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I wrote this last night. My dreams were terrible when I did sleep and I woke up this morning with an utter lack of want to go to work. It was a struggle not to call in sick and I reminded myself that once I was here I could just focus on work. I cried when a song came on about being lonely:

I am on a slippery slope. I know I am isolating myself and withdrawing but I cannot gather the effort to give a shit. I also know I need to. I need to stay connected to what was normal for me before this.

What happens when you start downhill skiing? You just go, let it happen. Have you ever tried to ski uphill? Back to the top of your mountain so you can look upon the path ahead of you from a bird's eye view?

I don't want to cry but I want to feel connected with what I am, who I am, the now. If I connect, I will cry. Open the gates, let the flood begin.

I just heard a line, right now: "You'd better be home soon." It broke my heart because I do not feel like I am home. Like I am where I should be.

Even though the isolation is my own doing, the lonliness I feel is all-encompassing. My heart, my soul are totally detached from me. I just want to be understood, not alone.

I want someone to show up at my house if for no other reason than to sit with me through the evening. I want understanding and open arms. I want someone to just get that even though I am not making contact, pushing you all away, finding reasons to delete you from my phone/facebook, treating you less than I normally would and caring less about what you are going through, to just get it. Somewhere, deep down, the regular me is screaming to get out, ski up that hill, and tell you I fucking care about you too, I want to go out and leave my house being fully comfortable with others who aren't my family. I want to be your friend too. Please just understand how by myself I feel. Please. Just understand. Just think if it was you. Just get it, if for just one half of a split second. Feel what I feel.

She said I am on my way to depression if I don't make more of a concerted effort to live. I said I just thought I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic. She replied that I am beating myself up.

Great. He beat me. I beat me. I am lonely. I want someone like me. Being happy, faking it, makes me tired.

It was a "happy" day. I need sleep. Where is my break from faking it? eBay?