I wrapped up another session tonight. Did a lot of talking this time, rationalizing and giving credit to others for where I am at today. I, apparently, need to take more of the credit for getting back up and out again. Trying to put myself back together.We talked some about forgiving FG and how thinking about it just isn't hitting home. She asked if I have forgiven myself yet. I cried. Which means 'no', I haven't forgiven myself for what I went through. I do a lot of "If I just" statements.
If I just never met him.
If I just left after the first incident.
If I just kept on forgetting.
If I just never ran into him.
If I just.
If I just.
If I just.
I feel like three entirely separate people, honestly. If I have ever talked to you about this face to face you may have heard me say I miss the girl before, I am not the girl during, I am me - the post-FG girl. I have the hardest time putting those three together, they don't belong...three very stubborn puzzle pieces. Do you have these versions of yourself? What is your "If I just" statement?
How do you forgive yourself? Think of it, your biggest regret. Now what do you do to forgive yourself? You can say it over and over: I forgive you, I forgive you. But there's no light feeling after, no ah-ha moment, nothing. "I forgive you" will not resonate with me. I need more. I want to let go of this and move on, I want to feel it gone.
I cannot stop punishing myself for those years. I will give it my best shot though, because so-fucking-help-me if I have to go through all of this again.
Two weeks ago I didn't care about my safety. I didn't care about eating. I didn't care. Now I am trying to give this my best shot, but I keep going back to denial and self-protection. My appetite isn't fully back, I remind myself of what I do have that's worth all of this.
If you have any ideas of how I can possibly forgive myself please share them, because I can't think of one. It could be something I need to do, something I need to say or admit. I don't know.
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