Deservedness

One more person who knows. It’s not so bad. I mean, there’s always the element of shame and nervousness. Will it change the way they behave around me? Think less of me or question my psyche? Will they leave because of a lack of understanding or it is too much to deal with? But it is too late, I told him, he knows. I left out a lot, do not think I am ready to confess to it all yet.

He did call me out on one thing and got it right; I will have to work on it if it is so apparent. He said it is obvious I do not think a lot about myself. Wait, it is not like I have low self-esteem…right? Yeah, I don’t. However, he did say I do not believe I deserve much. Like being told good things about myself, having someone care about me or care for me, anything else that is good really. He hit the nail on the head.

I do not deserve a lot. And how can I feel that I do if I cannot even forgive myself for the past? If something good happens to me I always have to pay it forward because others deserve much more than I do. Hence all the volunteering.

I deserve to forgive myself.
I deserve…well, one step at a time. I will take care of that one first, maybe I can see more of what I am worthy of after that.

P.S. I opened with something like "I have something serious to tell you. Are we at the point where you'd want to know?" He said he knew, saw a flicker if it in my eyes when he asked about my past.