I Am Not Me

As time goes by from when I saw him again, my mistakes get more out of control. My actions become less like something I would have done. My emotions become increasingly unpredictable.

I feel like I need to apologize to everyone for whatever I have done recently. I am not me. Not right now and not for a while.

I do know I’m on a crazy path of self-destruction. My reputation, my health, my relationships, all going downhill. I could control it if I wanted to, I know that. I just don’t have the energy right now but to let the past live in my thoughts.

Every night, before I fall asleep, still images of the worst times with him flash past my tired eyes. My only reprieve is reading a book until I can’t anymore, or giving all of my attention and focus at work.

I can’t socialize like I did before, it’s awkward and conversation is stilted. It’s difficult to think of anything to say, I am afraid I will tell you what happened. You don’t want to know what happened. I don’t want to know what happened.

Example - this guy I’d be interested in told me he wants to get to know me more. I panicked, I quickly steered the conversation to another topic and had someone else join the conversation. I'm not able do it yet. I can’t trust him, or any other guy, not to put me through hell again. It's one of the things I hope (a word I use a lot...along with wish. I wish and I hope.) to be able to get over it soon.

Maybe someday I’ll tell you, my friends. I hope I can forget. I wish I never saw him again, never glimpsed into his soulless eyes.