy?

When will I come to terms with it? I can’t concentrate at work because I need to know more about getting over it. I need validation that it happened and that I’ll be okay. I need validation that I’m worth what I’m going through. Do I need it from someone who’s been there too?

How long can I hide this? Christmas is coming in 10 days, there’s going to be a lot of people at dinner. Those people are my family. Will they be able to tell? Will I be able to hold it together?

Then it’s New Years Eve; 17 days until NYE. No big parties this year, no foreign places, nowhere that I can’t hide. A couple friends, literally, and no more.

Typing about this increases my anxiety. Thinking about it is twofold.