It has been an incredibly busy week, and a lot has happened. I love my car, just want to drive for absolutely no reason. JL, I see why you adore yours and giggle when you're behind the wheel...it's precisely what I do now. I opened the sunroof this morning just because I could and cranked the heat, only where we live will someone do that.
Other things have happened which I am not ready to share yet, publicly. Soon I just may.
Last night I had another 'incident'; at least I had a few days without any! And REALLY great days those were. I saw a guy bend down to pick something up, he was wearing sweatpants and a baseball cap. I was so sure when he stood up it was FG, one foot shorter and with a menacing (I think it's a suiting word) smile on his face. I stood there in shock for a few moments, probably closer to a minute, staring at the place where this guy once stood. It was fear which kept me rooted in place at first, then it was shame and realization. It was not him, didn't look like him...but what if?
*Deep breathing* What if I let someone in and they hurt me? What if I don't take the chance to be hurt again? What if I run into him again, what will I do or say?
With bated breath, do I dare to turn over a new page in my life? Accept the things I cannot control?
When others begin to matter to me, when does it become necessary that I share all of this with them? I know I cannot hide it forever because it attacks at the oddest and least predictable of moments.
I will conquer this. I can leave it behind.
I give myself permission to move on, yet still accept what happened and feel it when I need to. But not alone. No. I cannot do it alone anymore.
Other things have happened which I am not ready to share yet, publicly. Soon I just may.
Last night I had another 'incident'; at least I had a few days without any! And REALLY great days those were. I saw a guy bend down to pick something up, he was wearing sweatpants and a baseball cap. I was so sure when he stood up it was FG, one foot shorter and with a menacing (I think it's a suiting word) smile on his face. I stood there in shock for a few moments, probably closer to a minute, staring at the place where this guy once stood. It was fear which kept me rooted in place at first, then it was shame and realization. It was not him, didn't look like him...but what if?
*Deep breathing* What if I let someone in and they hurt me? What if I don't take the chance to be hurt again? What if I run into him again, what will I do or say?
With bated breath, do I dare to turn over a new page in my life? Accept the things I cannot control?
When others begin to matter to me, when does it become necessary that I share all of this with them? I know I cannot hide it forever because it attacks at the oddest and least predictable of moments.
I will conquer this. I can leave it behind.I give myself permission to move on, yet still accept what happened and feel it when I need to. But not alone. No. I cannot do it alone anymore.
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